Well, here we are again, talking about the same shit I spoke about 3 years ago, on something stupid I had done 5 years ago. Here's the journal:

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9514768/

This is, once again, being brought up to me. I said the N word. I didn't call someone the N word, but I used the N word, quoting my Uncle, an 80 year old man who has since, passed away. It was a very poor attempt at trying to convey my feelings on the right of free speech. That, and the combination spending my whole life, being told I'm too fat and disgusting to EVER have anybody care about me, left me growing up with no friends, no self-esteem, and no significant other, left me so desperately wanting to fit in, anywhere, that I was willing to say a word which should, honestly, never be used. It was the single lowest point in my life, and I never want to return to it.

That being said... what was the fucking point? It's not who I am, and it's never who I was, but what is the point, if every couple of years, it just gets thrown back in your face, so a new batch of friends can pretty much go "oh, fuck that guy." I think the ones that hurt the most, are not the ones that just up and block you without a word, or even DM you that you're a piece of shit before blocking you, but the ones that tell you, "If I had known about this before I met you, I would have just told you to fuck off right then." So basically, you're telling me there was never a chance to atone. You might as well have just said to fuck off anyways, instead of reminding them of the lowest point in the life, and making them feel even lower. So now, you just have everyone blocking you, or banning you, or not really wanting to talk to you anymore. So now, you leave one way behind, only for the way forward to be slammed shut in your face, again and again, leaving you alone, all because you desperately wanted.... to not feel alone.