These days I'm incredibly reclusive. The only other person I speak with regularly is my partner. When I first spoke with him, I had already decided it was the last person I would ever try to befriend. I was so broken at that point and burned by so many people, people I thought I was close with. Every community I had tried to participate in has shunned me, and with hostility. So I never thought that decision to just try one more time would lead to a relationship, let alone such a loving one. A lot of my extremely limited energy goes into it, but it's worth it.

So after over a decade of desperately trying to find somewhere to fit, I gave up. I've finally accepted that I can't fit in with any community. I have my partner and that means the world to me, and it has helped me come to terms with this. Though I still feel haunted by the harassment I faced here over a decade ago. Especially the "part 2" that happened a few years ago, because of the "friends" of the one person still on here I thought I could trust. I just can't do the clique thing.

Although I always had trouble communicating in spoken word, once I had access to the internet, speaking through writing was easy for me. That is no longer the case. It brings me great anxiety, even outright terror, to try communicate at all outside of my partner. I'm afraid to reply to things most of all. I think it started, years ago, in not wanting to reply "too fast" out of fear of being seen as too eager to talk to people. Then I became afraid that I was replying "too slow" because I started struggling and taking hours to write a response. That fear then became a fear of responding "too late" as long times would pass before I'd say anything, until I would just end up saying nothing. The two individuals on here who still didn't hate me for some reason, I ended up neglecting because of this fear. Although I used to be very active online, the past few years, I have essentially been like a ghost.

Even in real life, I feel like I've been in some sort of state of stasis. I feel too sick and have so little energy I hardly have it in me to even do the things I want to do. I feel trapped, almost paralyzed with fear of doing anything, with covid only amplifying that further.

I'll be turning 32 soon yet I still feel like a child and I hate it. I need help with things that should be so basic. I hardly understand how to do anything that someone my age should be expected to know how to do. In my current circumstance I feel like I'm not allowed to, and I'm terrified to try. Ever since I got laid off we had to sell my car I've lost what little independence I had. But I don't have the energy to hold a job, the only reason I was even able to keep the one I had was because they made massive accommodations for me. I don't have many skills, I could only get an associates degree as a result of the limitations MS brought me when I developed it halfway through. I've been out of work for a long time now, but I feel like I have to "get my shit together" before that can happen. I've been basically been just trying to gather both mental and physical strength, trying to get some semblance of health back, I know it's already a huge privilege to even be able to do that. I guess I feel too ashamed in general to be worthy to communicate with others, which is another reason I'm so disconnected.

Because of my age I feel even more like an outsider. Back when I was a teenager on the internet it wasn't unusual to see people my age now in fandoms, but now it seems as if people are expected to no longer enjoy things once they hit 30. And I feel like I've missed out on so much. Even though I was aware that I was non-binary (called genderqueer at the time) over a decade ago...it was only a few years ago that I had learned that nonbinary people are even allowed to be on HRT get any sort of surgery. Yet despite that I'm still terrified of seeking those options even if they might be available to me. But I also worry it's too late. I feel betrayed by my own ignorance. It doesn't help that the words my therapist told me when I talked to her about my identity still ring clear in my head despite being so long ago, she said "I thought that was just an internet thing".

It's not that I'm entirely unhappy though. Talking with my partner brings me more joy than most things ever have in my entire life. I feel so loved and cared about in a way I never have before. He accepts me for who I am when so few have. He makes an effort to listen to me when most people in my life would just automatically brush me off and only pretend to listen. He lives in a different country, but was able to visit several months ago. Experiences like that give me hope.

But that hope dwindles as covid carries on yet the world continues as if it is over. It would be especially dangerous for me to catch it, so I've been even more reclusive than normal, and with restrictions lifted it is no longer safe for him to visit me again even if he could. I feel like I'm just waiting until I can forge a new life together with him.

Anyway. I realize I've just gone on a long rant that isn't really about anything. I came in with this having a plan but it got off the rails.

I wanted to say that I think the way that the internet has changed is a big driving factor to my lack of activity anywhere. Everything moves so fast and is expected to move so fast that I can't keep up which drives more anxiety. Real life is expected to be fully intergrated but I'm not comfortable with that information being public, especially with what horrible people do with that information.

Ever since I realized my interest in ABDL things, I also felt pressure to keep that entirely separate from everything else. But I found it so difficult, to maintain different accounts, everything just ended up getting neglected. I always felt like I had to "hide" different parts of myself. But I'm so tired of that. I want the freedom to be genuinely me in all aspects. So I'm actually planning to relocate some old stuff and ultimately just use this account for art in general.

When it comes to FA specifically, there's this prevailing attitude (especially among babyfurs) of...I guess I'd call it "good vibes only" syndrome or "toxic positivity". This has been rampant as long as I've been on here. Where people will turn a blind eye to genuine suffering and ignore cruelty because saying anything would be "being negative", and anyone who wasn't expressing happiness 24/7 or would dare point out things like blatant racism or transphobia would be attacked and shunned. Even a simple 'that was hurtful' is enough to draw scorn from the community. I might make an entirely new journal regarding primarily this issue.

Lastly, I've essentially not had the energy to create. It's so physically exhausting to me these days that I hardly draw at all. My desire to do so has been limited as well. I can doodle, but it's tough for me to actually "finish" anything beyond rough sketches. Nowadays there are so many amazing artists that I feel like there isn't any room for me anymore anyway.

Despite all this, I'm doing ok. I never planned to live as long as I have, but I want to keep living. Sorry if it just comes off as whining. I know I've seriously let down friends repeatedly because of my own fears and reclusiveness, and just saying sorry for constantly disappearing isn't enough. I've only ever given people on FA my telegram, but I have a hard time with how it works and neglect to use it... I do have a Discord which I am actually active on and can be consistently contacted there, and can PM that to those who ask if I know you. Thanks for reading.