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Sometimes I feel like quiet is my only option
3 years ago
My troubles are too heavy. I rely on others too much, rest too much on them. Or, at least try to de-stress by sharing, talking. But there's only so much anyone can shoulder. The weight can be more than I can take, so why would it be something others could handle? I realize this. It's taken time. I know it's why some people now shy away from me. I weigh on them too much. It's for their own good. It seems these are things I shouldn't talk about with anyone but my therapist. Though I have to pay them. It doesn't feel like it's quite the same. Yet it's still probably best I keep the darkness to myself. I don't want to be so despairing I drag others down or cause their lives to be unsettled. It's hardly my intention. So I hold more back. It's not as if I have many left who would listen. Such connections. So best not to put more on those who are here than I should. That's what I'm trying to accept, realize. I said 'realize' before. Realizing? I want to be kind. That means to be quiet. It's not fair on those who let me close to break them with my brokenness. Is that even a word? It's not getting flagged by spell check. I hope I can learn to be less of a depressing specter in others' lives. I want to be a friend that can be counted on. That can bring light. So I'll learn to shine such that the darkness doesn't show. Perhaps one day the light I shine will be real, and not just an illusion hiding the shadows.
*hugs...
Vix
Even so, I would argue there ARE people around you willing to listen. *waves paw*
There is no need for you to wear a mask. Be yourself - scars and all. I can only speak for myself, but I very much like genuine people - no matter what is dragging them down.
*He nods.* I appreciate your willingness to listen, and talk.
I feel that my scars are too much. I'm a weary cat. I'll try to be genuine though. Not to hide too much. I appreciate too that you don't want to be shielded from what's dragging me down. Fur isn't always so orderly. If that we could groom away the scars on our souls.
What you say about "scars should be hidden" that is not quite accurate. The same is true for being dependant on others.
Because there is an important distiction that needs to be made: Needs vs. demands.
Specifically this pertains to your conduct. Yes, you have scars. And also yes, you need the support of other people. BUT You are not going around playing what today is called the victim-card. By that i mean you are not going around begging for attention. instead you put your problems out there to the extent you are feeling comfortable with - and then it is on those who care about you to offer you help and support according to their respective capabilities. And this, my dear kitty, is a very good thing in my book. From my perspective this is about as healthy and beneficial as it gets.
The opposite of this would be an entitled brat running around demanding people to do XYZ for them. Sadly, that approach seems to have become concernignly common these days - and all the more glad am I that you are NOT one of those
I sometimes express too much, I think. It can depend on how I'm feeling. I often keep a lot to myself. So it's hard to gauge. I try not to overshare. If it feels comfortable, or welcome, I might tell more. You're right, I do need the support of others. It's why I talk to friends. I feel uneasy at times. Worrying I'm saying too much. Sometimes you just need someone there. An ear. Or supportive shoulder. To feel less alone. I realize some things require a therapist. But that's not the entirety of your support system. We all need friends.
There are people going around expecting people to do things for them? I suppose I see that sometimes. Or I can imagine it happening at least. Especially on social media. Twitter can be a mix. Especially these days. I appreciate that you don't see such in me. Thanks for your kind thoughts, bruin friend.