You told me your not responding at times, when you went quiet, was cruel, but you knew I understood and forgave you. As I did. I always forgave you. I loved you unconditionally. I was patient. I never wanted you to hurt. But how much cruelty can one take before it's no longer forgivable? You haven't been kind. Nor considerate. You've been so absurdly cruel it's not even quantifiable. I still don't pretend to understand. You could have talked with me, explained, given me some semblance of gentle kindness in the process. At least found a way to hurt me less. You didn't have to shut me out. Without a word. Without explanation. Just suddenly. Cold and cruel. I was worried about you. I thought something terrible had happened. I tried to reach out every way I knew how, but in time you shut me off from every avenue. Until I had no way left to try. I didn't understand. I still worried. I still do. Are you okay? Will you be? Or did I mean anything at all? Maybe it was just your way of ending things without having to deal with the emotional cost? Without having to see what your actions had wrought? That's not the way to handle things. As I said, it was cruel. Purely selfish. With how you went about it. Knowing what it would do to me. You knew better than anyone how hard it would be on me. Especially with all I was going through, to leave me on my own, having lost my job, watching loved ones die, so many things deteriorating in my life.

You might've thought it was what was best for me, trying to protect me somehow. But how you went about it, it was the opposite. It almost destroyed me. Did it? I'm not sure I'm even here anymore. I'm not sure I'm "me" anymore. Something very deep and integral, a significant part of who I am, seems dulled, missing. I feel in a constant state of trauma, a deep abiding sadness never leaves. I can barely get through each day. I function because I know no other way. I get through life. But is this living? I didn't want to. I haven't wanted to. It's been miserable.

I told you how significant love was to me. That I didn't take it lightly. I asked that you be mindful of this getting into a relationship with me. I pleaded with you even, so afraid from past experiences, that you not hurt me. That you treat me with kindness. Patience. Care. You reassured me. I thought I could trust you. I felt such deep love, I've never known anything like it before. It was so shocking. After so many years of pain, I felt joy. The moments were rare, breaking through the pain and strife I experienced in daily life. But they were there. I'd smile when we talked. I melted a little each time. Just the thought of you made me feel happy. Interspersed sparks of happiness in an otherwise anxious life. Like little pinpricks of starlight in the dark sky. My friends tried to support me through all the turmoil. I had so much going wrong. But you were there, and I held onto that. I believed. You gave me hope.

You inspired me to dare to dream. I'd have loved you forever, dedicated myself. I wouldn't have hurt you. I think you know that. You probably won't see this, but still, I wanted to get the words out. I will love you always. I'm just sorry I can't be there to help you. To see you through whatever you're going through. To give you the care and strength I sought to. To make you feel safe through everything. I wanted to be your protective snow leopard, always. I wanted to live a long life just to see that you were cared for, loved. Without a moment passing where you felt you were not. Forever your protective and devoted mate. I don't know that I am quite past that yet. It's like breaking the last vestiges of my soul even trying. What is left of me? I don't know...