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Coming clean about past mistakes
2 years ago
Clears throat and talks in french goat
This journal unfortunately isn't a "Comeback journal", and actually, after reading it, you might be right to assume that this break is gonna be long.
I wanted to come clean about something that happened in the past. The 2018 to 2020 period to be exact, I was either from 17 to 19, or from 18 to 20. This thing having taken place a long time ago, I’m going to try to describe what happened as best as possible, but keep in mind that there might be small time discrepancies if more details are added. I promise that my recollection of the following events is as genuine as possible.
I admit that during this time, my understanding of what could be considered "alright" for kinky talk and interaction wasn't the age of 18. Rather, it was the age of 16. Not in the "I dIDn't kNooOOoW It waS 18!!!" sense of course, it was more of an "I mean, 16 yo is basically the maturity of an 18 yo so it's fiiiine" mentality. I did seed that thought into my brain because I started to get involved in the community at this age, and some people shared foot stuff with me at that time despite knowing I was 16, stating themselves that they "Drew the line at 16". As such, I think you can guess the rest of this journal. Over these two years, I ended up interacting with a small number of minors as young as 16 year olds in non appropriate manners. Sometimes, I would be drawing their sona in fetishy scenarios, sometimes even sharing foot content with them (There was no genitals, but since the intent was obviously a certain thing... It's as if they were nude pics). Of course, its something that I'm not proud of, something that disgusts me of myself to the core and that I would delete from my life if I had a time machine. I promise this wasn't out of malice, but simply out of "Ignorance", I simply didn't think about it enough, as it was something completely normal for me at that time. As horribly dense as it sounds, in my mind from that time, they were as much as an adult as an 18 years old. People might think of it as being grooming, and while I don't think that was the case, I honestly don't know if I'm just being ignorant about this. One thing I'm sure of though is that I wasn't actively and purposefully manipulating minors. Once again, like a dumbass, I just didn't question the state of the friendship or acquaintanceship.
=============
A few weeks ago, a Twitter thread has emerged showing a telegram chat where I do admit to having engaged in such activities with a particular person who was a minor at the time, and after a bit of reflection, I figured I should give my point of view as well. Despite the thread voluntarily omitting some key points like the chronology of it all, details and argumentation, I guess that's the closest you'll have from the point of view of someone who's not me on this matter:
https://twitter.com/ZekiTilkiTheFox.....A&s=19
Now, as to my point of view:
From what I remember, the chronology of events goes as follow (It was a few years ago, so it might be slightly inaccurate) :
2018-2020 = I’m in a friendship with that person and we share foot content
2020- = I stop the sharing foot content or talking about fetishy things until they turn 18 (I don’t remember if I still casually talked to them or not but I'm pretty sure there was nothing incriminating during that time) I also remove artworks featuring minors' fursonas from my gallery.
2021 or 2022- = I admit to the thread author about my actions from many years ago out of guilt. The author seems to want to imply that they « Confronted » me in their thread. The truth is, if I remember correctly, that we kind of smoothly went on that 16 year old tangent when they realised that during a moment of our friendship, I was a minor who they sent feet pics to, admittedly without knowing my age. I admitted the subject of this thread on my own later on. They then questioned me in what you now see in the thread.
Like this thread says, in my head, it was just a friendship like any other, hell, I was even projecting myself on that person and didn't want them to feel left out as much as I did, so kinky stuff swooped in the friendship because, once again, that was the matter on which I was given the most attention to when I was a minor. Eventually, in 2020, I realised that a healthy friendship with a minor shouldn't involve sex at all. I told them that I wasn't comfortable with doing such activities with them anymore, and stopped any fetish or kinky talk with them until they turned 18. I don't remember if I even still talked to them during that period actually. Of course, I also stopped having this kind of interaction with minors altogether at the same time. But the mistake was made, I realised it too late, and despite having put a stop to this mess many years ago, I wish I could turn back time with my newfound maturity to stop myself from making the biggest mistake of my life.
=============
As to answer to people who might not understand why I'm shooting myself in the foot like that, I wanted to make this journal for four reasons:
1: In case people end up hearing about the allegations towards me, I want them to be able to read my point of view and get a broader understanding without getting influenced by potentially false information made to capitalize on this issue.
2: I don't want to lie to people who think highly of me anymore. When the Twitter thread arised, I was initially advised to not speak out, as it would die by itself, and as, while I apparently have some attenuating circumstances, people still would treat this case in a 100÷ black scenario. I initially didn't say anything, I must admit, because I was terrified, and on top of that, I didn't want to sweep up that used-to-be minor back into a story that they might not have wanted to see in the spotlight either. I asked them if they were fine with me talking about this mistake (A luxury that the person who made the thread didn't give them), to which they said yes. I still am terrified of course, but I don't want to be part of those who keep skeletons in their closet. It doesn't go by my morals, and it's a lack of respect to my audience. I've already admitted to this mistake to a few close friends, it's only fair I admit to it publicly now.
3: I want to be able to leave this behind. Ever since this mistake, a sense of dread about it showing up has become more and more frequent, and I want to get rid of this feeling for good. If I want to be moving forward from this mistake now, it's imperative that I don't hold weights from the past pulling me down. And if my account has to die because of that, so be it, at least I would have been honest, something that a lot of people I talked to and who did or still do the exact same thing don't bother being.
4: I want this to be a cautionary tale. Both for minors, AND people who might be in the same case as me, as I fucked up in both of these sides:
Minors: Be careful on the Internet. People are going to use your naivety to manipulate you, to get sexual favors from you, and you might be blinded by the attention that is given to you, think you're living something special, or that this person is "Just nice". It might be the case sometimes, I mean, that's what I was trying to be, but more often than not, these people have everything but good intentions. On top of that, you might regret what you shared a few years later. That's not my case, and that’s not the case of the person I mainly shared pics with given what they told me when I questioned them about it (I don’t know about the other ones because I don’t have their contact anymore), but it might be yours.
Adults: There is no other age where drawing the line than at 18. This golden rule wasn't respected towards me by a bunch of people, and as such I ended up sending and receiving feet pics as soon as when I was 16. In result, this rule that "Heh, 16 is actually okay" got rooted in me, and I just reproduced the same circle than the one I got swept into. I don't care about what people will think of this sentence, but I'm gonna say it from experience: Yes, you can make the sort of mistake I made by accident, and even with the best intentions in the world. So be careful about that "Just wanting to be nice" mentality. I can also say that it's very easy to think that "This person is very mature for their age so it's fine", but it's a lie your brain is making up to justify what you're doing. I didn't know better, and I myself wasn't as mature as I thought.
I fucked up big time on both sides, and, well, now you can see where it did lead. I am terribly sorry for all the disappointment that a lot of you must be feeling. It's a mistake from a few years ago that I will never forget, and that I constantly grow and mature from ever since. I accept losing people who don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore if you think this is a fitting punishment or that it’s better for your own sake.
=============
Some people might say I'm "Only sorry because I got caught", and I guess I am indeed using the occasion of the Twitter thread to come clean about it, though I do believe that I would have talked about it later anyway.
Some people might also say that the timing of me leaving and this popping up is correlated, to which I reply that I've only been made aware of the Twitter thread a few days after my leaving journal (Notice how I wasn't ed in the thread and the capital letters in my name are weirdly placed, I wouldn't even have known a thread was made about me if I hadn't been told about it), and as you can see, I'm "replying" to it only a few weeks later. And for those wondering, of course I wouldn’t be contacted by the thread author before they send the thread, I don’t hold any grudge against this fact because that’s an expected behaviour. The person who was a minor at the time was apparently not contacted before either though, so this thread is a surprise for both of us.
The mistreatment I received from the community did really happen, and the journal about my break was genuinely stating the reasons why I took a break, and to my knowledge, this past mistake wasn't a reason for the mistreatment I received, nor am I thinking and talking negatively about the community to keep that past mistake from being found. Part of me suspects that this thread was made to discredit the negative light I put on the fandom, but I also know that I’m nothing in the community to make people want to « Silence » me, which then just makes me confused as to why this thread was made, especially since the author didn’t even get the « Victim »’s point of view.
I am highly against the idea of minors browsing my content or contacting me, and you may have noticed this line was added to my userpage a few months ago (I had just forgotten to add it until I realised it), and I would prefer to never end up talking with a minor ever again, even if not on fetishy subjects. I do believe that minors shouldn’t be treated like the plague just because of their age, in fact, a big part of my maturity growth over time is thanks to the enlightening conversations I had with actually genuine adult furries while still a minor. But on the other side, I’m aware that I was just lucky to fall on that person who legitimately cared for me, and with the reputation that will now be following me, I want to keep myself as safe as possible.
Finally, I must admit that I did "censor" people who brought this matter up in various ways and places, including unrelated and unwelcome manners. I removed a comment from the person who made the thread on my leaving journal, as it was just a baseless linkless accusation unrelated to the journal, and made just out of malice (Once again, didn't know there was a thread, so I thought he was just trying to kick a sand castle and not actually trying to make a point). I also removed comments from someone who linked the twitter thread on one upload of mine, the aforementioned journal, and in a shout, because I was scared of this getting out with no possibility of defending myself. I also blocked those two people to avoid recidivism. Finally, a third person sent me a shout reacting to the thread. That shout contained false information due to a misunderstanding about it. We talked this through and ended up in good terms, and the shout is now removed. I do think I would have removed that shout even without the misinformation though.
Since 2020 though, I am an upright person and, despite some ultimately harmless arguments happening sometimes, I've got no terrible actions to feel guilty of, and since the beginning of this year, I finally feel at least a little bit of peace IRL. I wouldn't say I'm a particularly happy person, never was and never will be, but thanks to events that happened earlier this year, I'm finally able to walk forward and see a bit of a future waiting for me.
=============
I think you now have all the information needed to understand my mistakes, and its surrounding circumstances, intents, reasoning and aftermath. I'm open to answering questions in the comments, as I really want my case to be as understandable and thought-inducing as possible, for myself, and for others. Please just keep it in the comments of this journal, as it is where all the context to understand the questions is present here for readers.
I will remove comments calling me a pedophile, a predator or a groomer though, as these things are not what I am. I know it is easy to categorize things for the worst, but even for me who wants to come clean about this and agree that what I did was fucked up, these buzzword terms are only applicable to irredeemably frequent predators on the prowl, with no age limit, faith or humanity left in them. These people deserve to burn in the hottest of hells, and I'm not like these human diarrheas. I also add that I’m not attracted to minors, the actions I did were not motivated by the age of these people, as once again, it was just a lack of critical thinking on my part. I also wouldn’t accept any foot content from a person who I knew was under 16 at that time, because I was in a state of mind where «It’s only okay starting from 16»
I will also remove insulting , snarky comments, or made up lies made just to entertain a lynch mob, as they don't provide any insight for readers. Note that a message saying that you're disappointed or stating how bad of a mistake I made isn't considered insulting.
You're also welcome to send me a note if you want to keep it private. I don't recommend contacting me on any of my socials if you don’t already have me as a friend there, as it might quickly become unmanageable for me if too many people do it.
=============
As for my endeavours from now on, I am still in my break from anything furry related, so no art is to be expected, though it did come to my attention that I forgot to put one of my artworks in my last art spam. This artwork is not linking to me only, so I don’t think right now is the best moment to post it, I wouldn’t want to put this person under flames despite them not having done anything wrong. I did change my mind a bit about completely logging off of my accounts and stuff, I figured it wouldn’t be fair to completely leave close and genuine friends behind for reasons they have no control over. So for now, I’ll just be lurking as a spectator. I might not even respond to messages from people I don’t know, but I’ll try not to leave anyone on read, so I can reply to them when I decide to come back.
Once again, I am truly sorry for disappointing so many people, those years that passed after all this mess allowed me to reflect on myself and mature as a person, and I hope that after having come clean about my past, I’ll be able to start a new beginning on this account.
I wanted to come clean about something that happened in the past. The 2018 to 2020 period to be exact, I was either from 17 to 19, or from 18 to 20. This thing having taken place a long time ago, I’m going to try to describe what happened as best as possible, but keep in mind that there might be small time discrepancies if more details are added. I promise that my recollection of the following events is as genuine as possible.
I admit that during this time, my understanding of what could be considered "alright" for kinky talk and interaction wasn't the age of 18. Rather, it was the age of 16. Not in the "I dIDn't kNooOOoW It waS 18!!!" sense of course, it was more of an "I mean, 16 yo is basically the maturity of an 18 yo so it's fiiiine" mentality. I did seed that thought into my brain because I started to get involved in the community at this age, and some people shared foot stuff with me at that time despite knowing I was 16, stating themselves that they "Drew the line at 16". As such, I think you can guess the rest of this journal. Over these two years, I ended up interacting with a small number of minors as young as 16 year olds in non appropriate manners. Sometimes, I would be drawing their sona in fetishy scenarios, sometimes even sharing foot content with them (There was no genitals, but since the intent was obviously a certain thing... It's as if they were nude pics). Of course, its something that I'm not proud of, something that disgusts me of myself to the core and that I would delete from my life if I had a time machine. I promise this wasn't out of malice, but simply out of "Ignorance", I simply didn't think about it enough, as it was something completely normal for me at that time. As horribly dense as it sounds, in my mind from that time, they were as much as an adult as an 18 years old. People might think of it as being grooming, and while I don't think that was the case, I honestly don't know if I'm just being ignorant about this. One thing I'm sure of though is that I wasn't actively and purposefully manipulating minors. Once again, like a dumbass, I just didn't question the state of the friendship or acquaintanceship.
=============
A few weeks ago, a Twitter thread has emerged showing a telegram chat where I do admit to having engaged in such activities with a particular person who was a minor at the time, and after a bit of reflection, I figured I should give my point of view as well. Despite the thread voluntarily omitting some key points like the chronology of it all, details and argumentation, I guess that's the closest you'll have from the point of view of someone who's not me on this matter:
https://twitter.com/ZekiTilkiTheFox.....A&s=19
Now, as to my point of view:
From what I remember, the chronology of events goes as follow (It was a few years ago, so it might be slightly inaccurate) :
2018-2020 = I’m in a friendship with that person and we share foot content
2020- = I stop the sharing foot content or talking about fetishy things until they turn 18 (I don’t remember if I still casually talked to them or not but I'm pretty sure there was nothing incriminating during that time) I also remove artworks featuring minors' fursonas from my gallery.
2021 or 2022- = I admit to the thread author about my actions from many years ago out of guilt. The author seems to want to imply that they « Confronted » me in their thread. The truth is, if I remember correctly, that we kind of smoothly went on that 16 year old tangent when they realised that during a moment of our friendship, I was a minor who they sent feet pics to, admittedly without knowing my age. I admitted the subject of this thread on my own later on. They then questioned me in what you now see in the thread.
Like this thread says, in my head, it was just a friendship like any other, hell, I was even projecting myself on that person and didn't want them to feel left out as much as I did, so kinky stuff swooped in the friendship because, once again, that was the matter on which I was given the most attention to when I was a minor. Eventually, in 2020, I realised that a healthy friendship with a minor shouldn't involve sex at all. I told them that I wasn't comfortable with doing such activities with them anymore, and stopped any fetish or kinky talk with them until they turned 18. I don't remember if I even still talked to them during that period actually. Of course, I also stopped having this kind of interaction with minors altogether at the same time. But the mistake was made, I realised it too late, and despite having put a stop to this mess many years ago, I wish I could turn back time with my newfound maturity to stop myself from making the biggest mistake of my life.
=============
As to answer to people who might not understand why I'm shooting myself in the foot like that, I wanted to make this journal for four reasons:
1: In case people end up hearing about the allegations towards me, I want them to be able to read my point of view and get a broader understanding without getting influenced by potentially false information made to capitalize on this issue.
2: I don't want to lie to people who think highly of me anymore. When the Twitter thread arised, I was initially advised to not speak out, as it would die by itself, and as, while I apparently have some attenuating circumstances, people still would treat this case in a 100÷ black scenario. I initially didn't say anything, I must admit, because I was terrified, and on top of that, I didn't want to sweep up that used-to-be minor back into a story that they might not have wanted to see in the spotlight either. I asked them if they were fine with me talking about this mistake (A luxury that the person who made the thread didn't give them), to which they said yes. I still am terrified of course, but I don't want to be part of those who keep skeletons in their closet. It doesn't go by my morals, and it's a lack of respect to my audience. I've already admitted to this mistake to a few close friends, it's only fair I admit to it publicly now.
3: I want to be able to leave this behind. Ever since this mistake, a sense of dread about it showing up has become more and more frequent, and I want to get rid of this feeling for good. If I want to be moving forward from this mistake now, it's imperative that I don't hold weights from the past pulling me down. And if my account has to die because of that, so be it, at least I would have been honest, something that a lot of people I talked to and who did or still do the exact same thing don't bother being.
4: I want this to be a cautionary tale. Both for minors, AND people who might be in the same case as me, as I fucked up in both of these sides:
Minors: Be careful on the Internet. People are going to use your naivety to manipulate you, to get sexual favors from you, and you might be blinded by the attention that is given to you, think you're living something special, or that this person is "Just nice". It might be the case sometimes, I mean, that's what I was trying to be, but more often than not, these people have everything but good intentions. On top of that, you might regret what you shared a few years later. That's not my case, and that’s not the case of the person I mainly shared pics with given what they told me when I questioned them about it (I don’t know about the other ones because I don’t have their contact anymore), but it might be yours.
Adults: There is no other age where drawing the line than at 18. This golden rule wasn't respected towards me by a bunch of people, and as such I ended up sending and receiving feet pics as soon as when I was 16. In result, this rule that "Heh, 16 is actually okay" got rooted in me, and I just reproduced the same circle than the one I got swept into. I don't care about what people will think of this sentence, but I'm gonna say it from experience: Yes, you can make the sort of mistake I made by accident, and even with the best intentions in the world. So be careful about that "Just wanting to be nice" mentality. I can also say that it's very easy to think that "This person is very mature for their age so it's fine", but it's a lie your brain is making up to justify what you're doing. I didn't know better, and I myself wasn't as mature as I thought.
I fucked up big time on both sides, and, well, now you can see where it did lead. I am terribly sorry for all the disappointment that a lot of you must be feeling. It's a mistake from a few years ago that I will never forget, and that I constantly grow and mature from ever since. I accept losing people who don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore if you think this is a fitting punishment or that it’s better for your own sake.
=============
Some people might say I'm "Only sorry because I got caught", and I guess I am indeed using the occasion of the Twitter thread to come clean about it, though I do believe that I would have talked about it later anyway.
Some people might also say that the timing of me leaving and this popping up is correlated, to which I reply that I've only been made aware of the Twitter thread a few days after my leaving journal (Notice how I wasn't ed in the thread and the capital letters in my name are weirdly placed, I wouldn't even have known a thread was made about me if I hadn't been told about it), and as you can see, I'm "replying" to it only a few weeks later. And for those wondering, of course I wouldn’t be contacted by the thread author before they send the thread, I don’t hold any grudge against this fact because that’s an expected behaviour. The person who was a minor at the time was apparently not contacted before either though, so this thread is a surprise for both of us.
The mistreatment I received from the community did really happen, and the journal about my break was genuinely stating the reasons why I took a break, and to my knowledge, this past mistake wasn't a reason for the mistreatment I received, nor am I thinking and talking negatively about the community to keep that past mistake from being found. Part of me suspects that this thread was made to discredit the negative light I put on the fandom, but I also know that I’m nothing in the community to make people want to « Silence » me, which then just makes me confused as to why this thread was made, especially since the author didn’t even get the « Victim »’s point of view.
I am highly against the idea of minors browsing my content or contacting me, and you may have noticed this line was added to my userpage a few months ago (I had just forgotten to add it until I realised it), and I would prefer to never end up talking with a minor ever again, even if not on fetishy subjects. I do believe that minors shouldn’t be treated like the plague just because of their age, in fact, a big part of my maturity growth over time is thanks to the enlightening conversations I had with actually genuine adult furries while still a minor. But on the other side, I’m aware that I was just lucky to fall on that person who legitimately cared for me, and with the reputation that will now be following me, I want to keep myself as safe as possible.
Finally, I must admit that I did "censor" people who brought this matter up in various ways and places, including unrelated and unwelcome manners. I removed a comment from the person who made the thread on my leaving journal, as it was just a baseless linkless accusation unrelated to the journal, and made just out of malice (Once again, didn't know there was a thread, so I thought he was just trying to kick a sand castle and not actually trying to make a point). I also removed comments from someone who linked the twitter thread on one upload of mine, the aforementioned journal, and in a shout, because I was scared of this getting out with no possibility of defending myself. I also blocked those two people to avoid recidivism. Finally, a third person sent me a shout reacting to the thread. That shout contained false information due to a misunderstanding about it. We talked this through and ended up in good terms, and the shout is now removed. I do think I would have removed that shout even without the misinformation though.
Since 2020 though, I am an upright person and, despite some ultimately harmless arguments happening sometimes, I've got no terrible actions to feel guilty of, and since the beginning of this year, I finally feel at least a little bit of peace IRL. I wouldn't say I'm a particularly happy person, never was and never will be, but thanks to events that happened earlier this year, I'm finally able to walk forward and see a bit of a future waiting for me.
=============
I think you now have all the information needed to understand my mistakes, and its surrounding circumstances, intents, reasoning and aftermath. I'm open to answering questions in the comments, as I really want my case to be as understandable and thought-inducing as possible, for myself, and for others. Please just keep it in the comments of this journal, as it is where all the context to understand the questions is present here for readers.
I will remove comments calling me a pedophile, a predator or a groomer though, as these things are not what I am. I know it is easy to categorize things for the worst, but even for me who wants to come clean about this and agree that what I did was fucked up, these buzzword terms are only applicable to irredeemably frequent predators on the prowl, with no age limit, faith or humanity left in them. These people deserve to burn in the hottest of hells, and I'm not like these human diarrheas. I also add that I’m not attracted to minors, the actions I did were not motivated by the age of these people, as once again, it was just a lack of critical thinking on my part. I also wouldn’t accept any foot content from a person who I knew was under 16 at that time, because I was in a state of mind where «It’s only okay starting from 16»
I will also remove insulting , snarky comments, or made up lies made just to entertain a lynch mob, as they don't provide any insight for readers. Note that a message saying that you're disappointed or stating how bad of a mistake I made isn't considered insulting.
You're also welcome to send me a note if you want to keep it private. I don't recommend contacting me on any of my socials if you don’t already have me as a friend there, as it might quickly become unmanageable for me if too many people do it.
=============
As for my endeavours from now on, I am still in my break from anything furry related, so no art is to be expected, though it did come to my attention that I forgot to put one of my artworks in my last art spam. This artwork is not linking to me only, so I don’t think right now is the best moment to post it, I wouldn’t want to put this person under flames despite them not having done anything wrong. I did change my mind a bit about completely logging off of my accounts and stuff, I figured it wouldn’t be fair to completely leave close and genuine friends behind for reasons they have no control over. So for now, I’ll just be lurking as a spectator. I might not even respond to messages from people I don’t know, but I’ll try not to leave anyone on read, so I can reply to them when I decide to come back.
Once again, I am truly sorry for disappointing so many people, those years that passed after all this mess allowed me to reflect on myself and mature as a person, and I hope that after having come clean about my past, I’ll be able to start a new beginning on this account.
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From what I understand, once in your life you shared kinky contents to a 16 years old person, and I see you recognize that it's bad around 2020 so you stop it.
We all make mistake in our life, so I think it's fair to give you a second chance, especially when you recognize early that what you done is a mistake.
Also, for the "Only sorry because I got caught", I don't see what's the problem, since some people need to get a kick in the ass to recognize what they really done. it could be sad for some people but it's how it's work 🤷
Well, some people feel absolutely no remorse over what they did and only "Apologize" to get out of their current drama. On my side, ever since that mess happened, I've been feeling like an absolute shit about it and been wishing to talk about it for a long time, that's why I brought this subject of "Only sorry because I got caught" part.
It doesn't cancel what I said before, you recognize you done wrong things and you fixed your behavior then. So i still say that it's fairer to give you a second chance.