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State of the Sh!tshow Address #3
3 years ago
Welp... I'm tempted to just say "fuck me" and leave it at that but I'll elaborate. I'm abridging this a bit because some of this has been hashed and rehashed and rerehashed which can all be found scattered throughout my journals. →
Roughly a decade ago, I bought a condo and got NIMBY'd out of it by homophobes. At that point, I had no choice but to move back in with my mother. Some years later, my mother and my partner would be diagnosed with stage 4 cancer within a week of each other. My mother died earlier this year on March 3rd. My partner's cancer is a little more survivable... in theory. I was my mother's primary caregiver up until the end and I've been taking care of my partner as well.
My failure to launch made my mother think it would be a great idea to dump my sister, BIL, and their young child into my lap for a lack of other options. No homes will take them because they are married and have a child. No one else in my family has stepped forward to take them either because they can't or don't want to. I had already been partially responsible for them anyway so I knew the ins and outs and my mother saw this as a "big" advantage since anyone who isn't familiar with the trio would have NO IDEA what they were getting themselves into.
Thus, for the last half year, I have been taking care of:
• My sister, a developmentally delayed sociopath and quite possibly the laziest human being you will ever hear of. She once brutally murdered my cat, killed a bird out of negligence, falsely accused several men of rape, stole thousands of dollars from my mother and I even though she knew it was wrong and explicitly said she DGAF, and she once tried to poison me to death because I yelled at her for having absolutely repulsive bathroom hygiene. She decided that changing a diaper once or twice a day is less work than potty training her child. She, more than once, wished her husband dead so she could get rid of her child because "it's too much work". I understand that she cannot help being the way she is but that doesn't make her any easier to deal with.
• Baby. A rocket-powered 4yo who is missing every single one of her developmental milestones in large part because her mother isn't making any effort to engage, interact with, or raise her. On an average day, the baby would do such things as throw dirty kitty litter allover the garage, rip up important mail allover the house, throw clothes allover the floor, flush things down the toilet, color on the walls, break things, shit her diaper and fingerpaint with it, and on and on and on and on. Meanwhile, my sister would be sitting on her lazy ass somewhere, not doing anything about any of this, sexting some Korean boyfriendo and sending him SSDI money behind her ill, bed-ridden husband's back.
• My BIL. BIL is generally a good boy and was a HUGE help but a few months after my mother died, he got bitchslapped upside the head with a diagnosis of SUPER CANCER!
I cannot overstate how difficult this situation was. Taking care of my sister, BIL, and the baby was in and of itself, a full-time job. No joke. Literally every day was dedicated to taking care of them. Between driving them to appointments, driving the baby to and from her special needs school, grocery shopping, impromptu trips to and from the hospital, chores, errands, etc etc, there was almost no time for me to get any of my actual work done. Basically, the whole shitshow became entirely financially dependent on my stepfather who was working 80hr+ weeks at a job he hates to keep this mess afloat.
As all this shit was festering, my partner's health took a turn for the worse. Despite having confirmed diagnoses of lupus, pernicious anemia, chronic pain, WPWS, POTS, and stage-4 cancer, among other things, she was actually fairly helpful. She could still drive, run some of the errands for me here and there, cook dinner, and such. That might not sound like much but on some days, the help she provided was literally the only thing that kept me from going completely over the edge and drinking a Draino smoothie. WELP, earlier this year, she got a confirmed diagnosis of narcolepsy on top of everything else and the state yoinked her license. (Somehow, after all that, she's still only eligible for partial disability.)
So my stepfather and I were basically carrying this entire situation alone with no help. I don't know how bad inflation is where you are but in my area, previously $200 or $300 grocery bills ballooned to $500. At that point, we had to insist my sister be responsible with her money and contribute to the groceries and whatnot. No more Korean boyfriendos. We also insisted that she help clean the house which her child was destroying. I mean that word literally. The house was becoming an actual trash dump because I couldn't keep on top of everything by myself and my stepfather certainly couldn't after working 12hr days for weeks on end, sometimes more than 12hrs, and sometimes having to commute for hours.
Instead of helping out with cleaning and being more responsible with her money, my sister chose violence.
One night, a relative of my BIL's called us up screaming that my stepfather, my partner, and I are horrible monsters. "Screaming" might be a bit of an understatement since it was more like... "unleashed a verbal Niagara Falls of vitriol and accusations for ten minutes straight without stopping for air until we hung up on her loud, stupid ass." My sister apparently told the relative that we were stealing their money, abusing them, and neglecting them and because said relative is only a few IQ points smarter than a potted plant, she believed this without question. Not long after that, this ratchet-ass wildebitch appeared on our porch with a pair of police officers who "escorted the trio to safety." None of these fools seemed to notice how enthusiastic we were about helping them move out. When an officer asked us if it was okay that they were taking the trio away, my stepfather and I nearly burst into laughter.
A month has passed since they moved out and it has been fucking amazing. My stepfather and I both feel like we were just let off a life sentence. After decades of low-key torture and indentured servitude, we're free. We can sleep without being woken up by screaming and yelling. We're working on cleaning and repairing the house. I don't have to spend all day chauffeuring people around. Our grocery bills are a fifth of what they were. I have a clean, organized bathroom now. There has been not one single fight. No yelling matches. No controversy. I have been catching up on 6mo-worth of backlog. I'm not stress eating anywhere near as much as I was and I'm losing weight. I've been having fewer migraines and when I do get one, if I need to take a nap, I can take a fucking nap without having to worry about being screamed awake. My stepfather has been taking days off every now and again. I dare say things have been almost idyllic. At least compared to what they were.
If you've been following the Shitshow for any length of time, you know what's coming next.....
My partner estimated that it would be a week before the trio wore out their welcome. My stepfather said a week to two weeks. I guessed it would be one to three months. I know how my sister works. She played the victim. She turned on the crocodile tears (she can make herself cry on command). She's a superb liar and deeply manipulative. People are well-aware of this fact and yet they still often believe her because she's that damn good. So I imagined that she would start out on her best behavior. Helpful, obsequious, manipulating. Then eventually, she would do what she does and after about a month, BIL's relative would begin to realize what she had gotten herself into.
The trio haven't been kicked out yet but my sister admitted that the relative is getting tired of their shit. Shocker. My stepfather has made it abundantly clear they are not welcome back here. So what happens to them after that? I don't know. They might end up on the street. And people are looking at me like I'm supposed to do something about this because I promised my mother on her deathbed that I would take care of them. Thing is, I really don't know what to do.
"Buy them a trailer!" is a common response but they cannot own property or they'll lose their benefits. So if I buy them property, it has to be in my name which means I'm on the hook for it. I'd have to find a park that allows subletting. Many don't. If the trailer ended up on its own lot, I'd be responsible for the property taxes as I don't think what little aid they're eligible for covers that. It specifically only covers 70% (up to 500$) of rent and only within the Tricounty area. I'd also possibly be on the hook for their utilities. So I'd have to charge them rent and basically take over their finances and become their payee and manage alllllll of that bullshit which, frankly, no goddamned fucking thanks.
Moreover, they are incredibly destructive and it's not just the baby. My sister destroyed a bathroom and a huge swath of ceiling by taking daily scalding hot 45 minute-long showers and baths and getting water allover the floor. The repairs have cost us thousands and that patch of ceiling is still fucked. She also threw trash allover, some of which has gotten into radiators and melted. She left food messes allover which brought in mice, rats, and insects. BIL wasn't entirely without guilt there either as he would leave bags of chips laying around on the floor. All of them often left dirty dishes laying around allover and none of them clean unless you yell at them to... a lot. A lot of yelling. Constantly. If you asked me to bag every item of clothing I own, it would probably be three or four large trashbags, tops. My sister had twenty. Just for HER clothes. She's basically a hoarder and she would turn a trailer into an actual trash dump. Trailers already have a short lifespan so once they destroyed it, what then? I'm out all that money and what do I have to show for it? All that would accomplish is kicking the can a few years down the road and wasting stupid amounts of money.
People are looking to me to do something about this situation and I just don't know what to do. There are no good answers. Every single possibility has some huge drawback or catch or fatal flaw. You might be thinking "well it's not your problem anymore. Now they are in the care of another relative." But if they end up on the street, everyone will be looking at me like I dropped the ball because at the end of the day, they are developmentally delayed. Basically permanent children. And the responsibility of caring for them was handed to me.
In the midst of all this, right when we thought we had caught the break of a fucking century....
It appears that my partner is going blind. We don't have any confirmed diagnoses yet, only some vague ideas based on the experiences of family members who've had similar issues. Several of her relatives have gone blind in one eye. A grandniece is expected to be fully blind by her teenage years and is currently undergoing some kind of extraordinarily expensive experimental treatment for it. The issue appears to be genetic. It may be Usher's syndrome, congenital glaucoma, retinitus pigmentosa, or something along those lines. We have an appointment coming up soon to find out.
Ironically, she thinks I'm having a harder time adjusting to this new reality than she is. Maybe she's right. I'm just so tired. It's been one goddamned thing after the other. There's always another shoe.
So yeah. That's the state of the shitshow. If you're wondering why my art has been so stop-and-go these past few years, that's why.
Roughly a decade ago, I bought a condo and got NIMBY'd out of it by homophobes. At that point, I had no choice but to move back in with my mother. Some years later, my mother and my partner would be diagnosed with stage 4 cancer within a week of each other. My mother died earlier this year on March 3rd. My partner's cancer is a little more survivable... in theory. I was my mother's primary caregiver up until the end and I've been taking care of my partner as well.
My failure to launch made my mother think it would be a great idea to dump my sister, BIL, and their young child into my lap for a lack of other options. No homes will take them because they are married and have a child. No one else in my family has stepped forward to take them either because they can't or don't want to. I had already been partially responsible for them anyway so I knew the ins and outs and my mother saw this as a "big" advantage since anyone who isn't familiar with the trio would have NO IDEA what they were getting themselves into.
Thus, for the last half year, I have been taking care of:
• My sister, a developmentally delayed sociopath and quite possibly the laziest human being you will ever hear of. She once brutally murdered my cat, killed a bird out of negligence, falsely accused several men of rape, stole thousands of dollars from my mother and I even though she knew it was wrong and explicitly said she DGAF, and she once tried to poison me to death because I yelled at her for having absolutely repulsive bathroom hygiene. She decided that changing a diaper once or twice a day is less work than potty training her child. She, more than once, wished her husband dead so she could get rid of her child because "it's too much work". I understand that she cannot help being the way she is but that doesn't make her any easier to deal with.
• Baby. A rocket-powered 4yo who is missing every single one of her developmental milestones in large part because her mother isn't making any effort to engage, interact with, or raise her. On an average day, the baby would do such things as throw dirty kitty litter allover the garage, rip up important mail allover the house, throw clothes allover the floor, flush things down the toilet, color on the walls, break things, shit her diaper and fingerpaint with it, and on and on and on and on. Meanwhile, my sister would be sitting on her lazy ass somewhere, not doing anything about any of this, sexting some Korean boyfriendo and sending him SSDI money behind her ill, bed-ridden husband's back.
• My BIL. BIL is generally a good boy and was a HUGE help but a few months after my mother died, he got bitchslapped upside the head with a diagnosis of SUPER CANCER!
I cannot overstate how difficult this situation was. Taking care of my sister, BIL, and the baby was in and of itself, a full-time job. No joke. Literally every day was dedicated to taking care of them. Between driving them to appointments, driving the baby to and from her special needs school, grocery shopping, impromptu trips to and from the hospital, chores, errands, etc etc, there was almost no time for me to get any of my actual work done. Basically, the whole shitshow became entirely financially dependent on my stepfather who was working 80hr+ weeks at a job he hates to keep this mess afloat.
As all this shit was festering, my partner's health took a turn for the worse. Despite having confirmed diagnoses of lupus, pernicious anemia, chronic pain, WPWS, POTS, and stage-4 cancer, among other things, she was actually fairly helpful. She could still drive, run some of the errands for me here and there, cook dinner, and such. That might not sound like much but on some days, the help she provided was literally the only thing that kept me from going completely over the edge and drinking a Draino smoothie. WELP, earlier this year, she got a confirmed diagnosis of narcolepsy on top of everything else and the state yoinked her license. (Somehow, after all that, she's still only eligible for partial disability.)
So my stepfather and I were basically carrying this entire situation alone with no help. I don't know how bad inflation is where you are but in my area, previously $200 or $300 grocery bills ballooned to $500. At that point, we had to insist my sister be responsible with her money and contribute to the groceries and whatnot. No more Korean boyfriendos. We also insisted that she help clean the house which her child was destroying. I mean that word literally. The house was becoming an actual trash dump because I couldn't keep on top of everything by myself and my stepfather certainly couldn't after working 12hr days for weeks on end, sometimes more than 12hrs, and sometimes having to commute for hours.
Instead of helping out with cleaning and being more responsible with her money, my sister chose violence.
One night, a relative of my BIL's called us up screaming that my stepfather, my partner, and I are horrible monsters. "Screaming" might be a bit of an understatement since it was more like... "unleashed a verbal Niagara Falls of vitriol and accusations for ten minutes straight without stopping for air until we hung up on her loud, stupid ass." My sister apparently told the relative that we were stealing their money, abusing them, and neglecting them and because said relative is only a few IQ points smarter than a potted plant, she believed this without question. Not long after that, this ratchet-ass wildebitch appeared on our porch with a pair of police officers who "escorted the trio to safety." None of these fools seemed to notice how enthusiastic we were about helping them move out. When an officer asked us if it was okay that they were taking the trio away, my stepfather and I nearly burst into laughter.
A month has passed since they moved out and it has been fucking amazing. My stepfather and I both feel like we were just let off a life sentence. After decades of low-key torture and indentured servitude, we're free. We can sleep without being woken up by screaming and yelling. We're working on cleaning and repairing the house. I don't have to spend all day chauffeuring people around. Our grocery bills are a fifth of what they were. I have a clean, organized bathroom now. There has been not one single fight. No yelling matches. No controversy. I have been catching up on 6mo-worth of backlog. I'm not stress eating anywhere near as much as I was and I'm losing weight. I've been having fewer migraines and when I do get one, if I need to take a nap, I can take a fucking nap without having to worry about being screamed awake. My stepfather has been taking days off every now and again. I dare say things have been almost idyllic. At least compared to what they were.
If you've been following the Shitshow for any length of time, you know what's coming next.....
My partner estimated that it would be a week before the trio wore out their welcome. My stepfather said a week to two weeks. I guessed it would be one to three months. I know how my sister works. She played the victim. She turned on the crocodile tears (she can make herself cry on command). She's a superb liar and deeply manipulative. People are well-aware of this fact and yet they still often believe her because she's that damn good. So I imagined that she would start out on her best behavior. Helpful, obsequious, manipulating. Then eventually, she would do what she does and after about a month, BIL's relative would begin to realize what she had gotten herself into.
The trio haven't been kicked out yet but my sister admitted that the relative is getting tired of their shit. Shocker. My stepfather has made it abundantly clear they are not welcome back here. So what happens to them after that? I don't know. They might end up on the street. And people are looking at me like I'm supposed to do something about this because I promised my mother on her deathbed that I would take care of them. Thing is, I really don't know what to do.
"Buy them a trailer!" is a common response but they cannot own property or they'll lose their benefits. So if I buy them property, it has to be in my name which means I'm on the hook for it. I'd have to find a park that allows subletting. Many don't. If the trailer ended up on its own lot, I'd be responsible for the property taxes as I don't think what little aid they're eligible for covers that. It specifically only covers 70% (up to 500$) of rent and only within the Tricounty area. I'd also possibly be on the hook for their utilities. So I'd have to charge them rent and basically take over their finances and become their payee and manage alllllll of that bullshit which, frankly, no goddamned fucking thanks.
Moreover, they are incredibly destructive and it's not just the baby. My sister destroyed a bathroom and a huge swath of ceiling by taking daily scalding hot 45 minute-long showers and baths and getting water allover the floor. The repairs have cost us thousands and that patch of ceiling is still fucked. She also threw trash allover, some of which has gotten into radiators and melted. She left food messes allover which brought in mice, rats, and insects. BIL wasn't entirely without guilt there either as he would leave bags of chips laying around on the floor. All of them often left dirty dishes laying around allover and none of them clean unless you yell at them to... a lot. A lot of yelling. Constantly. If you asked me to bag every item of clothing I own, it would probably be three or four large trashbags, tops. My sister had twenty. Just for HER clothes. She's basically a hoarder and she would turn a trailer into an actual trash dump. Trailers already have a short lifespan so once they destroyed it, what then? I'm out all that money and what do I have to show for it? All that would accomplish is kicking the can a few years down the road and wasting stupid amounts of money.
People are looking to me to do something about this situation and I just don't know what to do. There are no good answers. Every single possibility has some huge drawback or catch or fatal flaw. You might be thinking "well it's not your problem anymore. Now they are in the care of another relative." But if they end up on the street, everyone will be looking at me like I dropped the ball because at the end of the day, they are developmentally delayed. Basically permanent children. And the responsibility of caring for them was handed to me.
In the midst of all this, right when we thought we had caught the break of a fucking century....
It appears that my partner is going blind. We don't have any confirmed diagnoses yet, only some vague ideas based on the experiences of family members who've had similar issues. Several of her relatives have gone blind in one eye. A grandniece is expected to be fully blind by her teenage years and is currently undergoing some kind of extraordinarily expensive experimental treatment for it. The issue appears to be genetic. It may be Usher's syndrome, congenital glaucoma, retinitus pigmentosa, or something along those lines. We have an appointment coming up soon to find out.
Ironically, she thinks I'm having a harder time adjusting to this new reality than she is. Maybe she's right. I'm just so tired. It's been one goddamned thing after the other. There's always another shoe.
So yeah. That's the state of the shitshow. If you're wondering why my art has been so stop-and-go these past few years, that's why.
You must have nerves of steel and a will of iron, plus the patience of multiple saints..
As for killing my cat, she did it in such a way that it could have been an "oops" even though anyone who knows her knows it wasn't.
As long as the insurance ( or SOME form of payment is happening ) the institution will fight tooth and nail to keep them. Once the money spigot is turned off however . . . .
. . . Maximum Benefit reached . . . out you go.
Sometimes there is not right decision, not even relatively good decision. Sometimes only thing you can do is face the consequences of what is less harm.
I wouldn't blame you one bit for saving yourself by letting others destroy themselves by their own actions. It's a terrible reality but if the choice is between 3 people living on the street and 5 people living on the street, then there is a clear winner.
Just don't lose your compassion over this, you might not be able to help everyone but you can still be a nice, kind person to others, even if occasionally you have to say "I can't help you, I have to help myself first".
Put yourself and your partner first, you're very likely going to regret it if you don't.
Then if necessary, drop the ball. It shouldn't be your problem in the first place. You deserve a life as well. You're too awesome not to. Like genuinely, all of my admiration goes out to you for keeping up with all of this. Put that to work on something that's worth your time.
They are not your problem, they are not yours to deal with.
If you have to, I'd suggest finding a therapist you can potentially afford and start seeing them to get some help identifying how to set boundaries and manage the guilt. You need to live your life free of a burden that was basically forced upon you.
Agree, and also know how hard it can be to NOT let people we're supposed to love/support take advantage of that. It's diabolically evil...
hell all of that is irrelevant, she's at that point where she'll just spin anything in her favor and even kill people to get her way. you literally can't do anything but defend yourself with people like that, she needs help beyond what you can give her
at this point you should only worry about you and your partner/close family's safety and needs. you have plenty enough on your shoulders and you should not feel guilty for this situation at all. your mother tried (what she thought) was best with her, but it was wrong for her to put that responsibility onto you to begin with.
you went above and beyond and did your best, if she refuses to help herself, especially to such an extreme degree, then there's not much you can do to help her, she'll just keep doing what she's doing and her behavior will get worse. it takes miracles and a half to change selfishness on that level.
if anyone judges you for sticking up for yourself, id love to see how long they'd last housing them. they'd be eating their words fast (assuming they wouldnt try ANYTHING to get out of it to begin with)
i just implore you to ignore that guilt-tripping. you don't deserve that at all, especially when it might cost your life. they have no leg to judge you on.
really hope things turn out much better for you, wishing the best
take care of yourself and your partner, that will always come first and anyone that says otherwise can fuck off
Given what your sister's like and tried to do, the best places for her, in order, seem to be:
1. Mental institution where she can get help and society is protected from her.
2. Jail/Prison where most of society is protected from her for a while, though it likely won't do her much good.
3. Out on the street with nobody legally obligated to her wellbeing (She'll still be a menace to others, though, but have a higher chance of ending up 1/2/4.)
4. Out Back Behind the Shed with Old Yeller
5. With another relative
6. Back with you.
My suggestion is to keep the fuck away from your sister and everything and everyone to do with her. I feel kinda sorry for the kid, she's definitely not responsible for any of the shit going on, but frankly it sounds like you already have way more than enough stress and responsibility.
Yes, she may be developmentally delayed; she also sounds like an utterly toxic person who is danger to not only herself but to everyone around her. You've done enough to help her, I'd say.
Best of luck and well-wishes to your partner, too. She surely has been dealt a bad hand of cards healthwise.
You've already gone above and beyond. Enough with the manipulation and guilt-tripping! For the sake of your own peace and sanity, whatever you do, don't let these awful people back in the house with you. It's not like you don't already have more than enough to deal with without them.
It's really sad for people like this that our country can't provide at least a minimal level of care for everybody here, but this is clearly not your fault. I feel sorry for them, but your mom's wishes notwithstanding, they're not your responsibility. Dragging you down with them does none of you any good.
Best of luck!
One day, I took her out to give her a bath to get the blue stuff off her (because that cannot have been good for her to be licking off) and she just started MAULING me but not with claws and teeth, with head butts and purring! I mean she was just going bonkers! It was bizarre. I'd never seen anything like it. She was SO happy. I figured that was gonna stop real quick soon as I put the water on but nope. All the way through the bath, she was weaving around like a nut, purring and rubbing allover me, aggressively grabbing my hands. I toweled her off and she was still going. Eventually I left and she started howling morosely for me. My mother came in to see her and the affection spree continued.
She was just the most affectionate little weirdo. Very odd cat but very sweet. Beautiful too. Polydactyl calico with bright jade-teal eyes. And she was torn apart by dogs. My sister said it was "an accident" but everyone who knows her and knows the circumstances around that situation, knows it wasn't an accident.
Some years later, my sister got a Calico and named her Rose. I don't know if she did that out of spite or if she really is that lacking in self-awareness.
So yeah. Believe me. I get it. I really do.
I feel for you/yours in more ways than I can articulate.
Firstly, and FOREVER- It is not, nor was it, EVER, your/your partner's responsibility to provide for your sister, her partner/husband/beating-bag, and their child. Ever. You TRIED to help. That's all anyone can do. If THEY are unwilling to do a g-damned thing to help themselves, that alone removes all semblance of 'Responsibility/Duty' you had or thought you might have.
They're gone, never let them ooze their way back in. Ever. Enjoy that as much as possible!
Sadly, the poor health of your partner? Gotta take things one step at a time, deal with what you can and whatever's left over will just have to be taken up by the Fates. You certainly don't deserve any of it!
If Journaling here/IRL tomes helps you vent/unload some of the negativity, by all means, have at it! I and all those who follow you are here in all the ways we can to show our support/empathy/compassion.
(((Hugs))) again, if o.k..
Look at it this way. If you take that 'family' back, you will die. Poison, disease, violence, stress-induced cardiomyopathy; your guess is as good as mine, but you cannot survive that situation much longer. And then what will happen? Same situation, but you'll have suffered longer and never had the chance to live again.
It's okay to break with people who are willing to stand by and watch you break.
As for your partner (and your stepfather, and YOU), I wish you the best. And I hope you'll do what you have to in order to be able to cope with whatever comes next.
People like my uncle and your sister are a poison, and as heartless as it may sound it's better both for you and those around you if you cut them out of your life. You have more than enough on your plate as is. Your sister is clearly a danger to herself and to others and should be institutionalized and her daughter should be placed with someone that can actually care for her. We had to do this with some children of my cousin. She hooked up with someone she shouldn't have, got on drugs and the children had to be taken from her. My aunt had spent her life taking care of the children said cousin's mother couldn't, and she wasn't doing it any more, so it was best that the children were taken in by strangers. Better for them to have an entirely clean break from all the dysfunction.
IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO LOOK AFTER THEM.
Yes, you "promised" your mother you'd "look after them" but that didn't include being; yelled at, nearly killed, mentally, verbally, physiologically, spiritually, and physically abused on a day to day basis. It doesn't include having your home burn down because she refuses to understand you can't leave trash lying around, can't have such hot as hell baths/showers, and refuses to understand, she is a health hazard onto herself nevermind anyone else around her.
At worst, CPS will take the child if she ends up on the street. If they don't, again, as harsh as this sounds, not your problem. You have more than enough to deal with. Your partner being seriously ill being one such issue. Your stepfather being worked to the bone and heavens knows, more than likely needing a vacation to Hawaii.
That said. I understand. You think "fuck my life, I have to look after em cause I promised". Been there. Done that. Regretted it. It came to a head when my baby brother walked in on our mother naked and just stood there then had the gall to threaten her several days later. I can tell you, he wasn't long packing his bags and going back to Ontario when I got wind of it (out of our entire family, my brother is terrified of me cause I once knocked the shit out of him for him trying to kill my cat cause he got in shit for hurting me - ever since then, he's been scared of me).
You worry about you. Let your sister figure her shit out. Sink or swim. She'll have to choose what she decides to do. If this sounds harsh, it's not intended to be. I simply know there's no helping her if she keeps getting helped by others. Everytime she cries the blues, someone's helped her. Everytime she's lied and wither she's gotten caught or not, someone has still helped her. Perhaps if, for once, she's forced to figure shit out on her own, it'll do her some good (though I doubt it).
If you ever need someone to chat with, don't hesitate to ping me. Trust me. I know what ya going through in regards to your sister. It's annoying as fuck but end of the day, she's not your responsibility. Don't put more strain or stress on yourself than what you're already going through.
Worry bout those who matter most right now, such as your partner.
Many lights and blessings.
(Even better if you moved).
As for your partner, There are some really good eye specialists, unfortunate that the problem may be genetic, but better to catch it early, and find out the specifics.
I think it's long about time you do that.
I've been following you for a while. It amazes me that a single person can endure as much as you have and not go crazy.
I'd wish you luck, but I don't think you need it. I think you're much stronger than you think you are.
Well, I can tell you what I would do.
Change the locks.
And use the word "No" to its fullest and best effect when they come 'round begging.
I know that sounds hard, and heartless, but you have to do what it takes for your own sanity and well-being. Clearly you're not able to really help them: judging by how you describe it, you've been trying your damndest and things just stay bad or get worse. That's through no fault of your own; having to take care of other people is hard work, and in fact often highly skilled work, and frankly most people just don't have those skills because they're not professionals who've been trained to deal with these situations. You shouldn't be asked to put yourself into a position you've never been properly set up to succeed at. You shouldn't be trying to make yourself take it on out of some sense of guilt or whatever, either.
You're entitled to a life that's not miserable. Assert that right. Don't let people ruin it by burdening you with something you can't win at.
Not developmentally disabled, toxic. There is no excuse.
The only way you CAN help her is to let her face the consequences of her actions. Her child needs to be taken from her. She is NOT CAPABLE OF RAISING A CHILD. For the child's sake, they need to be taken from her. I am sorry to say this, but there is nothing you can do, and this is NOT your fault. You DID take care of her. You held up all your responsibilities and more. There is something wrong with HER.
You can't take care of a parasite and NOT die from it. And that is not your fault. You did everything your mother could have asked you to do-- and more.
This is a matter of survival. Cut her out of your life. She will NOT stop hurting you. There is something wrong with HER. Not YOU. Never forget that. Your mother wanted you to look out for her, not kill yourself for them. Your mother was not that cruel. She would not want you to light yourself on fire to give others warmth.
Frankly, no one can help your sister. She needs to see the consequences of her harm. That is the only way you can help her: learn to say "no" to her. She's a lost cause. And she will deliberately drag you down with her unless you cut yourself free.
As for your partner... Damn... Remind her that you love her. And show her your art. As much of it as you can while there is still time. Collaborate with her. Help her bring some of her own ideas to life. Share your talents and time with her, and let her know how wonderful she is.
I wish I could say more, DO more. But... How we face the hard times is how we are defined. You did all you could. If you try to do more, you will only hurt yourself. And what we do with the time we have is often the only choice we get to make. Cherish your loved ones, and cherish yourself.
Take care of the family you can, and remind your loved ones that you love them.
Yes, things are going to get worse. But they will also eventually get better, whether or not you make it that far. So make it as far as you can.
Make your loved ones smile, every chance you get. And whether the storm together as best you can.
I hope things get better for you all soon.
But ultimately, what happens to them from this point on is entirely of their own making. They not only made their bed, but they set it on fire, called the police to have them taken away from it, and are now proceeding to nuke the site from orbit.
The sad reality is that some people cannot or refuse to be helped, and trying to do so only drags us down with them. It's human nature to want to help and be kind, I feel, although some days I do wonder. But at the end of the day, we are all responsible to at least try to make the world a better place and to do our part, and if they're not even putting in the effort, they're not worth any more of your concern. They've had their shot, and they've burned every bridge to the point that even the ground is charred. I'd move on, satisfied you did what you had to do and take care of the people who actually are worth being taken care of.
Your mother and your partner got it first. Now your BIL has come down with cancer, too. How long had he lived in that house? Sounds like you wound up in a suburb of Love Canal, NY. My heart goes out to you, which won't buy you a cup of coffee, but there you are.
The only good thing that might come out of this fiasco (a strange little word based on the Italian for 'wine flask') is that you will be declared unfit to provide care for your sister and her family. In that case, I'll FedEx you a carton of tissues.
My mother likely acquired cancer as a consequence of being a pack-a-day smoker for 50y. She'd quit like ten years ago but too little, too late. BIL likely acquired as it runs in his family. IIRC, he has Parkinson's Leukemia? Or something like that. I never did get a clear answer because a relative was his medical proxy and this relative was kind of a dolt. One day he had three different kinds of cancer then the next day it's two then the next day it's something else. We do know he has cancer at least. He's been on chemo for the past few months and he seems to be doing better.
As for my partner, she was just simply fucked over by the unholy marriage of capitalism and healthcare. She acquired cancer as a consequence of the system telling her to go fuck herself.
I worked in insurance of different sorts for decades, but never health. Now I'm a senior citizen and even Medicare can't help my spine and knees. So yeah, absolutely. I have a favorite pair of scapegoats, but whenever I mention them people get very upset with me.
Really wish I could do more for you.
Definitely agree with a lot of the folks posting above. You've tried to do more than enough for them, and she threw it back in your face and demanded more.
You don't owe her anything at all. If anything, she owes you... BIG TIME!
You're a wonderful compassionate person who deserves MUCH better than this kind of treatment, and you've really put yourself out for them over the years.
But there's a line no-one should cross, and it sounds like she crossed that line so often she nearly rubbed it out!
You gotta look out for yourself now.
If I can ever help with that, just ask. Doesn't matter what it costs, just ask!
Do not let the clown show back in the house. (Or else next time you'll have to evict them and it will be much worse). They did you a huge favor by leaving. Your promise to your mother was well intentioned but do not let it obligate you to care for a trio of ingrates until the day you die, or they die, or you pour gasoline on them. You have already done as much as humanly possible. Wish them well, let them go, and don't give em any more money. Remember, sister thinks you are the monster. Yet you think you are still responsible for them. That's because you're a decent person, but don't be so decent it kills you.
*supportivecling*
You provided them with a home and shelter, and not only did they shit in on and around your home, but on your generosity as well.
Guilt is a powerful weapon wielded by abusive and toxic people. Don't use it on yourself.
You've been a better sister than she ever deserved, period, end sentence. Be proud that you tried for so damn long.
Take care of yourself and your partner for a while.
Let them be out on the street.
I loved my mother more than anything in my life. The day she died broke my ability to feel sadness. I just sat there, or stood looking at her body in the coffin and felt nothing. She wasn't there anymore. I tried my best to live as well as I could, and in the end, I was the only one to remain in that house we all grew up in with her. My other siblings conspired to have me thrown out in order to 'teach me what the world was like'. Shortly afterwards, she fell down alone at the house while having cancer and died from it.
I don't know what it feels like to have to break a promise to your mom that you made as you did. I don't know what's going to happen to your sister and BIL and their child. And I can already see that your relatives are a lot like my own; they expect you to handle everything that gets thrown at you, and just deal with it. As long as it's not them suffering, they're fine with chastising you over not being able to handle everything being thrown at you.
Fuck those guys. As much as I love my family, I also know there are some points I'm not even vaguely interested in their opinion on, and have no intention of acting on based on their opnions. If they don't like that you can't take care of your sister and her family with all else that's going on with you, then they're free to keep putting up with her indefinitely.
As for your sister and family? The only sad part there would be the child. You keep talking about her being a child mentally, yet at the same time she's an expert at acting, manipulating and so on. Which makes me think she's in YOUR head, making you THINK these things, when there's really nothing wrong with her, and she's been playing the role since it's getting her all kinds of free rides. If you had ever described her as being in any way innocent, or unable to manipulate her way into a good situation for herself, I would be wary of suggesting this, but you've only made it sound like if she were out on the street, she would do fine. So let her get out there. Maybe offer to help her get settled. Her child isn't benefiting from being with those two, so if they get sent someplace better, that's not a bad thing. And maybe BIL will snap out of it and get his ass more in gear to stop things from getting worse.
I can see you still care about your family enough to give a shit about their opinions and what they might be thinking about you if you don't pick a member up who's down on their luck. But they came to YOU and screamed on you for not doing what needed to be done, then TOOK HER AWAY TO TAKE CARE OF HER PROPERLY. That means they took that weight off your shoulders. You did all you could, and she not only spurned you, but then tried to accuse you of not doing the right thing. That to me says she doesn't want to come back, and more, you shouldn't LET her come back.
There is a very strong sensation of you being so used to being under that pressure and bearing that weight that you almost thing you deserve it. And you do not. Not at all. You deserve a break from all this bullshit, and this brief pause that has felt so good should be allowed to continue. It's not like there's nothing stressful in your life anymore; everyone deserves some time to rest, think and recover. So take what you've earned, such as it is.
FWIW, I'm sorry you had to go through that with your family. That sounds pretty damn terrible.
All my wishes, always
And thanks. It's nice to know there's someone thinking about me. I hope when that happens, you imagine a short, fat angry gremlin furiously shaking her fist at the universe. :D
Your future self will thank you for staying strong and not inviting hell back into your home. If your family would still blame you for not sacrificing the rest of your life for a crazy idiot then their opinion is not worth concerning yourself over.
In any case, thanks. ♥
At this point, you have taken care of them. They removed themselves from that care- it's not your problem anymore. I know that's easier said than done, though. If you find out they're on the streets, I'd say have someone you trust leave an anonymous tip for CPS about it, if you can, but you've gone waaaaaaaaay above and beyond any obligation to take care of them. Your sister literally tried to kill you, you don't owe her shit.
The thing about my sister is that there's always this tug-of-war going on in my mind. On one hand, she has been a life-long nightmare. On the other hand, it's not entirely her fault she is the way she is. No one wakes up and decides to be a mentally challenged sociopath. I don't wish any ill on her despite everything. What I wish, more than anything, is that stupid amounts of money would fall out of the sky so I could get her set up in a way that I'd never have to worry about anything related to her again. Never even have to think about it. That would be nice.
I would in no uncertain terms NEVER welcome Your sister or her child back into your home. The child needs serious help and your sister is beyond help.
Honestly, if I were you I would go to the length of legally disowning them from your family and get a restraining order if possible from your ex-sister.
I feel most sorry for the baby. She deserves better.
And frankly, I don't know how the fuck CPS hasn't stepped in yet. I would have thought one of her teachers or SOMEONE would make that call. I regret not doing it myself. I feel like an idiot. I should have. But I did not want to see her dragged out of the house by strangers and I thought that so long as I was here to intervene, it would be okay. Alas, it's out of my hands now. :\
If I'm wrong and there is a god, I hope he's looking over that poor child.
Again though, definitely never let your sister back into your home. Feel the need to reinforce that opinion. You've nothing to feel guilty over given her behavior.
In retrospect, I feel I should probably have called CPS but I was never really sure where that line was and I figured surely, if it was necessary, one of her teachers would make that call. I don't know. I'll never know. It's out of my hands now. I worry for that kid. I don't think she's going to have a good life. I tried. I really did.
but it is my no way as bad as your situation was! despite mom being cranky and often letting things out on me, we still can cope somehow, though in times it's hard not to yell back at her because she started somethign about something diminutive.
anyway. from your story I gather if your sister moved back in with you she'll destroy you, and your family, and fail to feel sorry. maybe she's mentrally underdeveloped, but not as much as one would think from your description. it feels like she knows what she's doing... nope, let her end up on the street, there she can throw shit around all day if she wants, and other homeless might just dump her in a river. and make sure authorities get that child away from her; she doesn't deserve to live with such a "mom". sister might not care either, didn't she say she doesn't want to care of her daughter? also the kid might end up being like her mom, and nobody deserves that. (I feel for BIL, sounds like he hasn't the strength to fight back. but who knows, she might poison him, and he poisons her back because that was the drop that sunk his ship?)
if she does manage to go back to your house to be let in, await her with a brandnew, freshly polished shovel in your hand, a nice bow around the handle, and her name written on the blade... and then use it.
-dig a hole
-kick her in
-shit until she's fully covered
-sow grass
-put cows on it.
You've done so much more than above and beyond for the lot of them and all she's going to do is bring you down as cynically and thanklessly used until it runs out. It sucks watching as an innocent life like her kid is failed that way on account of a parent's utter incompetence. But this isn't a life you're going to fix. There's only so much you that you can give in trying, and you know there's only one direction for this situation if she's in any way involved in your life.
There's plenty of shitty people out there, as I'm sure you've met more than your handful. At some point they were or presently still are someone's family by relation, but if they're shitty to you and shitty to their family members, I'm sure a good few of those family members have closed them out to protect themselves. You've more than given her a hell of a chance and had it thrown back in your face every time, she's gone now and good luck to her.
You have other problems to focus on now without her driving you insane, and anybody who gives you shit for cutting her out can try housing her for a bit because clearly they haven't yet.
So the fact you had the patient to finish your art while still going through all the bullshit that happens to you. shows you´re willpower to go through life despite all the hurdles it throws at you.
I should know in 2020 I lost my job due to covid but on top of that I suffered a terrible bacteria that cause me horrible pain and discomfort in my gut area for nearly 8 months. it reacted worse with being anxious and stressed which you can imagine at the time wasn´t easy for me. the news of the pandemic didn´t make it better that´s for sure.
I could hardly eat or sleep that time it was so bad. I wanted to kill myself bacause I couldn´t take the pain anymore. but luckily through the willpower of Hope I kept on going and thankfully I´m doing much better for it. so here´s hoping your situation get better too eventually Godspeed little frog.
Since the trio have left my care, I have more free time, generally. Things are still difficult with my partner going blind but the situation feels a lot more survivable now. Maybe we can actually get through this.
And jeez.... I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that. That's rough.
my willpower reason that kept me going was to one day go to America. because I didn´t want to die knowing I didn´t get a chance to go the country that I am inspired the most too live. I still to this day didn´t get a chance to go there. but hopefully one day I finally will be there at last.
I didn´t want my situation to seem a bad as yours. because frankly I think yours is way worse than mine. because Jesus Christ I can´t imagine taking care of someone like your sister I´ve heard story of mentally disabled people going out of control of them self but never one as psychotic as your sister. I hope for your sake your sister is being put in a psychiatric facility. because if she isn´t taking care of properly she could literally kill someone.
And probably one for a petty crime like killing someone because they didn´t give her a bag of chips or something and I hope the baby is taken to a child custody care for her sake too. and as for your BIL well.... it´d be a miracle if he´s still alive today I can say that.
Hopefully, you'll get to make your dream come true someday.
♥
If anyone could be said to have the patience of a saint, it's you. My goddess, I wouldn't have lasted ONE DAY of that kind of abuse at home. Only you're a saint in the Book of Job.
Seconding and thirding every comment that previously said these people are not your responsibility, do not let them back in. Don't do it!
IMHO your mother sounds like she made promises for you, she had no right to make. Would she have made them if she had known how abusive and toxic the relationship would become? But that's a whole other can of worms.
Some... I wouldn't call them "people"... beings on this planet are NOT human. They are ORCS. No personal hygene, no empathy for others, destroy and ruin everything around them in a way that we'd normally associate with cavemen. I think you can see where this is going. Save your sympathy for your partner, and yourself. Orcs are what you build castle walls against.
If at this, or some future moment, you are tempted, out of some empathy for them, or the child, heed this warning! Do NOT lower the drawbridge. Do NOT open the gates. NO.
You know those huge dudes who look like they are basically 99% muscle? That's me but instead of muscles, emotions. I am an emotional juggernaut. I can take any hit, get up, and keep on walking. Some think I must not have loved my mother very much because I didn't fall apart when she died. She was my best friend and my copilot. She was always there for me. She never gave up on me and she had plenty of cause to. I absolutely was falling apart- worse than anyone else around me, worse than anyone will ever know. But I taped the pieces together, spackled over the cracks, and kept on keeping on. I had to. I'm the Unstoppable Hulk of feelyweelies.
But.....
There's a drawback. Basically all my exp went into the specific skill tree of dealing emotionally with that specific situation and nothing else. So now I'm struggling to be an independent adult in a world where everything costs about as much as I make in a month. And I've still got people glowering at me like I failed because of the way things panned out. I don't know how to move forward. I feel like I'm in a chess game where every move leads to check or checkmate. It would be great if I could just respec my skill points. Law school or nursing school, business school- something that I can make good money doing. But I've gotten so used to working from home as an artist, I don't know if I can do anything else. And with AI art now getting to a point where it's as good and sometimes better than my art, I'm worried my career may be in very real jeopardy.
So yeah, maybe I have the patience of a saint but that's not going to do me much good moving forward. Now I need more than that. I need a bunch of things I don't have.
</rant>
Without going into the details, my situation isn't nearly as bad as yours, so I'm not going to compare my problems to yours. Not even close. But, I rarely cry at the appropriate moment. I feel sad, I can be a complete wreck emotionally, but nothing comes out. I just sort of mope around for the equivalent time period.
I got nothing on how to improve your situation, it sounds like a lot of Catch-22s. (Need the money to go back and get a degree, to make the money.) I suspect that it's a puzzle that might have a solution, as in, you can fix one thing, which might allow you to fix another, and so on. But first, perhaps, your life needs an exorcism. Like any god(s) that think this much bad karma is deserved, are sick bastards, and can fuck right off.
Best of luck to you!