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State of the Zil in 2022
4 years ago
General
RORE™!!!! k so
Copied over from Twitter.
Life's a bitch, but I've got some good news.
I had some mental hygiene to do this holiday season. I did it, just not in the way I was expecting.
I don't know if promised art upload will be >tomorrow< tomorrow, but it'll be real soon.
Personal: being online was underwhelming for me because I was putting way too much on it. Ironically, being told by one of the most important people in my life basically that I don't fit their new life and dropped... kind of woke me up, after days of misery.
The truth is, I'm fucking lonely. And my way of dealing with this is to try and find a very specific kind of friend online. If I'm spotty with my responses to you- and this is awful of me- it might be because I'd rather spend energy trying to find that friend somewhere else.
What kind of friend? Someone who will be enthusiastic about talking to me whenever I need or want. Someone who's sympathetic and comforting. Someone who understands what I've been through.
...I'm describing a fucking partner, if you can't tell. (I sure couldn't.)
I do have partners and close friends, but because they don't wait on me hand and foot (including rapid response to my emotional episodes on demand), it doesn't satisfy. So how can I expect anyone else to be that for me? That's just it: I can't. I've been putting unfair expectations on everyone I talk to, and talking to people for the wrong reasons, and it's been completely counter-intuitive. I'm too impatient to build special relationships. I need to focus on the short term if I'm going to build long term community.
I try too hard to get people to LOVE me on first impression, even when I'm just some friendly rando to them that they have no reason to ever speak to again. If I'm gonna be thirsty or bored, I'm gonna be honest about it and accept superficial unless I am pleasantly surprised.
So I'm changing my expectations. If you have any idea what I'm talking about, maybe you've picked up me being sort of off or you can relate... thank you.
In the meantime, between now and the move, holy crap will I be lonely. But I can settle for distractions. Without despair.
Life's a bitch, but I've got some good news.
I had some mental hygiene to do this holiday season. I did it, just not in the way I was expecting.
I don't know if promised art upload will be >tomorrow< tomorrow, but it'll be real soon.
Personal: being online was underwhelming for me because I was putting way too much on it. Ironically, being told by one of the most important people in my life basically that I don't fit their new life and dropped... kind of woke me up, after days of misery.
The truth is, I'm fucking lonely. And my way of dealing with this is to try and find a very specific kind of friend online. If I'm spotty with my responses to you- and this is awful of me- it might be because I'd rather spend energy trying to find that friend somewhere else.
What kind of friend? Someone who will be enthusiastic about talking to me whenever I need or want. Someone who's sympathetic and comforting. Someone who understands what I've been through.
...I'm describing a fucking partner, if you can't tell. (I sure couldn't.)
I do have partners and close friends, but because they don't wait on me hand and foot (including rapid response to my emotional episodes on demand), it doesn't satisfy. So how can I expect anyone else to be that for me? That's just it: I can't. I've been putting unfair expectations on everyone I talk to, and talking to people for the wrong reasons, and it's been completely counter-intuitive. I'm too impatient to build special relationships. I need to focus on the short term if I'm going to build long term community.
I try too hard to get people to LOVE me on first impression, even when I'm just some friendly rando to them that they have no reason to ever speak to again. If I'm gonna be thirsty or bored, I'm gonna be honest about it and accept superficial unless I am pleasantly surprised.
So I'm changing my expectations. If you have any idea what I'm talking about, maybe you've picked up me being sort of off or you can relate... thank you.
In the meantime, between now and the move, holy crap will I be lonely. But I can settle for distractions. Without despair.
