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Winter is here - Christmas is near
3 years ago
General
It's been quite a year. A lot has happened. There's been loss. The continuation of pain. Perhaps hope. I'm never sure.
I fear feeling anything, even hope, now. Ash hurt me last year. That lingers. Memories of the pain. What we had. I miss him. But I'm doing my best to move on. It complicates things. Makes that process of moving on difficult. Hesitation. Or is it inability, to feel? Hope? Hope is the first step. Feeling beyond that is more of a challenge. There are moments. In various areas of my life, they occur. But they slip away, fleeting like the seasons. Changing leaves in fall. One moment there, the next blowing in the wind. Swept away. I can't really grasp much.
Career, what I want from life, what I should do. Ideas, concepts, dreams. What do I believe in anymore? What do I feel?
I think about photography. Am I really any good? Can I be good enough? Is there a chance at a path that could lead me to self sufficiency? Is it just a pastime, a hobby for a minimally skilled enthusiast?
What about writing? I haven't done it since things happened with Ash. At least, not in the context of fiction. Not in the way that I used to dream of. Can you make a living at it? Is there a chance there?
Do we follow the path currently set before us? Do we owe it to ourselves to explore it when it appears, instead of trying to grasp onto something from before, that may still exist, but might conflict with the focus in the now? Can there be both, just set in their own way, time and place, a context to each?
These are the questions I ask myself. And I wonder about love. Circling back to the beginning. I'm curious. What do I feel? What can be real? Is there truly hope? My old idealistic view of such can be unrealistic. I'm unsure. Is it though? How do I regain that feeling, that trust? In the concept, idea? Hope. Belief in not only the idea of love, but in another person? So many things bring questions.
Every little thing that comes along can create worry, concern. Spur fears. Instead of seeing the possibilities and hoping, I fear, feel emotions slip away again. That brings a sense of loss, and sadness. I want to feel. I want to trust. But past experience dictates how I respond to current events. As a word, a response, a reaction, or a simple action from another will remind me of what has happened, how another acted, spoke, behaved, and the similarity makes me feel all the bad welling up. As if it is bound to happen here. It is most probably. Past experience informs future behavior. So if the present follows the pattern, or the pattern is detected, fears arise that this will be as it was before. The new experience will follow the same path. It is as untenable as the last, the pain will be felt, the disappointment, eventual loss. I feel myself recoil. Hesitant. Worried. I retreat. Or emotions do. I continue to try to go through the motions, to act how I should. To not show what I feel. I instead try to appear normal, as usual, behaving in all the ways I know I normally would, if I were myself.
I haven't felt like myself in a while. ... I'm speaking with a therapist, but it's just begun, and we haven't gotten into anything like this. OCD alone dominates discussion. I wish it weren't so much in the way. I need to address all these things. Love, and loss, more than anything, has scarred me these past years. But OCD gets in the way of everything. Progress even.
I fear feeling anything, even hope, now. Ash hurt me last year. That lingers. Memories of the pain. What we had. I miss him. But I'm doing my best to move on. It complicates things. Makes that process of moving on difficult. Hesitation. Or is it inability, to feel? Hope? Hope is the first step. Feeling beyond that is more of a challenge. There are moments. In various areas of my life, they occur. But they slip away, fleeting like the seasons. Changing leaves in fall. One moment there, the next blowing in the wind. Swept away. I can't really grasp much.
Career, what I want from life, what I should do. Ideas, concepts, dreams. What do I believe in anymore? What do I feel?
I think about photography. Am I really any good? Can I be good enough? Is there a chance at a path that could lead me to self sufficiency? Is it just a pastime, a hobby for a minimally skilled enthusiast?
What about writing? I haven't done it since things happened with Ash. At least, not in the context of fiction. Not in the way that I used to dream of. Can you make a living at it? Is there a chance there?
Do we follow the path currently set before us? Do we owe it to ourselves to explore it when it appears, instead of trying to grasp onto something from before, that may still exist, but might conflict with the focus in the now? Can there be both, just set in their own way, time and place, a context to each?
These are the questions I ask myself. And I wonder about love. Circling back to the beginning. I'm curious. What do I feel? What can be real? Is there truly hope? My old idealistic view of such can be unrealistic. I'm unsure. Is it though? How do I regain that feeling, that trust? In the concept, idea? Hope. Belief in not only the idea of love, but in another person? So many things bring questions.
Every little thing that comes along can create worry, concern. Spur fears. Instead of seeing the possibilities and hoping, I fear, feel emotions slip away again. That brings a sense of loss, and sadness. I want to feel. I want to trust. But past experience dictates how I respond to current events. As a word, a response, a reaction, or a simple action from another will remind me of what has happened, how another acted, spoke, behaved, and the similarity makes me feel all the bad welling up. As if it is bound to happen here. It is most probably. Past experience informs future behavior. So if the present follows the pattern, or the pattern is detected, fears arise that this will be as it was before. The new experience will follow the same path. It is as untenable as the last, the pain will be felt, the disappointment, eventual loss. I feel myself recoil. Hesitant. Worried. I retreat. Or emotions do. I continue to try to go through the motions, to act how I should. To not show what I feel. I instead try to appear normal, as usual, behaving in all the ways I know I normally would, if I were myself.
I haven't felt like myself in a while. ... I'm speaking with a therapist, but it's just begun, and we haven't gotten into anything like this. OCD alone dominates discussion. I wish it weren't so much in the way. I need to address all these things. Love, and loss, more than anything, has scarred me these past years. But OCD gets in the way of everything. Progress even.
