I want to be wanted. Needed. I think we all do. In some sense. To feel we are cared about as much as we care about others. This is especially true when it comes to love. Romantic relationships. It's especially so for me.

I’ve a new romantic connection that spurs these feelings. Reflections. Contemplative. Sleep deprived. These past days have been uncomfortable for me.

I realize it’s a conflict of experiences. They’ve been through different things than I’ve been through. Fewer traumas just for the fact that they’re younger. It creates difficulty in understanding at times.

Silence, especially spread out over time, brings forth past traumas. Where I was forced to endure prolonged periods of feeling inconsequential. Knowing I mattered less to another than they did to me. Knowing they could go on about their life without me in it, without feeling the emptiness I inevitably experienced.

The fears rise up anew. I won’t bring all the past into this, lest it grow unwieldy. It has been difficult though, going through relationships where I was made to feel unnecessary. It hurts every time.

“You don’t come first. But you also don’t come last,” was the line that did it for me, once upon a time. It was supposed to sound reassuring. It did not… See, when I love someone, they do come first. I wake up and think of them, want to talk to them each day, spend time together. I know it’s not always possible, but there’s a longing to have them in my day. A part of my life.

In the current circumstances, things being online, always online with relationships in my life, I am used to communicating via text. Words and thoughts are how I share, growing closer to someone.

I type with a keyboard at a PC. In contrast, they primarily use their phone, and the length of our conversations can be unwieldy for them. I don’t know if it feels overwhelming sometimes. So they retreat. I don’t think it’s for lack of caring, but past experiences … give me this feeling. They care less than I. They need me less. Want me in their life less. Can go on without me, as if nothing is awry. Meanwhile, I am lost. Lonely. Afraid. All the past heartache coming back. Memories engraved in my heart. It is familiar. Pain. Fear. Anxiety.

Who needs sleep?

I know it’s not intentional. Yet with each day that passes I feel more anxious. Worrying over what it means. Whether I mean anything. Is it the difference in age? Thinking back, that wasn’t the case in past relationships. In retrospect, I just mattered less to them than they to me. Of course, this isn’t one of those relationships. It’s new. It should be judged on its own.

Where do I find myself? Afraid. Of being hurt? Of being alone? Probably both. Of not having the bond I thought we had. Not being necessary. Then is it trauma I’ve felt that makes me so much more dependent on another’s presence? Is their being part of my life each day a means to feeling reassured? It all works together. Nothing alone.

I wake up and I think of them. I think of them throughout the day. I think of them when I lie down to sleep. I imagine the future. Dreaming. Hoping. It gives me hope to have someone there with me. To not feel alone in life’s journey. To feel wanted. Two lives coming together to form something more moving forward. We all need something to look forward to. To hope for.

I also need solid commitment and determination toward this outcome. Not just a dream, but a reality in the making. Forward momentum that can be felt and seen. I try to be patient. With the silence. And with the momentum I don’t yet know if is there.

I’d like to voice chat. Would that be easier for them? I want to discuss things. To understand one another. To feel at ease. This current feeling is awful. Fear of being alone once more. “Well, another person doesn’t need me,” my fear cries out. “What do I do?” I ask myself. “I don’t want to let go.” So I wonder. “With how hard it was to open myself up this time. And how much I care. I just want … to know they care too.” Caring should be equal.

I hope the future unfolds as is dreamed. I really need this. I really need them. This person is quite special. Moments like this, I wonder if I’m special enough to deserve them.

Maybe that’s why the silence happens. Fears, you know? They very rarely are right. But in the darkness, when silence is all you have, it speaks a thousand words, a thousand lies.