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I am a mixed bag of emotions.

I am happy. I am relieved. I am anxious. I am worried. I am unsettled.

Currently, I am feeling a lot of things. The job hunt is finally over. I finally landed that job that can get me out of the predicament I’ve been in. It was a long and mentally trying moment in my life but I am finally glad that I have something to focus on. The irony is that it’s not even the job I wanted.

By the end of February, I was hedging my bets on two companies: A, and B. Company A was the one I was vying for the most part. I really wanted to get it because what they were offering was great and working there would really help me in the long run in terms of things it can add to my skill set.

Company B on the other hand was just a whatever. It was a throwaway option that I kept on my hand because why the hell not. I was never really invested in it and would not have been devastated if I didn’t land it. It wasn’t bad or anything; quite the contrary. The place seemed decent, and the office wouldn’t be far from where I lived, compared to A where I would have an hour of commute if I were to get it. I just wasn’t interested in it.

Unfortunately, life has this amusing way of twisting things. Or at least that’s how I perceived it. I ended up getting rejected for Company A whilst Company B offered me a job offer by the 2nd round of interviews. Despite me not wanting it, I accepted. Better to walk away with something than nothing at all.

So here I am: managing my paperwork and getting things sorted out so I can start working again. I handed in my resignation letter to my boss the other day and it was an amicable separation. I kind of feel bad actually. I really loved working for my current, or in this case, former company. The pay was great, the work environment was amazing, and the people were decent. It was honestly a company where I could see myself working till the sun sets. It was that good. Which is rare in today’s landscape.

But alas, the company itself wasn’t immune to the effects of COVID. Business went sideways and we had to get pay cuts. Management wasn’t the best and communication was terrible.

I had my exit interview with my boss and I told him all the grievances I had with the job and it felt very cathartic. It felt very nice to just tell someone how I felt, especially when it involved them specifically. It was like removing weights on my chest and I could breathe again. These past days I actually woke up feeling normal. Like, I don’t wake up anymore, having this dark cloud above me or this ball and chain strapped to my leg.

I felt like I could be happy again.

Which is saying a lot when I’m anxious about my new job. I’m worried that I might make a fool of myself. I’m worried that I might mess up. I’m worried that my new job might give me something I’m unable to do. It’s this suffocating sense of pressure that is oddly familiar as I’ve been through it before. I’m not sure how I’ll fare in my new job. At most I can give it my best shot.

Uncertainty is such a dastardly thing.

On the bright side though, my headspace has gotten better enough to the point where I can actually feel comfortable writing again. I can feel like I can “live” again. Granted, the problems are far from over: I still have to get my thing published. I still need to get my thesis revised enough that the publication accepts it. It had to take a backseat because of all of this job hunting. So I’m hoping to finally get that out of the way. At some point, I also need to get my ass off this island and into a better country and a life abroad.

It’s one problem after the other. It never ends.

I never expected to land this job that I have now.

Hopefully the next surprise will be a good one.

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