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State of the Zil: Three years on
3 years ago
General
RORE™!!!! k so
I meant to post this yesterday but I forgot.
Three years ago on May 29, after some mistakes in a dark period in my domestic and scholastic life and a lot of manipulation behind the scene from people who appointed themselves my enemies and drove a mob after me to scrutinize intimate details of my personal life and things I had said out of context, almost everyone I loved left me for dead. At the time, just a few days prior, I decided to try and get into art in whatever basic way I could. I had been advised/ordered to delete my Twitter, and didn't heed that until I had said something that was full epic. I deleted my Twitter and had nothing to do and nobody to talk to, so I thought I would draw to pass the time and try to cool down. I remember my hand growing more shaky as I realized how terrible things had just become for me, and barely finishing a coherent drawing, becoming even more self-conscious, and getting it off my screen. I don't remember the rest of the day. I remember waking up on May 30 to an empty house and having nothing to live for or do, going downstairs and taking a knife to my shoulders before I knew what I was doing. I sat outside in the rain and cried and heaved (for the first consecutive day out of about a hundred) and when it was done, I was still there. I rubbed my shoulders and grieved and thought, and I decided it was my moral obligation to suffer through it and learn and live. Three years later, it was May 29 again. Nothing bad happened. I got very needy for the few people my brain completely trusts, who weren't able to give me much attention (though they each did what they could), and I got too disoriented to figure out who else I could burden with my current mental state. So it was a mostly average, kind of crummy mental health day until I remembered its significance. It's now that I realize how much has changed. Tomorrow I won't want to attempt anything because of everything I have, and the far better people I surround myself with (a bit too selectively and distantly). Thank you to all my friends, especially the ones I don't talk to- some of whom I haven't talked to since all this was happening and I wanted to keep them out of it, and others of whom I still instinctually shy away from. I might not show it, but you are everything to me.
...
Also, another thing on my to do list is to make a short document in a sort of about me style with some simple requests on how to interact with me to make it easier for me to handle. And I am on track to graduate from university this summer and I'm moving back to Puerto Rico :)
Three years ago on May 29, after some mistakes in a dark period in my domestic and scholastic life and a lot of manipulation behind the scene from people who appointed themselves my enemies and drove a mob after me to scrutinize intimate details of my personal life and things I had said out of context, almost everyone I loved left me for dead. At the time, just a few days prior, I decided to try and get into art in whatever basic way I could. I had been advised/ordered to delete my Twitter, and didn't heed that until I had said something that was full epic. I deleted my Twitter and had nothing to do and nobody to talk to, so I thought I would draw to pass the time and try to cool down. I remember my hand growing more shaky as I realized how terrible things had just become for me, and barely finishing a coherent drawing, becoming even more self-conscious, and getting it off my screen. I don't remember the rest of the day. I remember waking up on May 30 to an empty house and having nothing to live for or do, going downstairs and taking a knife to my shoulders before I knew what I was doing. I sat outside in the rain and cried and heaved (for the first consecutive day out of about a hundred) and when it was done, I was still there. I rubbed my shoulders and grieved and thought, and I decided it was my moral obligation to suffer through it and learn and live. Three years later, it was May 29 again. Nothing bad happened. I got very needy for the few people my brain completely trusts, who weren't able to give me much attention (though they each did what they could), and I got too disoriented to figure out who else I could burden with my current mental state. So it was a mostly average, kind of crummy mental health day until I remembered its significance. It's now that I realize how much has changed. Tomorrow I won't want to attempt anything because of everything I have, and the far better people I surround myself with (a bit too selectively and distantly). Thank you to all my friends, especially the ones I don't talk to- some of whom I haven't talked to since all this was happening and I wanted to keep them out of it, and others of whom I still instinctually shy away from. I might not show it, but you are everything to me.
...
Also, another thing on my to do list is to make a short document in a sort of about me style with some simple requests on how to interact with me to make it easier for me to handle. And I am on track to graduate from university this summer and I'm moving back to Puerto Rico :)
