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The Chord Conundrum
3 years ago
I had to read through the past year's worth of journals to make sure I hadn't already said what I'm about to say. In detail, anyways.
As it has been said in previous journals, I've been struggling with the design for my fursona, Chord Bloomfield. But I never really went into detail about it. Not publicly, at least.
For many years, I've had a sort of body dysphoria but being a furry online was a means of covering up the issue and not being bothered. This is more or less reflected in how I would draw Chord over the past decade: he was a white wolf (though originally he was solid gray with white hair) and missing an eye. Originally, the eye thing was just because I thought it was cool but, over time, it came to represent my general lack of perception of reality-- like I had lost some of that ability when I got more heavily into escapism either as a consequence of or a cause of my growing instability. Whatever the case, as time went on, I became more cynical and bitter towards life and this became apparent with how Chord looked and was portrayed. Even going back several years you can see that he was often dour or grim, though this trend became ever more normal. This bitterness also started to manifest with a growing restlessness with my body.
Playing games that allowed me to be something more than human were a source of respite as well as envy. I remember playing a Star Wars TTRPG with my old in-the-flesh friends and I heavily favored playing as droids. They were immortal, removed from human needs, and highly adaptable so long as you could pay for the right equipment to be installed. However, it wasn't until about a year ago where I was really "set off". I got into playing Space Station 13 as a synth or android and, for once, I got to see Chord as one. I got to experience, through this medium, being free from the weakness of my flesh. And I thought to myself, "Why not make this a real thing?"
The story should have ended there but perfectionism is a hell of a compulsion. And when combined with cynicism, bitterness, doubt, and a lack of self-worth, it becomes even more destructive.
I spent a handful of months this year wrestling with this matter of a synthetic Chord being "too good" for me to relate to. I worried for a long time that he would feel less like an extension of myself or avatar and more like "just another character". By the time I was able to break out of that line of thinking, my perfectionist tendencies had come to roost along with my other mental issues. Being a synth stopped being too good-- it wasn't good enough. I kept asking myself the same questions over and over because the answers I could conjure were never adequate.
Synths are machines, meaning they need to be maintained and repaired and have parts replaced. They either need to charge their batteries or possess some sort of an internal reactor providing constant power. Parts wear down without some sort of input of raw materials and there needs to be a delivery system through which those materials are used to repair damages. Nanomachines are a common solution people come up with for this, with some synth characters being entirely made of nanomachines. But nanomachines, like any synthetic component, would be horrifically expensive. And what happens when an EMP hits? Does the character just fall into a pile of dead microscopic robots? Most people, I think, can ignore such questions because they don't matter. But I can't. It's a part of who I am to ask these questions and get upset when there's no answers. I hate, hate, HATE it but I can't get rid of it. It's like a cancer in the back of my head.
Before I continue, I wish to point out that perfectionism has a sort of symptom or sister-issue: indecision. For someone like me, the constant struggle to find the ideal or "correct" solution to a predicament leaves me indecisive, constantly darting between ideas and making pro/con lists and comparisons and blaaaaaaahhhh. It's so bad that it even impairs my ability to go shopping. The counselor says ADHD can cause or worsen perfectionism and indecision. But anyways...
If my train of thought seems disorganized and this is difficult to read, well, welcome to my world. I used to be much more articulate and organized, I swear.
Being a synth was a no-go. As much as I loved and idealized this concept of being an immortal machine free of this gross flesh prison I dwell in, the fact is there were all these problems that I couldn't ignore or answer. Synths are, realistically, expensive. They are made of parts, like organics, and these parts require maintenance, repairs, replacements...
So I experimented with other ideas. One was to be just "magical" but, to be honest, I'm not overly fond of magic. Psi-powers in Sci-Fi settings are at least intended to be somewhat explainable and grounded in reality, whereas magic is often meant to be something totally different and operate on different principles. Point is, being magical didn't work because it had its own problems, even if the problems were only there because I'm so oddly specific about things. I even considered being a plant-based life form like the Relayes in my own Sci-Fi setting. What a twist that would have been! The creator of this fictional race having his fursona be one. As neat as they are, though, they weren't meant to be the perfect fit for me. I also had an idea about being some sort of shape-shifting gooey mass, not unlike the idea of being a synth made of nanomachines (which is something pretty much all of my friends kept pestering me about) but apart from nanomachines being tiny robots that can break and fail or be EMP'd, I just didn't like the thought of not being committed to a specific... thing.
We now arrive at the present day. If anyone has actually bothered to read this far, then you have my pity: you clearly have too much time on your hands. In all seriousness, though, it has been about a year since this issue started and I've been fed up with it. After countless hours of mulling over ideas and making pro/con lists and diagrams and such, I've decided to do that thing I hate doing and compromise.
I'm trying to commit to the shape-shifting goo fur idea because I've come to acknowledge the fact that I'll never be satisfied with a given idea because none of them can meet all of the criteria I have to be happy. So the goo idea, while not as desirable as being a synth, will allow me to meet all the criteria one way or another. I just need to iron out the details. I should add that I'm not overly fond of goo stuff. I mean, I like it a little, sure, but I'm more of a robots kind of guy. Strength in steel and all that. But for Chord, for my fursona, it just wasn't in the cards. This will at least let me have all the things I want so I'll have to learn to enjoy it. The alternative would be to waste more time trying to find a more "perfect" solution. Maybe it's possible but it's not possible for me, at least. I've spent a year trying to come up with something better and my friends have all broke their brains trying to understand the convoluted mess of idiosyncrasies that I live with.
I just hope I can actually make this happen. I can't spend another year stuck like this.
As it has been said in previous journals, I've been struggling with the design for my fursona, Chord Bloomfield. But I never really went into detail about it. Not publicly, at least.
For many years, I've had a sort of body dysphoria but being a furry online was a means of covering up the issue and not being bothered. This is more or less reflected in how I would draw Chord over the past decade: he was a white wolf (though originally he was solid gray with white hair) and missing an eye. Originally, the eye thing was just because I thought it was cool but, over time, it came to represent my general lack of perception of reality-- like I had lost some of that ability when I got more heavily into escapism either as a consequence of or a cause of my growing instability. Whatever the case, as time went on, I became more cynical and bitter towards life and this became apparent with how Chord looked and was portrayed. Even going back several years you can see that he was often dour or grim, though this trend became ever more normal. This bitterness also started to manifest with a growing restlessness with my body.
Playing games that allowed me to be something more than human were a source of respite as well as envy. I remember playing a Star Wars TTRPG with my old in-the-flesh friends and I heavily favored playing as droids. They were immortal, removed from human needs, and highly adaptable so long as you could pay for the right equipment to be installed. However, it wasn't until about a year ago where I was really "set off". I got into playing Space Station 13 as a synth or android and, for once, I got to see Chord as one. I got to experience, through this medium, being free from the weakness of my flesh. And I thought to myself, "Why not make this a real thing?"
The story should have ended there but perfectionism is a hell of a compulsion. And when combined with cynicism, bitterness, doubt, and a lack of self-worth, it becomes even more destructive.
I spent a handful of months this year wrestling with this matter of a synthetic Chord being "too good" for me to relate to. I worried for a long time that he would feel less like an extension of myself or avatar and more like "just another character". By the time I was able to break out of that line of thinking, my perfectionist tendencies had come to roost along with my other mental issues. Being a synth stopped being too good-- it wasn't good enough. I kept asking myself the same questions over and over because the answers I could conjure were never adequate.
Synths are machines, meaning they need to be maintained and repaired and have parts replaced. They either need to charge their batteries or possess some sort of an internal reactor providing constant power. Parts wear down without some sort of input of raw materials and there needs to be a delivery system through which those materials are used to repair damages. Nanomachines are a common solution people come up with for this, with some synth characters being entirely made of nanomachines. But nanomachines, like any synthetic component, would be horrifically expensive. And what happens when an EMP hits? Does the character just fall into a pile of dead microscopic robots? Most people, I think, can ignore such questions because they don't matter. But I can't. It's a part of who I am to ask these questions and get upset when there's no answers. I hate, hate, HATE it but I can't get rid of it. It's like a cancer in the back of my head.
Before I continue, I wish to point out that perfectionism has a sort of symptom or sister-issue: indecision. For someone like me, the constant struggle to find the ideal or "correct" solution to a predicament leaves me indecisive, constantly darting between ideas and making pro/con lists and comparisons and blaaaaaaahhhh. It's so bad that it even impairs my ability to go shopping. The counselor says ADHD can cause or worsen perfectionism and indecision. But anyways...
If my train of thought seems disorganized and this is difficult to read, well, welcome to my world. I used to be much more articulate and organized, I swear.
Being a synth was a no-go. As much as I loved and idealized this concept of being an immortal machine free of this gross flesh prison I dwell in, the fact is there were all these problems that I couldn't ignore or answer. Synths are, realistically, expensive. They are made of parts, like organics, and these parts require maintenance, repairs, replacements...
So I experimented with other ideas. One was to be just "magical" but, to be honest, I'm not overly fond of magic. Psi-powers in Sci-Fi settings are at least intended to be somewhat explainable and grounded in reality, whereas magic is often meant to be something totally different and operate on different principles. Point is, being magical didn't work because it had its own problems, even if the problems were only there because I'm so oddly specific about things. I even considered being a plant-based life form like the Relayes in my own Sci-Fi setting. What a twist that would have been! The creator of this fictional race having his fursona be one. As neat as they are, though, they weren't meant to be the perfect fit for me. I also had an idea about being some sort of shape-shifting gooey mass, not unlike the idea of being a synth made of nanomachines (which is something pretty much all of my friends kept pestering me about) but apart from nanomachines being tiny robots that can break and fail or be EMP'd, I just didn't like the thought of not being committed to a specific... thing.
We now arrive at the present day. If anyone has actually bothered to read this far, then you have my pity: you clearly have too much time on your hands. In all seriousness, though, it has been about a year since this issue started and I've been fed up with it. After countless hours of mulling over ideas and making pro/con lists and diagrams and such, I've decided to do that thing I hate doing and compromise.
I'm trying to commit to the shape-shifting goo fur idea because I've come to acknowledge the fact that I'll never be satisfied with a given idea because none of them can meet all of the criteria I have to be happy. So the goo idea, while not as desirable as being a synth, will allow me to meet all the criteria one way or another. I just need to iron out the details. I should add that I'm not overly fond of goo stuff. I mean, I like it a little, sure, but I'm more of a robots kind of guy. Strength in steel and all that. But for Chord, for my fursona, it just wasn't in the cards. This will at least let me have all the things I want so I'll have to learn to enjoy it. The alternative would be to waste more time trying to find a more "perfect" solution. Maybe it's possible but it's not possible for me, at least. I've spent a year trying to come up with something better and my friends have all broke their brains trying to understand the convoluted mess of idiosyncrasies that I live with.
I just hope I can actually make this happen. I can't spend another year stuck like this.
Common to the ideas posited in Transhumanism is the idea of reaching a point, technologically, where the upload of minds into a digital (yet fully functional!) format becomes commonplace, and, thus, no more expensive than a perhaps lengthy recording session (0.5 - 1 hour). In addition, with advanced bioprinting, as well as 3D printing tech reaching the molecular level, manufacturing of bodies, whether synthetic, biological, or a combination of the two are cheap, easy, and commonplace.
When one juxtaposes this technology, along with things such as direct neural interface, one can perform, on a simple, regular basis, via wireless connections, incremental uploads daily (or even multiple times per day) after the initial recording is made. In the event of bodyloss (death doesn't work here due to the idea of death being permanent and irreversible), the most recent backup is downloaded into a ready-made body kept available for a small fee by a medical insurance company. Logically, one pays into this insurance, or, in post-scarcity level societies the service is free and considered humanitarian.
There are a number of advantages to this tech, not the least of which is the possibility of having bodies on hand, and of those bodies varying wildly in terms of design and structure. While there are other, fairly obvious applications (multiple "you's" being networked and sharing, etc.), the ideal situation here is a form of digital immortality. Note also above I make mention of the recording itself being able to be made fully operating and functional in a digital space - this allows one to exist in an infomorph form - digital life, living at the speed of whatever substrate it's hosted upon, on a virtual world of nigh-infinite complexity, and to, via this, interface with the real physical world.
I don't know if any of this would possibly be of some service to you, or if I'm simply throwing information at you in a manner which might or might not make sense. Hopefully, though, my blatherings about Transhumanism will be received in at the least an inspirational manner.
Yours in hope and care,
Mika Kyubi
Kitsune-at-Large
(oft times very large)
One of the main issues I encountered with the idea was the need for technology within the context of the "setting," if such a thing ought to exist for a fursona, to be so advanced that I could suspend my disbelief well enough to accept having a synthetic body that has this digital immortality without needing to be a billionaire or something. I had explored possibilities of remedying this such as through loans or being some sort of experiment but the more story elements I am forced to adopt for this avatar, the less I want to do with it. Chord is supposed to be, at least to some degree, an extension of myself. Me, really, or what I wish I could be, perhaps. I'm not sure.
It's been a year. I've gotten pretty raggedy and scatter-brained from the constant banging my head against the wall. I'm sorry if I'm not articulating things well.
Just ideas. I'm sure you've already though of this stuff
I've mostly been indecisive. I *have* ideas but they all have some serious give-and-take and I never managed that well enough. It was only recently that I learned this may be due to ADHD, at least in part. I've made diagrams, lists, tables, all sorts of things to try and organize the details for each idea to compare them and split hairs. At the end of the day, however, I may need to just flip a coin or pick one and commit to it.
Well, the beauty of fiction is you can always make adjustments. So don't worry about making a wrong choice.