Those of you who follow me on Twitter, you'll see now that my account is gone. For about two days prior to my permanent suspension for "targeted harassment" (?????), I was receiving suspicious interactions from private accounts which I believe were TERFs but honestly could have been a couple different groups. I don't expect to get my account back because the process is a joke and this isn't the first time I've gotten screwed by them (at one point my accounts were getting automatically banned for ban evasion), but I'm going to fight anyway.

That's not what I wanted to talk about, though. I was prepping myself to start using it in the way I had originally intended to when I received my suspension and I was already looking into myself a bit. I think I've found some answers. First things first, no I'm not quitting, or, really, taking a break, even. I will still be available on my messaging services. I know I have been scarce with groups and DMs. Quieter does not mean becoming even less active, this is actually in hopes that I can talk more. It's more like less outgoing. For me, the only option I would ever consider is to push forward, because I honestly need this, the remaining question is how I do so. I hope my attempts to explain are adequate.

I always bring it up in my journals, but holy crap- being broken up with in mid 2019 in the way that I was (mass block + desertion of my community) really really really messed me up. I distrust everyone. I don't know how to connect with people. I overthink everything. There's a lot of anxiety I don't need and it can feel mixed to do things I would otherwise enjoy, or it just takes more energy. When I try to be myself online, I can't help but be reminded of my younger self in many painful ways... how much easier it was. How much more exciting everything related to furry was. How the fear hadn't taken over and I hadn't started being so critical of myself and those around me.

I have a bunch of different variants of my fursona in my head because I am such a strongly mood-based person (symptomatic of cPTSD, which I have- that's like several different cans of worms so just look it up), and the light-hearted one I would use in most social settings is just... almost never me. Not any more. It happens sometimes when I meet new people (BRIEFLY), and for a certain close few. Otherwise... and this really pains me to say... it's like I cringe at presenting myself as a good person or cute or silly when I feel like an evil, stupid piece of shit. My exes took that from me, intentionally or unintentionally. My escape headspace became the site of a traumatic event. The idea that I'm a cute little cartoon character feels antithetical to what I really am, which is, I guess, way too complicated to want to be seen with other doodles in off the wall kink scenarios.

To be more exact, the levity I once carried myself with feels like a massive vulnerability, as though when people find out I have actual dimensionality and emotions and shortcomings they will hurt me and tell me I deserved it. So I take myself more seriously and keep to myself until I get lonely or horny or whatever, then once I'm done it goes all the way back off. I don't make meaningful connections because I'm scared of being let down (Internet underwhelming, which I know all about because my romantic relationships are already long distance, plus I don't share much about myself to make connections with, plus I'm so dismissive of people and overwhelmed with the whole thing) or betrayed, I just simulate them for the dopamine hit to keep running on empty until next time. I hate this. It's a bad solution, it's unfair to people, and it needs to stop.

When I'm social, I feel like a loser (who hangs out with losers) and I feel like I'm not getting what I want out of it anyway. I "CRINGE" at the very idea of trying to become friends with someone, which I wasn't very good at even before I started running away after one conversation. I start overthinking things like "I have other people I should be talking to" and "This is superficial and pointless" and "You know this isn't going to go anywhere, based on your habits". God, it's excruciating. And it makes me a giant flake, which is a trait I detest. Even though this stuff is a huge part of me, and I love the open hearted people I meet through it, it exhausts me. I don't have the energy or enthusiasm I once did. I remember failing my classes because I was on Twitter and shit, desperate for approval, now I just fail my classes anyway. (It's gotten better.) I'm in a depressed grind- not a rut, because I'm not stuck- and it makes it so hard to feel anything. I'm going into my fifth year as a closeted adult living with my mom and trying to finish my degree (hopefully this fall), and I can't feel good about stuff I have to hide. My studies swing over my head like a pendulum and make me feel inadequate. I'd buy art partially to try and generate interest and good feelings and I never found the confidence I was looking for. That's what it comes back down to- I am operating at a severe confidence deficiency that makes me moody, flaky, and reluctant.

So here is the plan. I need to move on with my life. Not from here. On to here, essentially. I'm not in the stage of my life where I can do this kind of stuff. The art sprees, the introduction DMs, it's all going to slow to a trickle because it bangs around in my head and makes me totally incapable of establishing the connections in this community that I seek in doing those things in the first place. I'm going to sort out my personal life. And eventually, whenever I feel ready, I will start being more public facing again, more like the person I always wanted me to be, that I have been and know I can be. In the mean time, I will still be around, but I will be less "fake", and I will try to communicate my mental circumstances. I want to talk less about the fursona and more about me. Not how crap everything is for me, but, you know, thoughts and feelings and stuff. Less fantasy stuff. The stuff I've been hiding. That is the best way I can build for the future and boost my confidence while my real world circumstances are what they are. When things change, I won't need to beg for attention online to be seen as who I truly am without the shadow of my past hanging over me, and things will get a lot easier.

Again, thank you for caring.

<3