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(depression vent post)
3 years ago
General
It’s been a LONG time since I put up a mental health vent outburst post here. Not saying that I was doing well but have slipped again. Nope. I have been falling low back then and still falling low now.
I don’t really know what I want out of this. Part like I said is just spewing out some of the thoughts that are plaguing me and can manage to form words around. I honestly don’t really expect anyone to read or respond. I ESPECIALLY don’t want effort spent on my behalf because it will honestly make me feel even more guilty. There are better causes out there and people who are worse off that need more.
I don’t REALLY know what all my catalyst are, but I do know that this is both a holiday weekend and there is a big comic convention going on near by that are certainly a big part of some of what I can enumerate.
To be frank, I’m always just alone and it’s being trapped with my own thoughts that just send me down into darkness. My only defense is “distractions”. Clearly something is wrong when going into work is better for my mental state than taking time away. It is able to give me something to focus on but even then, lately even then I feel like I’m uncertain what all I need to be doing while getting pulled multiple directions with various priority requests.
And yeah, I describe my work/life balance as a divide by zero equation. Work is the only place where I’m regularly around other people but even then, I’m still mostly just at my keyboard and I’m just overhearing the chit chat and socialization other people are doing. I’ve been on my program for a long time and I don’t really have “work friends” anymore. The ones I used to have all moved on with what they’re doing, doing other things, or otherwise just moved on with their life while I just sat there.
And yeah, the holiday weekend aspect comes in here because while people are talking about plans or out taking trips or doing things with others, I’m just -here-. I’m fortunate enough that I get every other Friday off, so this is just any other three days away from work for me. It’s nothing special. Except for everyone else. So when I hear “what are you doing for <insert date with social significance>?” I have nothing and feel even more guilt because I have nothing or even worse when people try to insist that I NEED to do something special. This holds doubly true for my birthday. I feel so much nothing about it that I feel bad whenever it comes up and I would rather not be the point of attention.
It says a lot about my depressed headspace that the first thought after getting breakfast and groceries this morning was “I guess it’s back to being the lonely shut-in and remain unseen until work on Tuesday.”
And yeah, Phoenix Fan Fusion is this weekend so I’m seem pics and stories of things going on plus the lead in of cosplay plans and projects. But the past few years, social anxiety reenforced by multiple meltdowns or near meltdowns at a few different conventions puts me where I don’t know if I can ever truly return. It’s again a place where I can see people having fun and doing things. I hear the voices of friends getting together. Voices that have gotten more and more familiar.
That is exactly what I can trace as the tipping point for my meltdown at PDFC a few years back. I was on a downtime waiting for whatever was happening later that evening. But while I was sitting without really anything to do, I was bombarded by the sounds of everyone around partying, playing, discussing plans, etc. And yes, several people I knew were among the chorus and it just became too much. It’s a particular reason why I’m just so hyper aware of my self induced solitude and being alone in crowds.
Like I said, I honestly don’t know why I’m typing all this up and putting it out there in the semi-anonymous void. I certainly know that I’m too broken to actually fix and can’t actually make myself do anything about it all. And like I said, I often just feel guilty when I get attention over things like this. Hell, I recognize that one thing the WulfBane character provides is a layer of anonymity and don’t really like presenting the normal view of me. Even when I do werewolf type things, it’s just an anthro wolf that is shifting into a more beastly monstrous werewolf form.
I don’t really know what I want out of this. Part like I said is just spewing out some of the thoughts that are plaguing me and can manage to form words around. I honestly don’t really expect anyone to read or respond. I ESPECIALLY don’t want effort spent on my behalf because it will honestly make me feel even more guilty. There are better causes out there and people who are worse off that need more.
I don’t REALLY know what all my catalyst are, but I do know that this is both a holiday weekend and there is a big comic convention going on near by that are certainly a big part of some of what I can enumerate.
To be frank, I’m always just alone and it’s being trapped with my own thoughts that just send me down into darkness. My only defense is “distractions”. Clearly something is wrong when going into work is better for my mental state than taking time away. It is able to give me something to focus on but even then, lately even then I feel like I’m uncertain what all I need to be doing while getting pulled multiple directions with various priority requests.
And yeah, I describe my work/life balance as a divide by zero equation. Work is the only place where I’m regularly around other people but even then, I’m still mostly just at my keyboard and I’m just overhearing the chit chat and socialization other people are doing. I’ve been on my program for a long time and I don’t really have “work friends” anymore. The ones I used to have all moved on with what they’re doing, doing other things, or otherwise just moved on with their life while I just sat there.
And yeah, the holiday weekend aspect comes in here because while people are talking about plans or out taking trips or doing things with others, I’m just -here-. I’m fortunate enough that I get every other Friday off, so this is just any other three days away from work for me. It’s nothing special. Except for everyone else. So when I hear “what are you doing for <insert date with social significance>?” I have nothing and feel even more guilt because I have nothing or even worse when people try to insist that I NEED to do something special. This holds doubly true for my birthday. I feel so much nothing about it that I feel bad whenever it comes up and I would rather not be the point of attention.
It says a lot about my depressed headspace that the first thought after getting breakfast and groceries this morning was “I guess it’s back to being the lonely shut-in and remain unseen until work on Tuesday.”
And yeah, Phoenix Fan Fusion is this weekend so I’m seem pics and stories of things going on plus the lead in of cosplay plans and projects. But the past few years, social anxiety reenforced by multiple meltdowns or near meltdowns at a few different conventions puts me where I don’t know if I can ever truly return. It’s again a place where I can see people having fun and doing things. I hear the voices of friends getting together. Voices that have gotten more and more familiar.
That is exactly what I can trace as the tipping point for my meltdown at PDFC a few years back. I was on a downtime waiting for whatever was happening later that evening. But while I was sitting without really anything to do, I was bombarded by the sounds of everyone around partying, playing, discussing plans, etc. And yes, several people I knew were among the chorus and it just became too much. It’s a particular reason why I’m just so hyper aware of my self induced solitude and being alone in crowds.
Like I said, I honestly don’t know why I’m typing all this up and putting it out there in the semi-anonymous void. I certainly know that I’m too broken to actually fix and can’t actually make myself do anything about it all. And like I said, I often just feel guilty when I get attention over things like this. Hell, I recognize that one thing the WulfBane character provides is a layer of anonymity and don’t really like presenting the normal view of me. Even when I do werewolf type things, it’s just an anthro wolf that is shifting into a more beastly monstrous werewolf form.
It is hard being alone especially when everyone around you is having fun.
I know some kind words over the internet are little comfort during these times, but I offer hugs.