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2 years ago
Journal of High Strangeness.
Warning: This Journal entry contains a lot of very personal information about me. I am not putting this here to sway you away from reading, just to simply inform you that this whole journal is TMI.
This past year or so has been perty challenging for me. Dealing with my mental health "post" COVID. Dealing with my physical health, and then my mental health again. This past year I've been on a personal journey to "Make Myself Better". I've lived a very secluded lifestyle for a long time. Not just through COVID But long before. It started in my 20's when I became a trucker. I put on over 100 pounds, and it hasn't been getting better since. I've always known I've had a problem, but never had the fortitude to make that problem go away. After Trucking, I became a security guard, and I dropped about 50 pounds at one point. But, yet again that job turned into one where all I did was patrole a small building every hour and push a button to open and close a gate. All of those jobs were lonely, toxic. I worked for Circle K for about 3 months as a cashier It got me up, but it was the single most toxic work environment I've ever been in and i'll be happy if I never have to do it again. All that leaves scars on ones brain. All I've ever known, is toxic work environments, Thinking positive work environments were as fictional as unicorns. After we moved to Oklahoma Covid hit. Being the fat, diabetic, asthmatic that I am I was given the choice by my most wonderful husband, to avoid having to expose myself to much to COVID. As we know, that was back in 2019. Up until a couple of weeks ago I haven't had a job. It is only thanks to my friend Jomak that I've managed to finally regain employment. *Much Gratitude*. If it weren't for all the support of the people around me and even some who are very distant, I don't think I would have made it. Especially the support of my spouse (Brendan) and my roommate (Tuck/Andy). I also have other people to thank. A List of which will be at the end. I've come to a point. A Shifting I think might be for the good. I work in the flooring department of a popular chain of hardware store's. You wouldn't think that would be a physically demanding job, but to this point in my life it's been one of the most physically and mentally difficult things ive had to do in a long time. I spent the week or so before the interview...afraid. Seams like a silly thing for a big dude like me to be frightened of. During the interview, I was told what would be asked of me. I felt my face go pale. There was a point in my life not to long ago, that I couldn't walk to the stop sign at the end of the block without it absolutely crushing me. I was panting and trying to stand up straight, bracing myself against my jeep just to make it back into where I lived. It was honestly shameful how out of shape I was, and honestly still am. Even though ive now gotten myself up to where i can walk nearly five miles a day, I am burning over 3,500 Calories a day, just walking. Now mind you I know those sorts of readings aren't very accurate, but it is showing that my activity shot up from nearly zero to %100. On the first day. I truly did not think I was going to make it. That first day was agony, though it did not hurt my back nearly as much as i thought it would. The second day I did not eat enough before going to work and about 2 hours in I crashed hard and ended up having to go home. I honestly thought I'd lost my job right there. I continue to be shocked at how forgiving this place is being with me. I believe I totally bombed the interview. I couldn't answer half his questions, and above all I did the thing you're never supposed to do in an interview. I was honest. I told him " Hey man I am gonna be straight up with you. I've never doe a job like this before. I've never worked in an actual "Team" based environment before. I don't know how I am going to do. I am a really big man in not so good health. I've got gout, shit could take me out for a week, so I understand if you don't want to hire me." But, in the end I ended up getting the " Your Hired" handshake anyway. I am still not quite sure how, but I am not going to punch a gift horse in the mouth. ( Yes, I know that's not how the saying goes.)Now that I've been doing it for about a week, things are already getting easier, physically speaking.Mind you things are still hard, but I feel like my body is waking up. Is all I really needed just a little exercise? I find that my guts are getting better. I am not having to, do the doo nearly as often as before. My guts dont hurt, and I am finding that my back and knees are actually hurting less than they were before. I am also finding that my attitude and mood have switched gears. I feel happier, and I seem to worry less. I used to fear the pain of physical activity. Now that I am doing it however, I "am" keeping up. Granted I only work part time at 6 hours a day, but you know what. that's fine for the time being. ATM I think that's all I can take anyway lol.
For once in my life, I don't mind putting in the effort at work because so far, management is being nice to me o.o. Again not punching a gift horse in the mouth, as that horse looks suspiciously like a unicorn... But it still throws me off. I am not used to going to the bathroom without asking first. I guess it seems kind of silly now that I've given that a voice, but as a trucker and as a security guard, a lot of the time I did not get to go to the bathroom when I needed to. Nor was I allowed to be seen sitting down as either a cashier or as a patrolling security guard. Now, I can just go whenever I need. My supervisor walked up on me sitting on product to do a task low to the ground. He fist bumped me and told me I was doing a good job and left me to my work without micromanaging me or looking over my shoulder all the time. That little thing honestly shocked me. Ide been preparing to get scolded.
Help is not always prompt, but I always eventually get help, and so far I've not gotten any attitude for it at all. If I need to lift something heavy, there's always someone willing to give a hand, and I find that that sort of attitude makes me want to help, makes me not hate my job. Up until this point, every job I've had, I have hated doing because of constantly being harassed by management over one thing or another. Most (not all) of the co-workers I've ever had have ended up being toxic in some form or another. Thats been the driver for a lot of my fear. Just being plunged neck deep into yet another toxic work environment where all I want to do is make myself small and unnoticeable. In my last job. I rejected advancement on more than one occasion because I hated management and wanted to be as far away from them as possible. For so long, i'd never even considered advancement an any job. Now, i think that might be a possibility if i can manage to keep up with the flood of all new information essentially being poured into my head I think I actually might have a chance to advance with this job. Assuming I don't suffer from a bad case of "Foot in Mouth" Disorder. My social skills aren't great, Sometimes i catch myself swearing when something does not go my way. As one does, but I do my best not to curse to much at work.
When it comes down to the brass tacks (hardware), This may not have been a job I initially wanted, but I think it may be the job I need. It's getting me off my fat duff and moving and with the amount I am moving, I may not be fat for very long. The last year has, forced me to come to terms with something I thought I had a good handle on. My own mortality. I don't want to be another American statistic. I don't want to die of a stroke...I don't want to have a massive heart attack. I know I could lose all the weight in the world and that could still happen. But i think i'd like to better my chances. I think I might like to live past 70.
I feel like I have so little to give back to all the people around me, the least I could do is give out the proper gratitude.
Brendan Blockade (Smart, Sexy, wonderful Hubby, who has supported me and kept me alive and sane through the worst of my hardships. I would marry him again a thousand thousand million times.)
Tuck ( room mate and one of my very best friends. Has taught us both how to go shopping, and we wouldn't be eating nearly as good without him.)
Jomack ( A good friend, who puts up with me even when I get a little odd. Who got me my new job. Is also a rather good teacher.)
Nightrider Sharpclaw ( Who has given me so many things, and so much of his love and friendship, I am not sure how I would ever repay the immense kindness and love he has shown me.)
Paw Paw ( I am not sure you know how much you help me get through my days, especially those days when I am feeling alone.)
Kawasaki ( A good good friend of mine who lives a very long way away. You are a wonderful friend and you are always there.)
Thank you. You all mean a lot to me and I love you all. Without you, I wouldn't have made it this far. If you feel Ive left you off this list, feel free to tell me why. Thank you.
This past year or so has been perty challenging for me. Dealing with my mental health "post" COVID. Dealing with my physical health, and then my mental health again. This past year I've been on a personal journey to "Make Myself Better". I've lived a very secluded lifestyle for a long time. Not just through COVID But long before. It started in my 20's when I became a trucker. I put on over 100 pounds, and it hasn't been getting better since. I've always known I've had a problem, but never had the fortitude to make that problem go away. After Trucking, I became a security guard, and I dropped about 50 pounds at one point. But, yet again that job turned into one where all I did was patrole a small building every hour and push a button to open and close a gate. All of those jobs were lonely, toxic. I worked for Circle K for about 3 months as a cashier It got me up, but it was the single most toxic work environment I've ever been in and i'll be happy if I never have to do it again. All that leaves scars on ones brain. All I've ever known, is toxic work environments, Thinking positive work environments were as fictional as unicorns. After we moved to Oklahoma Covid hit. Being the fat, diabetic, asthmatic that I am I was given the choice by my most wonderful husband, to avoid having to expose myself to much to COVID. As we know, that was back in 2019. Up until a couple of weeks ago I haven't had a job. It is only thanks to my friend Jomak that I've managed to finally regain employment. *Much Gratitude*. If it weren't for all the support of the people around me and even some who are very distant, I don't think I would have made it. Especially the support of my spouse (Brendan) and my roommate (Tuck/Andy). I also have other people to thank. A List of which will be at the end. I've come to a point. A Shifting I think might be for the good. I work in the flooring department of a popular chain of hardware store's. You wouldn't think that would be a physically demanding job, but to this point in my life it's been one of the most physically and mentally difficult things ive had to do in a long time. I spent the week or so before the interview...afraid. Seams like a silly thing for a big dude like me to be frightened of. During the interview, I was told what would be asked of me. I felt my face go pale. There was a point in my life not to long ago, that I couldn't walk to the stop sign at the end of the block without it absolutely crushing me. I was panting and trying to stand up straight, bracing myself against my jeep just to make it back into where I lived. It was honestly shameful how out of shape I was, and honestly still am. Even though ive now gotten myself up to where i can walk nearly five miles a day, I am burning over 3,500 Calories a day, just walking. Now mind you I know those sorts of readings aren't very accurate, but it is showing that my activity shot up from nearly zero to %100. On the first day. I truly did not think I was going to make it. That first day was agony, though it did not hurt my back nearly as much as i thought it would. The second day I did not eat enough before going to work and about 2 hours in I crashed hard and ended up having to go home. I honestly thought I'd lost my job right there. I continue to be shocked at how forgiving this place is being with me. I believe I totally bombed the interview. I couldn't answer half his questions, and above all I did the thing you're never supposed to do in an interview. I was honest. I told him " Hey man I am gonna be straight up with you. I've never doe a job like this before. I've never worked in an actual "Team" based environment before. I don't know how I am going to do. I am a really big man in not so good health. I've got gout, shit could take me out for a week, so I understand if you don't want to hire me." But, in the end I ended up getting the " Your Hired" handshake anyway. I am still not quite sure how, but I am not going to punch a gift horse in the mouth. ( Yes, I know that's not how the saying goes.)Now that I've been doing it for about a week, things are already getting easier, physically speaking.Mind you things are still hard, but I feel like my body is waking up. Is all I really needed just a little exercise? I find that my guts are getting better. I am not having to, do the doo nearly as often as before. My guts dont hurt, and I am finding that my back and knees are actually hurting less than they were before. I am also finding that my attitude and mood have switched gears. I feel happier, and I seem to worry less. I used to fear the pain of physical activity. Now that I am doing it however, I "am" keeping up. Granted I only work part time at 6 hours a day, but you know what. that's fine for the time being. ATM I think that's all I can take anyway lol.
For once in my life, I don't mind putting in the effort at work because so far, management is being nice to me o.o. Again not punching a gift horse in the mouth, as that horse looks suspiciously like a unicorn... But it still throws me off. I am not used to going to the bathroom without asking first. I guess it seems kind of silly now that I've given that a voice, but as a trucker and as a security guard, a lot of the time I did not get to go to the bathroom when I needed to. Nor was I allowed to be seen sitting down as either a cashier or as a patrolling security guard. Now, I can just go whenever I need. My supervisor walked up on me sitting on product to do a task low to the ground. He fist bumped me and told me I was doing a good job and left me to my work without micromanaging me or looking over my shoulder all the time. That little thing honestly shocked me. Ide been preparing to get scolded.
Help is not always prompt, but I always eventually get help, and so far I've not gotten any attitude for it at all. If I need to lift something heavy, there's always someone willing to give a hand, and I find that that sort of attitude makes me want to help, makes me not hate my job. Up until this point, every job I've had, I have hated doing because of constantly being harassed by management over one thing or another. Most (not all) of the co-workers I've ever had have ended up being toxic in some form or another. Thats been the driver for a lot of my fear. Just being plunged neck deep into yet another toxic work environment where all I want to do is make myself small and unnoticeable. In my last job. I rejected advancement on more than one occasion because I hated management and wanted to be as far away from them as possible. For so long, i'd never even considered advancement an any job. Now, i think that might be a possibility if i can manage to keep up with the flood of all new information essentially being poured into my head I think I actually might have a chance to advance with this job. Assuming I don't suffer from a bad case of "Foot in Mouth" Disorder. My social skills aren't great, Sometimes i catch myself swearing when something does not go my way. As one does, but I do my best not to curse to much at work.
When it comes down to the brass tacks (hardware), This may not have been a job I initially wanted, but I think it may be the job I need. It's getting me off my fat duff and moving and with the amount I am moving, I may not be fat for very long. The last year has, forced me to come to terms with something I thought I had a good handle on. My own mortality. I don't want to be another American statistic. I don't want to die of a stroke...I don't want to have a massive heart attack. I know I could lose all the weight in the world and that could still happen. But i think i'd like to better my chances. I think I might like to live past 70.
I feel like I have so little to give back to all the people around me, the least I could do is give out the proper gratitude.
Brendan Blockade (Smart, Sexy, wonderful Hubby, who has supported me and kept me alive and sane through the worst of my hardships. I would marry him again a thousand thousand million times.)
Tuck ( room mate and one of my very best friends. Has taught us both how to go shopping, and we wouldn't be eating nearly as good without him.)
Jomack ( A good friend, who puts up with me even when I get a little odd. Who got me my new job. Is also a rather good teacher.)
Nightrider Sharpclaw ( Who has given me so many things, and so much of his love and friendship, I am not sure how I would ever repay the immense kindness and love he has shown me.)
Paw Paw ( I am not sure you know how much you help me get through my days, especially those days when I am feeling alone.)
Kawasaki ( A good good friend of mine who lives a very long way away. You are a wonderful friend and you are always there.)
Thank you. You all mean a lot to me and I love you all. Without you, I wouldn't have made it this far. If you feel Ive left you off this list, feel free to tell me why. Thank you.
