Hey all, just a 'quick' journal. Things aren't quite right, not sure when they will be. Overall, going okay for the moment. Seems a bit rough out there from my perspective underneath this rock, so hoping others weather their respective storms as well.

I stopped pacing around the hallway, tried to calm my heart a bit to write this journal. This seems to happen every day. In my mind I see pages, and pages and pages of comic. Half of them stories, but half of them are informational like my trauma comic. I realize my writing deteriorated to the point of near-illegibility, I realize this--but it means my sole form of effective expression is drawing now. I'll skip the sob story and just say it's so hard to feel like doing anything at all, things way easier than picking up a pencil. I feel like I'm pressure cooking myself. I feel like every moment I don't get an entire, structured comic out with a beginning, middle, end, a neat little twist, good art--every moment it's not being done, I'm letting someone down. It's just an endless pressure.

I feel like a purpose, or a duty to explain what's going through my mind. Some stuff is so complicated I can't even get into it, but some I can. Specifically, I think about how I could do better with my art to serve a better function rather than JUST exciting others. I mean, exciting others is great but I must be honest, I feel a lack of a sense of purpose. I end up feeling like, while smut and gross stuff is in fact still fun to draw, I feel a dread thinking it's all I'll ever do or all I'll ever be known for.

I think the main issue is that I've kind of stopped making any sort of progress in any way a while back, and I keep thinking drawing is going to solve it, or drawing is the way. To save yet another sob story, I'm not so good at keeping a job and it of course makes me think that maybe I could get back to art. I will be honest in saying I really need to. I hate that years ago I could just throw a stream up and make half of what I need this month in like a week. Unfortunately I'm running out a lot of good will (and cold, hard cash.) from friends by essentially promising to do art instead of doing it. It's disgraceful to be honest. But it just seems so weird and painful. Feels like putting pen to paper, 'when you think about it long enough', is in some form, harmful. Most of my exciting material that I do for money, or at least sexual arousal also share the same space as something I find so dark and traumatic. Those events I portray in commissions and 'fun art', and also want to talk frankly in a more generalized setting are discussions I think that would better serve society, all of it, but if it's no longer just adults-only smut, it needs to be adjusted. I spend hours, every day, trying to compose in my mind just the right first page for a comic whose ultimate goal is to explain that we as a society hold the tools to inhibit public humiliation, as well as the tools to foster weaponized shame, utilized often within what we refer to as 'our communities'. I feel like it's not being talked about. A journal like this won't do anything, it needs to be a comic. Something that someone spent time on. A video would be even better, like a video essay. And while we're at it, might want to learn how to edit, and maybe animate, you know, uh, and then there's where to post it--is it seen as inappropriate, did I speak insensitively, is it even right to do in the first place--I literally just pass out thinking about this stuff these days.

There is also the fact that I realize I've used art as a tool to benefit myself since I've been online. I want to give a great big, non-sarcastic shoutout to the voice who cut through the rest years ago and told me that my "Poopypants guide" was a mating call. I agree, and I agreed back then but it seemed like the way I behaved was the only way. I could not see an alternative. These days as I learn new things every day showing the world isn't what I thought it was, and it's easy to see that "guide" was self-serving. I should say I'm glad for those who still enjoy it. The one part that sticks out to me positively still, is that many resonated with the idea of not exacerbating shame when/if witnessing it. That's the one speck of pride I feel from that disgusting advertisement after all these years.

It has become easier to separate elements that have mixed up in mind, and structuring them for better, clearer purposes. Every day I don't draw (and post, and promote myself, etc) I feel like others still have this thought of me in mind that isn't how I am anymore. I want to at least get it out there, in a way everyone will see (a comic or video or something.) that I'm different now. But I do believe it's a compulsion. This urge to want everyone to see me a certain way is a goal that only benefits me. So long as this goal is mixed up with actual altruism or compassion, it will always be a contaminated brew that will serve no one, ultimately.

I have mixed feelings on not continuing the trauma comic in the form it's in. On the one hand--I don't have it in me to go further right now on what I planned to do. On the other hand--I wanted to do that comic for friends that may be in a bad spot, in a peculiar way. It was going to lead up to how we end up humiliating others, sometimes making deliberate choices to wield shame-inflicting weapons on others that we trusted or those who have trusted us. Often, no conversation or discussion is even considered. I wanted it to get out there, maybe try to help those friends I'm thinking of by maybe getting a conversation about shaming others online. But I bit off more than I can chew, and now we all languish. I try not to frame things so negatively, but it's hard to when I can just feel the despair off those friends I just wish I could help with the one skill I have.

I don't think I can put it any other way than it feels unsafe to draw online, a lot of the time. These days.

I would like to draw fanart of a few things. Earlier on in life I was told that if you drew fanart you were a fan of stagnating and that you should be reading an Andrew Loomis book. The collar is slowly withering away. At the same time, I have a lot of thoughts on the entertainment industry that conflict with my current standards on art, now removed from a strictly skill-based perspective. It's so clear in mind, just like it always was...Just feels like the pencil is made of barbed wire. I feel funny even typing about my thoughts on a game. It's that far ingrained in me that those thoughts could be better spent on improving art, or making money directly.

Digital is too much for me at the moment, traditional only. For those I owe, it'll have to be traditional for the moment, I'm sorry.

I would love to get back to just free-drawing and requests. When art becomes linked to groceries, it's so hard to feel like justifying it, no matter how much you detest the idea that everything is just based around money, how much you detest the idea that free, fun and probably meaningful gifts will always lose out to a commission. Requests are permanently closed, for everyone, everywhere. Because we all get hungry.

I would like to try to say that we're just all going to have to see, and hope that things get better, y'know. Like every time. I feel like it's been that way for a long time. Things seem to be hard, it's putting me down pretty bad and it seems many others aren't in a great position right now either. I wish I could serve my narcissistic tendencies a little more effectively--and also, separately, help out.

I'll leave it at that. When I hit 'create/update journal', I will try not to etch grooves into the hallway as my mind explodes. I will try not to track the sticky tile to the carpet for hours on end, trying to think of how to best compose my sheepgoat explaining things to an audience. Try not to mentally compose entire stories that I know I would be proud to work on, only to worry myself hungry, eat and then take a nap, and then do it all again the next day. I'm going to try not to think about the voices and the ghosts with really good reasoning as to why what I'm doing is a bad idea. Try to fulfill my promises to draw for the money I already had to spend. Try not to think about the non-ghost voices with good reasoning and passion for the internet dogpile. Just...Try to enjoy things again while having purpose. It feels like beating my head on the wall, and the headache is just making things a little hard to focus. I will try and try again, here's hoping the headache doesn't get worse. Without an alternative, hoping is all any of us can do.