I've been thinking recently after having a conversation with a friend of mine, this topic never came to mind but is something to consider. I might also talk about this with my therapist to see what they think. Never really noticed this but somehow I tend to have certain expectations of people and often complain if they aren't met. This theory might be true as I have noticed it in different situations.

Like in the previous journal talking about my jealousy, I was disappointed that the content creator was working on this big project and just stopped out of nowhere. I get it that sometimes we need to take a step back but the disappointment did get to me where it did cause my panic attack having to go to the ER back in March. Along with that, there are other creators that I admire and have ideas that I want to share with certain creators as I like their style or they have OCs that I want to use in my commissions but they either aren't open or reject them as they want to do said project their way and not as a commission. I totally understand that the creators have a say in what they will/won't work on but I probably get disappointed as I did mention the ideas to them at one point and hurt that they don't want to do said project even though I was looking forward to it at one point.

Something that my friend recommended to me was working on loving myself, and being my own friend before becoming friends with others. I do know that the important relationship is with yourself but maybe me and myself are going through hardships and need to rekindle. Since joining this fandom I have made so many fantastic friends and wouldn't trade it for anything else but sometimes it is tough especially if it's someone that's an artist who I commission often. Like the artist does commissions and I pay for one, sometimes it's strictly business while other times a friendship forms because of a connection that was built because of it. There are some friends of mine that do commissions often but I'm only paying for a commission and not a friendship. My friend did mention that I might be paying for a friendship which can be hard to tell when the person is an artist compared to someone that isn't.

Continuing on self-love, the same friend also recommended that I should get commissions that are more personal and make some more OCs. With all of my commissions, they're more so fantasies which I'm not saying is wrong but I should consider trying getting some commissions where it's something that's more of who I really am and not what I enjoy that's fictional. Plus I have been thinking about making more OCs as some people that I know has a wide variety of OCs which they consider family and also mental medicine relief than always getting commissions with others relying on others too. Not saying that I'll stop getting commissions with others but by making OCs I can have this world that's my own where I can call the shots and have these ideas become reality rather than waiting on someone only to be disappointed at the end.

Hopefully, this will be a wake-up call for anyone going through a similar situation. I'm not one to have any expectations but maybe they've been around but I was blinded by other things to notice. It's also important to be your own friend, not saying that you shouldn't make friends but it's best that you have a healthy relationship with yourself before having a relationship with anyone else.