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Obligatory End of the Year Journal: Electric Boogaloo
3 years ago
Welp, it's been a year since my last journal, but I'm still (surprisingly and somewhat) alive!
Where I've been/life update
This is a mountain of cans of worms and there's still a lot I'm trying to digest, so I'll be as brief as possible.
I live in an abusive environment (especially for someone who is queer and with the intention of starting hrt), and years ago I was forced to stop therapy. Unsurprisingly, things got worse and became unbearable at the start of this year (to the point I was unable to do anything at all), but I managed to seek help again.
I went in specifically looking for a potential diagnosis in the ADHD/autism range because my previous diagnosis (depression, anxiety and "manageable" OCD) didn't explain those "quirky things" that had become utterly disruptive over the years. I had those doubts since I had awareness of myself, and after years of cycles of research and dismissal on my part, those were the only options that made overall sense.
Well, I knew such diagnosis would be hard to get as an adult in this country, but jfc, the past year pretty much confirmed my guess was right, albeit only informally and by exclusion because of the shitshow I went through: I was downright traumatized by a "professional" who seems to have a track record of doing so, I had the worst meltdowns of my life, I got my hopes up with another therapist who ended up just gatekeeping me, then I even got ghosted by a seemingly good psychiatrist after two sessions and two wrong prescriptions.
The two antidepressants I took over the summer absolutely killed any creativity and will to live left in me, removed my ability to use all those coping mechanisms that kept me together, and threw off my health even more, all while doing nothing but make the disruptive symptoms worse.
Sure, it's now obvious (because of course my word didn't count for it) they wouldn't have worked as intended because I'm not dealing with "just depression and anxiety" (they're direct symptoms stemming from having to function in a senseless neurotypical environment with no meaningful support all my life), but I still got nowhere with all of that, and no diagnosis means I can't access any resource or meds that could actually do me good. Even worse, months later, I'm still reeling from those meds' side effects, latent withdrawal symptoms and the chain of health issues they jumpstarted.
During all of that, IRL shit kept hitting the fan and, in the end, I left therapy and stopped meds of my own choice (read: utter mental and physical exhaustion). Not that I had much of a choice, since the (extremely passive-aggressive) economic support my family gave me at first is no longer a thing (they say the results aren't good enough to warrant more) and I'm honestly too scarred by the experience to try again anytime soon.
And finally, to add insult to injury, multiple family members caught covid while I was dealing with the withdrawal dizzyfest. I'll spare the details, but the following weeks put me in the lowest low I've ever been into, and it hasn't exactly gotten better from there nor I have managed to properly recover.
The rest of my health has been extremely unstable due to the huge amount of stress and trauma of the past years, but the silver lining is that my shoulder and back issues have been getting sort of better. Properly-aimed physical therapy and forced pauses (and the one good thing the first antidepressant did) made me recover some mobility and muscular strength, though not to the extent I would have liked since everything else got in the way.
I've come to terms with the fact that it's a partial disability that I'll likely keep for life no matter how much it improves, and while I've had to accept the fact that I'll have to resize many of my plans for the future, it still does give me some peace of mind at least, one I can work with instead of stressing over.
TL;DR: sought help, got screwed me over in more ways than I thought possible, got psychophysical whiplash and bonus trauma, still slowly recovering. Shoulder is doing better, but I'll have to be careful not to strain it.
-
Art
It's pretty obvious, but I've drawn little to nothing this year, even less than the last. To say I've been in burnout would be underselling it, but even when life would sabotage my attempts with this or that thing (looking at you, sites exploding one after the other and "ai" bs) every single time they picked up steam, it doesn't mean I stopped trying or at the very least planning.
Main thing is that I've reworked my creative goals into achievable milestones instead of now-impossible projects I really wanted to do for years. Right now my first goal is to practice for a while and find a style I'm truly comfortable with (as much as I love working with clean detailed lineart, it puts too much strain on my shoulder and wrist and I can't do it regularly) and develop a healthier work/personal art balance (what I had before played a big part in burning me out).
I have exciting plans for manageable solo art projects (I wrote a lot of fan and original OCs stuff in the past couple years), as well as more flexible commission work and possibly streaming, and I'm also working on a project together with my partner which is still in its early stages.
While I am excited about all of this and more that I can't confirm yet, I'm still in the process of overhauling my digital tools and environment to have them be more comfortable to my needs, so my galleries and site won't be up to date for another while.
-
What's next?
I have some clear personal goals for next year, mainly tied to my health, art and overall activity, but I don't really feel like announcing them yet since it'd just add pressure of expectations. Mostly, I just want to rebuild the confidence I lost during this eternal burnout, and possibly finally defeat it, but again, my hopes are somewhere between low and absolute zero.
And now, given that last year I said "Got no hopes for 2022 as it already showed it's ugly face, but let's pretend it won't set a new record low for how bad things can get. Maybe the memes about it will be good though!", I'll just stfu so maybe 2023 will leave me alone lmao (still need the memes tho)
All I can say is thank you to those who stuck around and kept supporting me in even small yet very meaningful ways <3
Where I've been/life update
This is a mountain of cans of worms and there's still a lot I'm trying to digest, so I'll be as brief as possible.
I live in an abusive environment (especially for someone who is queer and with the intention of starting hrt), and years ago I was forced to stop therapy. Unsurprisingly, things got worse and became unbearable at the start of this year (to the point I was unable to do anything at all), but I managed to seek help again.
I went in specifically looking for a potential diagnosis in the ADHD/autism range because my previous diagnosis (depression, anxiety and "manageable" OCD) didn't explain those "quirky things" that had become utterly disruptive over the years. I had those doubts since I had awareness of myself, and after years of cycles of research and dismissal on my part, those were the only options that made overall sense.
Well, I knew such diagnosis would be hard to get as an adult in this country, but jfc, the past year pretty much confirmed my guess was right, albeit only informally and by exclusion because of the shitshow I went through: I was downright traumatized by a "professional" who seems to have a track record of doing so, I had the worst meltdowns of my life, I got my hopes up with another therapist who ended up just gatekeeping me, then I even got ghosted by a seemingly good psychiatrist after two sessions and two wrong prescriptions.
The two antidepressants I took over the summer absolutely killed any creativity and will to live left in me, removed my ability to use all those coping mechanisms that kept me together, and threw off my health even more, all while doing nothing but make the disruptive symptoms worse.
Sure, it's now obvious (because of course my word didn't count for it) they wouldn't have worked as intended because I'm not dealing with "just depression and anxiety" (they're direct symptoms stemming from having to function in a senseless neurotypical environment with no meaningful support all my life), but I still got nowhere with all of that, and no diagnosis means I can't access any resource or meds that could actually do me good. Even worse, months later, I'm still reeling from those meds' side effects, latent withdrawal symptoms and the chain of health issues they jumpstarted.
During all of that, IRL shit kept hitting the fan and, in the end, I left therapy and stopped meds of my own choice (read: utter mental and physical exhaustion). Not that I had much of a choice, since the (extremely passive-aggressive) economic support my family gave me at first is no longer a thing (they say the results aren't good enough to warrant more) and I'm honestly too scarred by the experience to try again anytime soon.
And finally, to add insult to injury, multiple family members caught covid while I was dealing with the withdrawal dizzyfest. I'll spare the details, but the following weeks put me in the lowest low I've ever been into, and it hasn't exactly gotten better from there nor I have managed to properly recover.
The rest of my health has been extremely unstable due to the huge amount of stress and trauma of the past years, but the silver lining is that my shoulder and back issues have been getting sort of better. Properly-aimed physical therapy and forced pauses (and the one good thing the first antidepressant did) made me recover some mobility and muscular strength, though not to the extent I would have liked since everything else got in the way.
I've come to terms with the fact that it's a partial disability that I'll likely keep for life no matter how much it improves, and while I've had to accept the fact that I'll have to resize many of my plans for the future, it still does give me some peace of mind at least, one I can work with instead of stressing over.
TL;DR: sought help, got screwed me over in more ways than I thought possible, got psychophysical whiplash and bonus trauma, still slowly recovering. Shoulder is doing better, but I'll have to be careful not to strain it.
-
Art
It's pretty obvious, but I've drawn little to nothing this year, even less than the last. To say I've been in burnout would be underselling it, but even when life would sabotage my attempts with this or that thing (looking at you, sites exploding one after the other and "ai" bs) every single time they picked up steam, it doesn't mean I stopped trying or at the very least planning.
Main thing is that I've reworked my creative goals into achievable milestones instead of now-impossible projects I really wanted to do for years. Right now my first goal is to practice for a while and find a style I'm truly comfortable with (as much as I love working with clean detailed lineart, it puts too much strain on my shoulder and wrist and I can't do it regularly) and develop a healthier work/personal art balance (what I had before played a big part in burning me out).
I have exciting plans for manageable solo art projects (I wrote a lot of fan and original OCs stuff in the past couple years), as well as more flexible commission work and possibly streaming, and I'm also working on a project together with my partner which is still in its early stages.
While I am excited about all of this and more that I can't confirm yet, I'm still in the process of overhauling my digital tools and environment to have them be more comfortable to my needs, so my galleries and site won't be up to date for another while.
-
What's next?
I have some clear personal goals for next year, mainly tied to my health, art and overall activity, but I don't really feel like announcing them yet since it'd just add pressure of expectations. Mostly, I just want to rebuild the confidence I lost during this eternal burnout, and possibly finally defeat it, but again, my hopes are somewhere between low and absolute zero.
And now, given that last year I said "Got no hopes for 2022 as it already showed it's ugly face, but let's pretend it won't set a new record low for how bad things can get. Maybe the memes about it will be good though!", I'll just stfu so maybe 2023 will leave me alone lmao (still need the memes tho)
All I can say is thank you to those who stuck around and kept supporting me in even small yet very meaningful ways <3
