This is not a journal about my fursona.
This is a journal about me.
My feeling at this moment in time.

I know I haven't written a journal in 4 years, to be honest, I don't see the point in it, why would I write things down for people not read? But doing this feels like the only way I can get things off my chest without going through the process of talking to someone face to face which I have come to hate.

Growing up I have never had a problem with anxiety, I was always the kid who wasn't afraid of anything, I would go to places I wasn't supposed to, do things I wasn't supposed to and when I fucked up, I would learn from them, but not anymore

So I had a mutual break up with my ex just before Christmas last year, it wasn't anything bad as in we had common ground in both of us thinking that it would be better if we broke up, I'm not questioning any decisions that happened to be honest again, I'm glad we did, I don't resent anybody.

But these last few days, I've felt so...well to put it in simple terms..........lonely and scared, I don't know what to do, my mind is completely all over the place, I can't concentrate, I don't feel......me.

I'm anxious about everything, and I mean everything. I had an episode yesterday where I was scared to even drive my car.
I'm a professional driver by trade and I was scared to even get in, I don't know what's happening, why has this come to me now?

I think maybe after 7 months, the break up is finally getting to me? I don't know, I mean our relationship was 8 years long, I would of been married if it hadn't of been for covid, and what would of happened if it did, I don't know, again I'm scared, I'm scared of every uncertainty. Does this happen when someone has anxiety?

I have also had a lot of problems with confidence, even as a kid, my self esteem is always low, and my self doubt is always sky high, plus if I do something let's say for example I'm taking a driving test, If I do one tiny little thing wrong, that's it I'm thinking about it for the rest of the day, why can't I let it go? And if I make a big mistake then that's it I freeze and then the tears start to flow, I don't know why I do this, it's something that I've done my whole life, I can't help it, do I just want to be perfect all the time? I know it's impossible, where does it come from? These things bring me down even more, and when I start crying, it's the most embarrassing thing ever. Easily stressed?, yeah I am. I'm 27 I don't want to feel like this.