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Tenuous Reprieve/Into The Mind
3 years ago
The bills are being paid, though my best efforts seem to merely continue my ability to walk the tightrope one more day. There is no sense of security, no true rest for my worrisome mind. Only, there is the knowledge that if I expend a great deal of effort I can stay off of the streets-- myself and my mother. My hope is to reach a point where it isn't a question as to whether or not I can keep a roof over my head, which would allow me to focus my efforts more reliably inwards. To fix myself.
That is not to say I have been completely incapable of prodding at my brain. I have been seeing my therapist every week. After months of divulging details and chasing leads, it seems she's come to a conclusion-- a likely culprit for at least a handful of my woes: ADHD. I won't bore you with the details, reader, but a lot of my life's troubles can be chalked up to ADHD. The lack of focus, the lack of... motivation? I feel like I've never had that in short supply. Art, RPs, writing... even my walk with God, I've never been lacking in the desire, that feeling of NEED. It just felt like trying to turn a car on with no gas in the tank. For years I thought I had something physically wrong with me, something causing me to be fatigued. The doctors ran their tests and found nothing, which is why I was referred to a therapist in the first place.
While I feel rather convinced that I have ADHD, it does not explain the *actual* tiredness I feel at times. I think. Maybe the tiredness is a part of it-- a part of not having enough dopamine in this brain of mine. I suppose when an organism can't perform any work, sleeping is just... a mechanism, maybe? I don't know.
The ADHD would also at least in part explain my indecision when dealing with my creative efforts... like my fursona. That thing that has plagued me for a year now.
Having my creative life paralyzed by not being able to decide on a redesign for my fursona may seem like nonsense but it is imperative for my functionality. I can exist in the real world and perform the real-world tasks and goings-on but I'm a husk. I'm not really there, honestly. The shell is animated but the mind is elsewhere, scouring the archives in search of answers. In search of a solution to this pain I've lived with for over a year.
My friends have tried helping me through this issue but it's hard for them to understand. I don't blame them for getting frustrated or not knowing what else to say.
I want my life back.
That is not to say I have been completely incapable of prodding at my brain. I have been seeing my therapist every week. After months of divulging details and chasing leads, it seems she's come to a conclusion-- a likely culprit for at least a handful of my woes: ADHD. I won't bore you with the details, reader, but a lot of my life's troubles can be chalked up to ADHD. The lack of focus, the lack of... motivation? I feel like I've never had that in short supply. Art, RPs, writing... even my walk with God, I've never been lacking in the desire, that feeling of NEED. It just felt like trying to turn a car on with no gas in the tank. For years I thought I had something physically wrong with me, something causing me to be fatigued. The doctors ran their tests and found nothing, which is why I was referred to a therapist in the first place.
While I feel rather convinced that I have ADHD, it does not explain the *actual* tiredness I feel at times. I think. Maybe the tiredness is a part of it-- a part of not having enough dopamine in this brain of mine. I suppose when an organism can't perform any work, sleeping is just... a mechanism, maybe? I don't know.
The ADHD would also at least in part explain my indecision when dealing with my creative efforts... like my fursona. That thing that has plagued me for a year now.
Having my creative life paralyzed by not being able to decide on a redesign for my fursona may seem like nonsense but it is imperative for my functionality. I can exist in the real world and perform the real-world tasks and goings-on but I'm a husk. I'm not really there, honestly. The shell is animated but the mind is elsewhere, scouring the archives in search of answers. In search of a solution to this pain I've lived with for over a year.
My friends have tried helping me through this issue but it's hard for them to understand. I don't blame them for getting frustrated or not knowing what else to say.
I want my life back.
Good luck, Were. It's a long but do-able fight, and one that can at the LEAST be stalemated, and on good days won.