Sorry if being so withdrawn has upset anyone lately. I felt more than anything to just say thanks to everyone who's given me feedback and cared about stuff I've done lately.

Overwhelmed by too much stupid crazy stuff upstairs hehe! Maybe you know how it goes. I have to try to distance myself for a while, a bit more than just taking a break. Uh...Too much stuff has been going on, to the point where I'm unable to explain it all. Just don't have the energy, but uh, it's making the whole expression and 'sensitive topics to explore online' a bit more difficult.

The trauma comic

Thanks, so, sooooo much to everyone who's read and told me what they thought. I'll be honest, I think I may have overestimated my confidence in not wavering on this whole topic. What I've already drawn was senseitive enough, but I'll put it plainly--I'll be using the mature and perhaps adult tag, and then probably places that don't even use tags to get to uh, the full story. I'm so embarrassed! Embarrassment is a form of fear, and they say you should never have fear. So, embarrass yourself? Hehehe, You know, the idea of putting those unclear on my situation in my shoes does tickle me, for sure!

I will be starting it over. Just uh, completely washed out--it's morphed into something new every day to the point where I can't just pick up where I left off. It's probably gonna take a while. Why does explaining my most sensitive moments burn in the back of day-to-day life the way it does?

Implicating a family member, and being questioned by friends on why I'd feel nervous about doing so. It's all a lot to take in.

Turning a corner

I turned a corner lately and when I see through this lens, everything feels a lot more clear. I feel like to get into it would just be to tease. All I'm saying is I feel a lot better lately but it requires sorta taking a break. And not thinking so much about image or commissons, despite really needing to consider it again. The self-loathing associated with knowing I used to do commissions freely, but now feels like I have a 'prosopagnosia'-like sensation when it comes to deciding how to plan drawing ideas--let alone what media to use, and how it should be captured and broadcast--it's too much to think about.

I feel like getting into it would be like 'spoiling things', you know? If I just say how I felt, I'd go on for a long time. If I drew something, it'd be easier for others to pay attention and I'd be doing something instead of nothing. I feel like I'm in a daze constantly, wondering why I should be doing what I'm doing. But, as I turn this corner, I've just been feeling better about myself and seeing things differently. I'd say it's a sort of comforting beacon within the fact that my instincts tell me to cross into scarier territory. I do hope you and others look forward to it, but I also hope I don't drown in hoping I'm lauded or expected of doing more than I'm capable of.

Other folks' media.

A day or two ago a friend showed us a super mainstream movie from this year which got me to cry, but they weren't. Ha-ha! sensitive issues! A character who's identified as the creepy weirdo with mommy issues and a talent that's as useful as it is laughable--No future for them!

Crying in front of your friend's friends after a lotta movin' around doing stuff just wanting to relax, ha, oh my oh my.

Whenever I see anyone else's media, I feel like "They're starting to encroach on subjects I want to get into. What's the point? Yeah I can be seen as unique as far as my style goes, but using that as an excuse is just a clear slide into stagnation! But then again Jarr, best not to do nothing, hmmm? Even if it's harmful, it's something, right? Yes it doesn't answer your question but again, they'll tell you it's wrong to do nothing and lecture you about opportunity cost. Bear it, and feel that catharsis at your own expense. You can expend a little more, right? That's what everyone else says you can."

Every day I don't get into stuff I always said I wanted to feels like walking over a bed of nails. I get to see those closest to me laugh at something someone else did, while they complain about those comic artists that 'don't update forever'! I just punch myself in the gut until I go to bed but, uh, punching yourself in the gut as punishment for not doing anything is tiring! Some responsibilities can be achieved but those stories everyone praised you for? Uh, did you forget about all the other stuff that would be better off done? There's always something. Something to save time, save money. It's almost as if stories and art are being phased out. Am I sounding crazy?

I still think of that 4chan post saying all I do is post cringy journals as I prove it right here.

I think of how every day, people that read this journal watch and favorite people that still snub me via notes and justifiably say I run around in circles. I'm just some abominable distraction, but you love them. They give you reason to, while I just kinda squirm in place. Stuff most people are bored of, huh?

...Ah well either way, long story short I wanted to drain a few thoughts into a journal. At the end of the day, I feel like I can turn things around. But that logaria up there, that's what's playing 24/7, y'know? How can you know why I'm so slow if you don't know what it's like? xD if it's simple or stupid, gimme the answer, please! ;w;! Plleaseee ;w; I'm beggin' ya! ;w;!

With that, I'll just hit submit, and I'm withdrawing from IMs and maybe some platforms for now. Drawing has to settle in place again; I think it will but I can't promise anything right now, despite the guilt of knowing I could really use the money/branding-generation of activity. But I gotta stay away for a while. Sorry if it's stupid to bother you again, but like I said, I think I can work things out. I'm just gonna be over there in a corner by myself for a while.

Edit: Fanart Seal

I believe my fanart seal has been broken. If you remember the theme of my last stream announcement's thumbnail art, then you know what broke the camel's back. I feel...Decadent! I feel like freely drawing from games or shows I like with uh, creatures of my own design lately! You see, maybe there's a more inclusive culture around this stuff or more protective circles about fanart, but I was raised in a time when you'd be laughed at for trying to assert your own creative juices with fanart. you'd be seen as pompous, and better off having drawing from Andrew Loomis or Bridgman. I hear the sentiment we might be in a 'post-cringe' society but I'm not so sure about that.

Either way, I still wanna do it :D there's a few things I want to uh...Oh--right, the whole 'idolatry' thing! lol

I always felt it was weird paying such strong tribute to established canon characters that were woven by contracted weavers of illusions (artists for hire.) for the ultimate goal of money! Everyone complains about capitalism but then just kinda opens their wallet for the next colorful thing that kinda looks like what they used to play a long time ago.

I kinda had a little breakdown talking to a younger acquaintance and realizing the grim reality that even if you made a drawing or an animation or a game, it'll just be usurped into a reaction compilation or let's play. This person I was talking to would watch someone play the game I would eventually learn to make! What's the point?

Well, maybe there is a point but again uh, that's yet another ghostly track I'm improving on over in my corner.