when you're in here, and all the externals of life are removed, save the intelligence behind the words, it is so easy to fall in love...

V.

That is true. For me, it's essential. I need that intellectual connection first. Physicality matters less. It's how I realized I was demi. I bond from that interaction. I need to talk to a person, get to know them intellectually, over time. It also seems deeper than meeting someone in person. I've never just dated and gotten seriously involved. I grew up in the age of the internet. I became the typical introvert with a computer who found others of similar minds to become friends with, or love. Yet it's never worked out. I always love. They always hurt me.

Then, I don't know. I am pretty much what you see. I don't hide behind a cloak or try to be anyone other than myself. I don't lie or deceive. I may have depths, characteristics and parts of myself I keep veiled, to protect myself. Only letting others see as they gain my trust, or prove I can open up those pieces of myself. But I don't conceal or mislead. I always try to be honest and forthright. I am what you see at face value.

I give others the benefit of the doubt, always thinking they are the same way. I don't understand being otherwise. It's foreign to me. As much as I can be an empath at times, this is not something I can comprehend. So to find out someone isn't who they seemed to be, it creates cognitive dissonance I can't come to terms with. Whether they mean to mislead, or their motivations changed. Whatever happened, I can't understand. At some level, the person I believed them to be diverged from who they were, or at least, their behavior did. We all can deviate from our typical behavior though. It doesn't require deception.

I still give him the benefit of the doubt. If Ash asked it of me, I'd be there for him. I am forever his friend, even if he's shut me out. Whether my love for him could ever overcome what has happened, I don't know. I have an immense capacity to forgive, but to trust again would take time. Would I be willing to give the time? Yes. Would I be willing to give us a chance? Yes. Do I know if my heart could heal from this? That's the question I keep asking myself every day.

I don't feel like I'm healing. I just feel like my heart is cut open, and I'm bleeding out. And yet ... for the feeling of loving him, and to be loved in return, I would try. I would give him all the time in the world to heal the pain and my trust regain. Because he's Ash.

and there in lies the internet and the danger of what we did... I say did, because it happened to me too, but, for me, it was a wake up call to come back to the real world.

I have a theory that the next step to phones will be AI that talks to you like a friend. When that happens, people will stop associating with people because they won't need them for that emotional support.

V.

I'd still want a human behind the words, myself. I like the intellectual connection, but I want a real person there. Or cat, as the case might be. This one. There is a danger in not knowing what is real. The person you're speaking to might not be who you think they are. You give them trust and hope? I suppose you take a leap of faith each time. I still wonder. I don't think he was someone else. Something happened. And I don't understand.

I'm not sure if I am the right bear to give advice on matters of the heart, but my gut feeling would be this: Go with what your heart tells you. if it feels right for you, go for it. So long as the two of you are compatible, age (apart from legal limits of course) is but a number.

I think I was too ambiguous with my words. This is the same cat I fell for last year. Mentioned in previous journal entries. I suppose I talk in a vague way as to try to be private, but I don't really manage that very well. He was a good fit. I liked it. It felt right. And now, for some time now, nothing has felt right anymore. Since he vanished from my life without word.

I see. Perhaps it wasn't so much your wording, but me not being an English native speaker? Or a combination thereof.

Either way i am happy to see you are still around. *hugs*
Going by what you have told me you need one thing more than anything else at this point though: Time to heal. Ideally supported by your friends.
You know I am here for you to talk with if you need me (albeit I am looking at a move in a few months time)

I think it was probably equal parts my wording and your comprehension coming from a non-English background?

I am still around. *Hugs back.*

I do need to heal. I don't feel like I have been. I've been slowly bleeding out, getting worse. I can't seem to bandage the wounds fast enough. I have friends, but mostly online, and life doesn't always allow for easy communication. Time zones and more get in the way. Work, school, life in general.

I appreciate your being here, too. I didn't know you were planning to move. That's hopefully a good thing?

Ehh.. I suppose so. My housemate (and good friend of mine) wants to move in with his girlfriend - and for me alone this place is way too expensive. So I need to find new (and smaller) accommodation for myself - which is difficult in its own right.
And before you suggest it, no, I am not going to look for another housemate. Mostly due to my ..problem with people I don't know. I don't want to exascerbate my mental issues.
This move is an opportunity to maybe move closer to some of my other friends though - depending on whether or not I find a place there.

I understand. I wouldn't want to live with a stranger either. It's why I live alone. It'd be easier to afford things with a roommate though. Finding a place that's smaller, but not too small, just to be affordable alone, has to be difficult. I wish you well with that.

I can't recall where you live. How far are you from your friends?

approximately 35-40 kilometers. I'll see by how much i can reduce that.

Your well wishes are appreciated. Thank you.