<3

♥

I want to encourage you.
My life has been shit for a long while now too, so a part of me wants to say some kind words - hoping that for some dumb karmic reason, we'll both feel better.
I heard somewhere that saying "I know how you feel" doesn't actually help much, and I don't know how true that is, but I know that sometimes when you feel like shit, or are in a lot of pain, be it physical or mental - that positivity can just bounce off you or miss you.

Idk...it sounds like you've been through some hard times, and you're still going, and I think you'll get through things better than you think you will.

Like cleaning a wound, things hurt a lot, but I think they'll get better.

Idk what else to say - I'm sorry.

Thanks for sticking around despite everything.

I appreciate your candor. You're not wrong. On the other hand, crushed as I am, I'm doing far better than I thought I would be. I honestly believed I was just going to break down entirely when my mother died. I could not imagine the world without her in it. But I'm still standing. For now at least. We'll see what else the universe has to throw at me.

Good news… I’m sitting in the sunshine reading your journal.

V.

Heh. I can relate. I swear, I'm photosynthetic. If I don't get my daily dose of sun, it screws up my sleep, my mood, my energy, and even my diet.

dying ain't cheap in germany, either. the cheapest option is still burning and storing in an urn grave for the next 20 years...

whatever you do, don't do as I did since my brother died suddenly last march, and procratinate things. I have things that are now about to fall on my feet, things I should have adressed months ago...

anyway. positive things? spring is springing here, and the backyard meadow is full of flowers. soon the apple tree will be blooming again, and the air will hum from all the bees for a day again.

That sounds lovely. I wish I had a meadow in my back yard. There's an apple orchard right behind me which is fine until they start up with their trucks and machines and men being noisy at all odd hours of the morning.

In any case, I'm definitely not going to procrastinate anything. The nature of this Shitshow is such that if I let even one thing go, it'll turn into an avalanche. X3

yeah, and there ain't such thing as riding it out...

best wishes!

Glad you're doing all right and at least treading water for now. Even when we're able to walk on water and things are going perfectly, recognizing and taking some modicum of joy in the little pleasures is just as important, I think. May you continually evolve into swimming and beyond!

Some good in my life at least: I'm learning that at 40 years old, I'm still willing and able to try to grow, learn, and try a new path! Currently going through the steps and am getting close to being offered an apprenticeship as a lineman. :3

Excellent. :3 Glad to hear it.

Frost

In winter woods the slightest sound
Falls frozen to the snowy ground.
The hunting owl still finds her way
Through dreams of silver, fields of gray
To wander through the ghostly light
And brittle beauty of the night.
In endless slumber, huge and deep
The woods and stars are fast asleep
And proud and pale, the Moon is lost
Behind a glowing screen of frost.

Well, it's not good news, but perhaps bad poetry will distract you a bit.

I don't think it's bad. Quite lovely, actually. Thank you. ♥

I don't know if it's good news but I'm finally able to to start working on our garage building, it's gonna be renovated into a living space. I've been tearing out the walls and flooring to the storage in the back, opening the whole thing up. It feels nice and the spring sun shining through the windows makes it very enjoyable. Never actually done any major renovation in my life.

Good to hear it's turning to the right direction for you, hope it stays the course for the better ♥

Sounds fun. And thanks. ♥

*Hugs*

♥

-hugs- We are all here for you.

♥

Don't have much good news fer ya, but just keep at it!

♥

Take some baby steps towards a sense of self recovery. It sounds like you might need to.

Enjoy being with and spending time with your partner. Enjoy the sun rises and the wind whipping through the new leaves. Hug a fur baby (providing if you or your partner aren't allergic to them!) Watch for meteorites streaking though the night skies. Count the constellations in the night sky and tell of their stories. Enjoy a few lit candles on a rainy day. Bake some cookies when it's too cold to play outside.

We cannot reverse the difficulties that stand before us, and we cannot bring back those that went on ahead of us. But we can enjoy someone or a bunch of somethings.

All true.

It may not be much, but I am subscribed to the Happy Broadcast, just to get something positive in my mailbox from time to time, instead of all the bad. There are many similar projects, maybe interesting to check out.

Thanks. : )

Still Hacking through Blender Tutorials. The upside is Blender4 is a lot wider and deeper than Maya was (but not as much as the Rolls Royce of VFX< which is Houdini), which looks like I can make just about anything in Blender. The Downside seems to be I may have to pick a specialization in it, which if I want paying work is environments and architecture, which means I have to maybe give up on characters and character animation, which is what I used to do in the Video Game Industry. I will say that grinding through the tutorials though has decimated my drawing output, though.

Health is improving, and I am taking my meds and listening to doctor's orders and taking that to heart. I am no longer winded on the bicycle and can ride for a couple of miles without having to stop, and wheeze like a grounded trout. I just ned to figure out how to sleep better.

You'll specialize to start out but I'll be shocked if you don't end up branching out a bit just as a matter of practicality. I used Blender strictly as a renderer for a very long time but eventually, I found it was more convenient to do certain things natively. Before long, I learned how to model, UV, texture paint, sim, rig, and a bunch of other things just for convenience's sake.

But to begin with? Specializing is fine. It's a good way to acclimate yourself to Blender conventions and UI philosophy. Branch when it feels right, if you have the time and energy.

After my computer and tablet went kaput, ive been able to order a new and different tablet, and the new cpu is within reach to order from my gofundme. The only few things I'm missing from the gofundme list is the monitor, keyboard and mouse and lastly, kinda forgot i may need an external cdrom/dvdrom drive lol. buuuut its getting there! Then i can get back to working digital art!

:3 Sweet.

More hugs. You can do it friend.

♥

All you can do is endure the best you can as you wade through the septic dumpster fire that is life. Hang in there, Silver.

♥

I think one of the best things my parents did for us kids was paying well in advance for their funeral services. Aside from a few extra death certs, the whole thing was already covered, saving us all time and money when they died.

But holy crap, funeral services are expensive as fuck.

Yeah. :\

*warm comfort-hugs* <3

♥

Bohemian Rhapsody Misheard Quotes

Along with much hugs.

Thanks. ;p

I realized that i have the strength to quit drinking, but maintaining it is another thing. At least i can keep trying to quit

But i read your journals and after losing my cousin and dog in the past four months, it's incredibly hard letting go.

I'm sorry to hear that. That's rough. :\ My condolences. I've never struggled with that particular addiction so I wouldn't know where to even begin offering advice or encouragement. All I can really say is stay strong and keep fighting the good fight.

i'm cool as long as you're cool bobbie-j

I dunno that I've ever been cool but I occasionally approach copacetic. :3

then: as long as you, every now and then, approach a state of reasonable copæcetihood, i'm in a similar condition of reasonable copæceticity





we may agree to that much, surely, bobbie-j?

Certainly.

I had a friend commit suicide in January.
I've reached out to three people since who were talking like they might too.
Some of them took a few weeks, but they all got back to me and are okay today.
I think that's good news.

Condolences. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I think I found peace in helping others.
While I would prefer to still have my friend, their death might have shocked me back into sense as I had considered doing the same if things stayed the same.

you big earred freak <3

something good though niche: I got to do a red-panda encounter for my birthday, and got to pet one. They are soft!

Awesome! :D

Thank you for writing out the terribly tragedy of your mother and her last months, it must have been hellishly difficult to do, even though it resulted in an invaluable insight into a sitution that people have to face sooner or later. Unfortunately, you'd had it worse than most, all the while dealing with another mind-shatteringly hard health issues, and having to create art through all this pain, stress and numbness.

I will be very happy to see you and your significant other not only surviving, but flourishing and happy in the future, near and far. Stay marvelously strong until the time you won't have to be!

I hope you're right. And thanks. ♥ I appreciate it.

Apologies for the jumbled grammar in my message, I didn't mean it to come across as carelessly composed! It really means a lot to everyone here on the outskirts of the Internet to have someone who can articulate with such precision the unbearable process of holding your loved one's hand until they pass on, and leave warnings and advice on how to deal with the inescapable adult practical issues around something that people think of as a spiritual, deeply intimate experience, and understandably forbid themselved from anticipating.

Thank you for providing so many people here a harbor to share their own tales of grief, and for taking the time to address each comment individually! It is an utterly heroic feat that no one would have blamed you for abstaining from, especially given the numbers of people coming forward.

It is a testament to the world's fundamental lack of fairness when vicious mediocrities get to run entire countries, while people of amazing talent and moral character have to climb jagged rock faces just to keep themselves alive.

Parasocial affection is cheap these days, so for what little it's worth, I'm always keeping you in my thoughts, and await future updates with cautious hope. May you start getting your share of good news in life at last!

I don't usually judge people's grammar unless it's some kind of formal occasion like I'm beta-reading their novel or something like that. So no worries. ^___^

And thanks. I really appreciate it. I know this all probably counts as "parasocial" but I've never liked to think of it that way. I don't know why but whenever I hear the word "parasocial", it makes me think of some hot, young influencer sitting on a throne and enjoying an exorbitant inflow of money just for existing while happening to be attractive. Alas, that's definitely not me. Or sometimes, it makes me think of some charming, witty, young guy or gal who's marvelously talented and puts out tons of top-notch content at a rate faster than should be humanly possibly but alas, that's not me either.

My family is small, emotionally and/or physically distant, and gravely dysfunctional so FA has always low-key kinda been like a family to me. That's why I always try to address comments, even when there is a torrent of them. I've been so terribly disappointed these past few years to see how the interconnectivity and personal engagement I used to enjoy so much has dwindled down to a pathetic little trickle.

TBH, I was kinda surprised so many people replied to my journals. I wasn't expecting it at all. I didn't know that many people were paying attention, especially given that I can pour my heart and soul into a painting and be lucky if I get four or five comments, most of which will say something along the lines of "nice work" or "good job."

In any case, thanks for humoring my rambe. I do appreciate it. : )

On parasociality: When strangers interact in a public space (he began his unsolicited explanation), especially one themed around displays of personal skill and accomplishment, there is always a degree of fame-hugging obsequiousness, or a suspicion of it, for every comment that goes beyond the upsettingly curt, but honest "Good job!"

I am angry with myself as I'm typing these very words for succumbing to the same attraction to technical excellence and eloquence, for blushing internally at getting an opportunty to engage with an artistic leviathan like yourself, even though the inciting reason was my reaction to your experiences of pain and overcoming it. I have felt similar regrets when interacting with the greats like Cornershop/Ophryon, and I don't know if this could be fully eliminated from these situations.

Would I have cared this much for someone equally beleaguered, but less artistically accomplished? I'd like to believe that I would, and doubts like that, if they were universally adopted as proper etiquette for the artist-viewer interactions, would isolate the elites from all the genuine appreciation that occasionally gets mixed in with the star-struck adulation.

I can understand feeling let down by a faint praise; your consistently extravagantly detailed pieces could spend a year touring from one high profile real life exhibition to the next, and not get the love and excitement they rightfully deserve.

This is to say nothing of your maniacal dedication to giving those details meaning and substance, the kind of worldbuilding that produces dozens of reference sheets for various blue vegetable that may have been used in a couple pictures.

The heart-spotting statuesque fidelity of your critters' anatomy -- which as well is inventively warped and twisted into new and exciting shapes.

The sense of stagecraft for spacing, placing and posing all those characters, draping them in clothes, cosmetics, jewellery, reflections and shadow, with the resulting impression reliably giving the viewers deceptive flashes of phantom deja vu, a sense that something *this* thoroughly grounded is bound to be tribute to a larger, organized production, rather than a brainchild of a single brilliant person.

It is a crime that you don't always get the quality of feedback you deserve -- and faithless lurkers like myself are resposible for a great share of that -- but at the same time, I have seen some fantastic interactions between you and your fans, including that fascinating frog-spotting tradition, and enough good people have cropped up to deserve being called your supplementary family of choice, so I am confident many more people will come forward to listen and support you the next time you share a tale of hardship and perseverence -- or hopefully one of an unexpected windfall, or a happy triumph.

Thank you in turn for humoring my prattling!

HAH! It's funny to see myself referred to as an "artistic leviathan." I don't feel like one. Maybe that's just the Imposter Syndrome talking. I'm working on learning to appreciate my artistic successes and be less harsh on myself for my failures. Problem is that I propelled myself forward by being overly harsh on myself and that's a difficult pattern to break out of as I've been reliant upon it since childhood.

For what it's worth, I do appreciate thoughtful comments and interesting questions. I love hearing about people's struggles to find Frogé. It makes my day when I thwart even my most stalwart veteran Frogé hunters. I especially love talking technique, helping other artists when I can, and learning new things for my own workflow.

I didn't mean to sound ungrateful. Truth is, I rely overmuch on external validation and when I don't get it, I feel like I failed. It demoralizes me and eats my motivation. I'm working to overcome that. It's probably something I'll always have to be vigilant about since I've been that way long as I can remember. I just have to keep reminding myself not to let the Imposter Syndrome take over.

I call my Imposter Syndrome gremlin Mind Dick and I like to imagine him as one of those stupid looking NFT monkeys but demonic with horns and bat wings. He sits in the back of my mind and prattles off nasty things like "your art is tryhard garbage" or "clearly no one gives a fuck so why even bother?" I've been telling him to shut up and instead, I focus on positive comments like yours. ^___^

In any case, you're very kind and thoughtful. It means a lot. It really is nice to hear and I appreciate it. Thank you.

♥

It may not be possible to overstate your artistic capability by any conceivable measure one might choose.
The avant-garde crowd may sigh a bit at the lack of bewildering inscrutable abstactions, but among those who expect art to depict conceivable things, I'd say your works could never fail to impress.

Your vegetation, even the otherworldly kind, always hangs down under just the right amount of weight, evoking the right ghosts of motion, and throw the right amount of shade.
Your interiors and outside spaces feel welcoming and accommodating, firmly grounded, breathing and practical.
Your ornaments, clothes and jewellery always feel like they fit neatly in a real school of craftsmanship, gorgeous yet stylishly restrained.
Your beasts speak fluently with their respective species' body language, and feel alert and harmonious with their surroundings.
Your people, of course, feel like they are frozen mid-frame in the middle of living fully believable lives, constantly caught in a web of emotional relationships, needs, ambitions and urges, lingering impressions wafting behind them, holding hard onto their present motivtions even as the mist of anticipation is starting to clear in front of them; even the single portraits leave no doubt that the sole character has a lot going on behind their eyes.

You can do soft, pliant leaves, weathered dusty brickwork, breezy fluff of a bird's plumage, the icy reflective metal shards, the tangibly cool rippling water, the glorious radiance of the midday sun, the soft twilight gloom, the austere assortments of tools and papers on an office desk, the neon-lit grime of a bleak industrial cityscape, the crispy rural knolls drifted over with snow that the viewer will know *exactly* how it would feel to the touch, with the distant blizzard only permitting the dim cold silhouette of the sun reach the foreground, and then you can conjure a sense of eternal warmth and plenty with the lush, fragrant Mediterranean garden portrayed just a few slots further into your gallery.

*And* your visual storytelling abilities are superb, as testified by those rare treats of panel sequences. The newer examples may be more visually sophisticated, but I will never forget that comic depicting brown thunderheads roiling into a hurricane over a dilapidated rural community of redneck Raphaelite furries serving as effigies of your debating opponents at the time.

A less accomplished striving artist might be wondering just what the hell else could you possilby wish to become capable of depicting?

But perhaps that hypothetical artist's incredulity is merely a mark of their inexperience and lack of vision. I fully understand how indebted to your high standards for fidelity of portrayal and depth of conceptualization you must feel after so many years of constant improvement and a mighty legacy of works left in your wake, not to mention that your selfless tenacity in art doubtlessly stems from your real life qualities that have helped you survive the terrors in your life so far. And it is excellent to see that you have established a working relationship with the beastie of self-doubt on your shoulder -- at least the little devil is identified and contained!

For honesty's sake I will admit that viewing some of your works may be a little difficult for me and other people with poor eyesight for the same reason that the lastest video games have diminished in their visual appeal -- the overwhelming sharpness and abundance of little details. If a person's vision is little blurry all the time, they would favor impressionist smoothness over the stark excitement of taking in and processing every star in the night sky all at once. This is not a complaint, only suggesting a reason why your creations may lose some of the audience they deserve. The ingenious Frogé hunt offers a way around this, however, daring the viewer to scour every inch of the picture, getting to appreciate all those details without feeling mobbed by them.

I believe it is very possible to overshoot the mark of being "good" at art into being so good that your works become intimidatingly overwhelming, and to develop a reputation for being inaccessible through no fault of your own. "Tryhard" is a zeitgeisty bastardization of an epithet that has always been used to give credit to the artist; you used to have to die for your art to land among the truly greats. For those who'd much rather get all the lucre and recognition out of their craft sooner than posthumously, the modern market has no better advice than to define your audience, and pander, please and promote until you get a break and make it big. But then, the same market would also advise to embrace those accursed NFT ape sets and the culture around them.

But I don't long for the past; no Golden Age-bemoaning pessimist could have predicted the sheer numbers of artists nowadays who, like yourself, have been able to balance out the moneymaking aspect of their creativity with the personal and the inventive applications of their skills. I just wish their circumstances would allow people to avoid having to make these painful compromises in the future.

That was a wonderful treat to read. It made my day. Hell, that might have made my entire month. ^___^ You have a literary flare and eloquence that makes me think you must be an author.

"but I will never forget that comic depicting brown thunderheads roiling into a hurricane over a dilapidated rural community"

Oh lawrde. XD That thing. I'd forgotten about that. So embarrassing. But if it brought someone some entertainment, good. I'm not sorry about that.

"A less accomplished striving artist might be wondering just what the hell else could you possilby wish to become capable of depicting?"

That's a long list. I'd like to get back into animation. I used to animate when I was younger but it is SO time consuming. I'd like to get better at expressiveness and gestural quality. I'd love to improve my raw draftsman skills, sketching, and sequential art. I briefly dabbled in 3D printing but alas, Shapeways kinda shat the bed so I gave up on that; I'd love to get back into it. I wish I wasn't an aphantasiac but there's nothing to be done about that. Aphantasia is the reason I rely so heavily on 3D but I'd love to improve on that too.

More than anything, I'd like to improve my speed and reliability. Every piece is a crapshoot. I never know what's going to go right or wrong. I'd love to be more like Nixeu, WLOP, and Sakimichan in their ability to put out topnotch work at breakneck speeds.

"a little difficult for me and other people with poor eyesight"

Oh yeah, absolutely. I grok that. In fact, I'm one of them. XD I'm visually impaired. I have to zoom WAY in to see what I'm doing sometimes. There are days where I can't see well enough to paint at all. It's frustrating. But lately, I've been trying to work on shape management, edge control, and lighting philosophies that make parsing visual information easier. We'll see how that goes.

The truth is that I struggle painting impressionistically. And there's another thing I'd love to improve on.

""Tryhard" is a zeitgeisty bastardization of.......to embrace those accursed NFT ape sets and the culture around them."

Now that's a hot-take I can appreciate. I'm gonna put that one under my pillow and sleep on it.

"But I don't long for the past; no Golden Age-bemoaning..... painful compromises in the future. "

Amen to that.

It has been a tremendous pleasure. If you ever want to chat, hit me up anytime. I'm here, on DA, Twitter, and Discord.

♥

Thank you for your kind appraisal of my logorrhea! I'm just commenting on things; and having failed to give proper feedback on so many deserving drawings in the past, occasionally I feel like atoning for my viewership crimes.

I figured that you would have a comprehensive map of directions for prospective development, but I couldn't imagine how, so I appreciate it greatly to be given an opportunity to learn exactly where a high-flying creator may wish to climb higher. Animation is the natural route for development, it is clear, but the costs of personal time and energy, given that investments of that nature scale with the technical level you're accustomed to, would be rather steep to say the least. Being able to delegate the dullest parts of the process to a studio staff is the caviar-coated diamond Learjet pipedream for any artist whose birth didn't involve silver cutlery, so it makes sense to strive for optimising your process to reduce strain on your wrists, eyes and back in preparation for the fractal difficulty spike of shifting towards moving pictures.

(It feels so sacrilegious to discuss the technology and strategies of making art, necessary though it is to do.)

Those three deviantArtists you mentioned are all spectacular, and it doesn't seem possible to produce that kind of complex and splendid pieces with any degree of alacrity. Yet, I have encountered unbelievably young artists firing off professional-grade visual feasts in a ridiculously quick succession; an enviable prolificacy, to be sure.

I had some idea about your physiological inhibitions, but a myopia/aphantasia combo? With a portfolio like THAT?! You may want to apply for the John Henry/Fred Nietzsche Award for the Greatness and Doggedness of Human Spirit for that alone, nevermind your existential defiance in other important areas. I really, really hope that some rich idiot with a big heart crashes into you in a hospital hallway someday soon, and demands to platonically sponsor you for the rest of your life; it's a slim hope, but starting from 2020 and counting, universal karma's got a *lot* of balancing to do.

Thank you for the invition to exchage correspondence! I already feel like I'd come to lay some flowers at the base of an Amelia Earhart memorial, and the granite statue came to life, and we've been talking for a few hours, and now she's asked me to call upon her during a seance sometime, so I'm already feeling very in over my head here. Outside of comments like this (which are obnoxious and tiresome in their own way), I am a poor and unreliable conversationist. Added you on Twitter, though!

I'll not you. :3

*sends you hugs*

On the plus side, I'm reemployed and just went to my first furry convention in two years. I am working hard on a trilogy of books which I hope to finish when I finish, trying not to assign myself arbitrary deadlines since that is one of the things that always slowed me down. But so far it's going steady which means it's going and that's good enough for now.

But so far I'm really excited by how well it's going and can't wait to show some of it off.

I'm glad to hear it. Congrats. :)

Thanks!