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[Rant] Show me how to live
3 months ago
Clears throat and talks in french goat
I'm writing this journal out of desperation. Is it normal that I want to kill myself every other day now? I tried throwing subtle hints that I'm not doing well at all because if I just said I need support it wouldn't "Count" idk how to explain it. But it didn't work, it was petty anyway, and despite having been able to explicitly ask for comfort to one person without feeling like it ruins everything, I still can't shake off this wish to die. It's been there for more than 10 years now and always harder and harder and everything's becoming either dull or overwhelming, even the good news. School is almost over finally, but I can't seem to find any sort of happiness from it. My birthday is coming soon, but having to think of an activity to do with my family to celebrate or gifts that I want is too difficult. It's going to be my 25th birthday and apparently it's something special so if I choose wrongly I will miss the occasion???
Right now I'm pushing my friends away. I don't know where to direct my hate and disgust and desperation that I'm feeling right now, I don't want to mess them up, but part of me also want them to manage to save me, I pettily hoped for a feel good movie development where it turns out people noticed and all and am I toxic for that? I can't allow myself to die right now, not when a sick family member needs me, but if they weren't there I would have killed myself a long time ago and I feel so disgusted at myself because my friends are trying their best and I'm here still being sad and I don't want them to thin they're bad friends because they're doing their best and they have their own issues and I can't be there for them either because I'm feeling too sad. I want to leave it's all I want to leave this world so bad, I've been imagining sob stories about how people would react if I was gone but I know that nothing will actually happen. I feel silly for wanting to take a finite decision at once but always backing up last moment. Last year I decided that I would decide to kill myself or not for my birthday but for the reason above I would have never done it anyway so it was just me being edgy
I'm sorry for being so unstable I'm sorry for being so cringily sad all the time, I know that leaving everything would be a positive outcome for all the people I'm tainting and I'm sorry I can't just do that because I'm a coward. Psychologists and therapists are too difficult to find, the last one just told me to go outside and take some sun now I can't trust any of them and the psychiatrist I saw told me I didn't need medication right away. I'll probably be ashamed of this journal and delete it but if someone reads it please help, give me an advice or soemthing please because I can't do this anymore... I probably won't die but that's even worse because I'm living in pain. I'm also expecting this journal to be completely ignored, it's okay if that happens too because I would also deserve it for still feeling sad despite my friends' efforts
Right now I'm pushing my friends away. I don't know where to direct my hate and disgust and desperation that I'm feeling right now, I don't want to mess them up, but part of me also want them to manage to save me, I pettily hoped for a feel good movie development where it turns out people noticed and all and am I toxic for that? I can't allow myself to die right now, not when a sick family member needs me, but if they weren't there I would have killed myself a long time ago and I feel so disgusted at myself because my friends are trying their best and I'm here still being sad and I don't want them to thin they're bad friends because they're doing their best and they have their own issues and I can't be there for them either because I'm feeling too sad. I want to leave it's all I want to leave this world so bad, I've been imagining sob stories about how people would react if I was gone but I know that nothing will actually happen. I feel silly for wanting to take a finite decision at once but always backing up last moment. Last year I decided that I would decide to kill myself or not for my birthday but for the reason above I would have never done it anyway so it was just me being edgy
I'm sorry for being so unstable I'm sorry for being so cringily sad all the time, I know that leaving everything would be a positive outcome for all the people I'm tainting and I'm sorry I can't just do that because I'm a coward. Psychologists and therapists are too difficult to find, the last one just told me to go outside and take some sun now I can't trust any of them and the psychiatrist I saw told me I didn't need medication right away. I'll probably be ashamed of this journal and delete it but if someone reads it please help, give me an advice or soemthing please because I can't do this anymore... I probably won't die but that's even worse because I'm living in pain. I'm also expecting this journal to be completely ignored, it's okay if that happens too because I would also deserve it for still feeling sad despite my friends' efforts
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What I have always admired about you though is that you keep going - you keep pushing through adversity and horrible people and their horrible (or apathetic) actions and keep making something of yourself through your art and impressive coding work. And your words of encouragement and praise carry immense weight to friends like Cat.
I don't know if any one bit of advice can help you feel a little different - perhaps getting several will? From me, I can say that I have always appreciated your honesty, your creativity and help, and your generosity and compassion when it comes to support or uplifting compliments (as Cat would agree). Try, if you can, to remember that positive impact in your life can be just as much about what you do for others as what simply comes your way. You matter to me - to others, and have for many, many years now. :)
You've been through harsh stuff... and this is not YOUR fault in any way. Life can be unfair for sure. Some people have all teh luck, for them life seems to run smoothly from beginning til the end, and for others life can be very difficult with a lot of problems and obstacles. Plus nowadays, with us being literally bombarded by news from even the most remote corners of this planet, life can feel like a roller coaster. Problems everwhere, conflicts everywhere, that also puts a lot of strain on us.
I remember you as a very friendly person, and this alone makes you a damn important person, as our world definitely BADLY needs much more friendly and cool persons, and it's always a joy meeting such individuals. Now knowing more about your difficult past it's even more astonishing that you kept up such a friendly and pleasant side, which shows what a strong person you are. And I have no doubt I am not the only one realizing that. Being there for sick family members even when you yourself don't feel too well underlines your strength and helpfulness, and I rest assure you, people like you are BADLY needed in today's world.
We do live in harsh times currently, the world around us becoming colder and more and more selfish. Personally I find a lot of strength in my characters, like Greer, Cayar and King. These characters play a very important role in my life, they are there for me, they help me to pull through. I am not really someone who trusts in other humans, I really find pleasure and comfort and fun in my chars, who are always near. Perhaps because they are mostly animals with some human features (I don't hold the human species in a very high regard, I confess). This phantasy world of mine is not flawless, it's very close to the real world we are living in. But with friends that I really trust in.
Perhaps this might be a way for you, too. Building your own comfort zone you can escape to when the outside world becomes unbearable. For me it proved to be a great way to find inner peace.
Just know than doing this will just pass the depression to peoples than are close to you ireal and love/appreciate you, you will just make them feel very sad so does its what you want ?
I can't realy talk about your friends or family as I don't know them but what I saw in this journal is than friends already tryed theyr best to help you and if they do it it mean they care about you so no, you are certainly not a mess to deal with otherway they would not even try !
Seem you've tryed therapy but it didn't gave you any good results and unfortunatly I don't know anything else to try other than count on your friends for make you feel better.... But hey don't reject them and accept theyr kindness and help.
Your friends are your best allies after family so if you have any precious buddies than can be here just listen to them and don't isolate yourself :(....
Trust me reject peoples's help and isolate yourself will do all but make you feel better, it even risk to make you feel even worst and make your curant bad thoughts go up and make you closer from the wrong solution....
I wish I could do more but unfortunatly i'm not good with these stuff so its all I can said actualy... sorry to not be helpfull but I hope it will still...make you think better about yourself >÷<...
Just remember suicide is NOT a solution so pleas...don't even try that :(.....you are appreciated there and peoples will be sad, we already lost lot of great artists these last years so pleas...don't join them its all we ask you...
In any case you have all our support here *hug*
I've been there, in the same predicament as you. It's normal to feel lost and worthless but that's not true. Your life matters.
Think about a family member or a dear friend you love. Think about dreams you want to become reality. Cling to those thoughts and they'll give you enough strength to hang on day by day.
I won't lie to you, it's not easy and it takes long. But there will be a moment when hanging on is like breathing: you do it without realizing it.
Don't be afraid to ask for help if you think this is too heavy but, please, don't think about throwing the towel because you'll harm a lot of people.
In fact I just thought about you the weekend and was wondering how you are doing and how the school goes
I am terrible sorry for what you are going through.
Please believe me (and the others here) when I say that we would be incredible sad for you to leave us and this world. The stories and Artworks you create(d) were all absolute gems, the one you did for me I still share around. I know we haven't talked that much, but I definitely enjoyed the times we did. Your level of honesty was always something to admire.
That stuff you experience is NOT your fault, but we live in a world where bad things happen to good guys unfortunately and you are also not the only one who has that burden.
I don't have really any advice except that even though you might have trust issues try to get to other therapists and psychologists until you find one that can truly help you. And next reach out to your friends and people you trust some may have a good advice for you, maybe some know from similar cases. You are still so so young and still have the world to explore or see, so please stay with us! The world would get darker with you gone. 🫂
What other people have said here is absolutely true, we all love you and love what you do, and the world is so much better with you in it.
Even before we started talking your art had an impact on me, and in the time since then I've got to know how thoughtful, encouraging, smart and resilient you are. From what I've seen, your time in the education system has been immensely stressful, so it is something to be proud of that you've made it out the other side despite it all, and are now free to choose what makes you happy.
I really do hope you can find some comfort and advice in these messages, and please don't be afraid to reach out to other people you trust. It will take time to heal and figure things out, but it will be so worth it. Think about all the things you're yet to experience, all the projects and ambitions you have. Do not give up now 🧡
Just keep fightting to defeat your inner demons and persevere in living your life for good
I'm sorry that I can't properly articulate everything that I want to say. I like to sit and carefully ponder things, to the point that even a few days after I say something I'll think that I could've explained it better, or had a better analogy, or a better choice of words. But I can say definitively that I appreciate you. I appreciate your work, your art. I very much appreciated the times that we chatted on Discord and would like to talk more if I could. The fact that these so-called therapists and psychologists that casually brushed you aside are clearly not very good at their job. A cook doesn't ignore hungry customers. A hospital doesn't ignore the sick or injured. Those people shouldn't be ignoring your request for help. And if I could help you a little by talking, then I really want to talk with you again. I know we haven't really talked lately, but I struggle with starting conversation. I'm exactly the same in real world conversation, just the very quiet guy who occasionally adds quips or commentary to the current subject. If there's anything you want to talk about, I'll do my best to be there for ya. I don't want you to be ignored. I don't want you to go away.