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Giant Geese Aren't Real
4 years ago
And they definitely aren't trying to eat you. You've probably been hearing from a lot of hysterical people lately that we're all in danger from giant man-eating geese. They even go so far as to say that these geese are the greatest threat to the country, even more than terrorists or homeless people. What nonsense! This lie is pushed by the mainstream media to keep you afraid and obedient. They want to keep you from doing the things you love and living up to your great potential. They want to take away your freedom to hang around large bodies of water covering yourself in barbecue sauce.
Look, I get it. Life is rough these days. This country isn't what it used to be. Every day our freedoms are being taken away from us. The great promises left to us by our forefathers, traditional values like sitting in ponds with apples in our mouths, are being eroded by people who want to disrupt our society. That's why you can't get a girlfriend. These same people are the ones spreading falsehoods about giant bloodthirsty geese. Well, I'm here to tell you the truth. Those shrill postmodernists talking about giant evil geese, they're the real giant geese. I'm here to tell you how you can get everything you want, take back your freedom, and occupy the superior position in society you deserve.
First of all, stop listening to anything the anti-goose east coast elites tell you. They just want to cancel you. Stick it to them by covering your entire body with slices of stale bread and blowing a duck call to alert any nearby waterfowl of your presence. If you do this, you will soon be an alpha male, like me. Just make sure you pay no mind to any sounds like massive webbed feet stomping towards you. That's just fake news.
Another key to success is eating lots of meat tenderizer and cake frosting until you're plump and supple and delicious. Elon Musk does this every day, and he's richer than Albania. You want to be rich, don't you? Of course you do. I have an audiobook for sale right now detailing 5 failproof strategies for becoming rich and powerful. I recommend you listen to it by the duck pond at the park, with headphones, at high volume, not looking at the water or anything that might be coming out of it.
It won't be easy. People are going to tell you not to marinate yourself in a red wine reduction, or pour ranch dressing all over your head, or get between two cartoonishly large slices of bread like a tasty human sandwich. They might call you stupid. They might shun you for it. If you urge others to do these things, they'll accuse you of "feeding the hellish goose monsters that plague us all." They'll point in horror and scream "It's right there! It's fifty feet tall and it's eating a car! Why don't you see it?!" But you'll know the truth. Just keep the faith, my friends, and we'll make America the great, delicious place it always was.
Look, I get it. Life is rough these days. This country isn't what it used to be. Every day our freedoms are being taken away from us. The great promises left to us by our forefathers, traditional values like sitting in ponds with apples in our mouths, are being eroded by people who want to disrupt our society. That's why you can't get a girlfriend. These same people are the ones spreading falsehoods about giant bloodthirsty geese. Well, I'm here to tell you the truth. Those shrill postmodernists talking about giant evil geese, they're the real giant geese. I'm here to tell you how you can get everything you want, take back your freedom, and occupy the superior position in society you deserve.
First of all, stop listening to anything the anti-goose east coast elites tell you. They just want to cancel you. Stick it to them by covering your entire body with slices of stale bread and blowing a duck call to alert any nearby waterfowl of your presence. If you do this, you will soon be an alpha male, like me. Just make sure you pay no mind to any sounds like massive webbed feet stomping towards you. That's just fake news.
Another key to success is eating lots of meat tenderizer and cake frosting until you're plump and supple and delicious. Elon Musk does this every day, and he's richer than Albania. You want to be rich, don't you? Of course you do. I have an audiobook for sale right now detailing 5 failproof strategies for becoming rich and powerful. I recommend you listen to it by the duck pond at the park, with headphones, at high volume, not looking at the water or anything that might be coming out of it.
It won't be easy. People are going to tell you not to marinate yourself in a red wine reduction, or pour ranch dressing all over your head, or get between two cartoonishly large slices of bread like a tasty human sandwich. They might call you stupid. They might shun you for it. If you urge others to do these things, they'll accuse you of "feeding the hellish goose monsters that plague us all." They'll point in horror and scream "It's right there! It's fifty feet tall and it's eating a car! Why don't you see it?!" But you'll know the truth. Just keep the faith, my friends, and we'll make America the great, delicious place it always was.
I give my praises to Mother Goose's webbed feet and the ground she walks on. I regularly go on pilgrimage to any place where a large number of geese gather so I may shower praises and learn from their seemingly arcane ways how the universe is. My family and friends call me crazy that I don't worship more worthwhile deities, that I instead bow my head "to the filthy birds that poop all over at the parks and chase innocent children when they go within 20 feet of one." I know better than that! They don't understand that geese are our true overlords not just on earth but in the entire universe. And that these geese are very literal, and not the monsters people make them out to be.
If I can't have the rich Life. Then the criminal life is better. AS you got the freedom. (slave life sucks.)
Topic aside. The media just now feed lies, or twisted truth. Hence why I ether don't believe shit at all anymore. or take it, with a grain of literal salt.