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Living Dead, Breaking Down
2 years ago
Dear Furiends,
Hey everyone. Lately I have not been a good mental health space. I named this journal Living Dead because that is exactly how I feel right now. Im not eating properly (barely eating at all these days), my sleep cycle is shot to Hell (I am awake all night and most of the day, only sleeping in the morning/afternoon and for 3 hours at most)…and I am isolating myself from people. There is a desire to make new furiends…but I am too tired and jaded from experiences that have happened in the last year that it makes it feel like pursuing new relationships of any kind is too much of a hassle. Like…why bother making new friends when the friends I have now I barely put in the effort to maintain?
I fully admit I am not a good friend these days. I admit that I have become rather reclusive, stand-offish, irritable and just not the liolf I know I am. Not getting adequate sleep, not eating (and weirdly enough, not feeling tired or hungry. Hence why I feel like Im a zombie most days) and just overall I feel as though I am mentally breaking down. I dont have direction, no battle plans, no real answer to the question “what do I do now?” Im a liolf who always had a battle plan. Now? It has been a year since my life turned upside down. Im scared about dying…Im scared about the future for myself and my brother and my family. I feel like Im fighting alone and I dont want to trouble others but I am reaching my limits.
Sorry for the rant. I cant afford a therapist right now and I needed to see my thoughts out on paper. Im not suicidal, though Ive battled suicidal depression in the past. Just feels like my body, my life, everything is just foreign to me now. It scares me and Im not sure what to do. Any help or advice is appreciated. Thanks for listening…whoever you are…
I fully admit I am not a good friend these days. I admit that I have become rather reclusive, stand-offish, irritable and just not the liolf I know I am. Not getting adequate sleep, not eating (and weirdly enough, not feeling tired or hungry. Hence why I feel like Im a zombie most days) and just overall I feel as though I am mentally breaking down. I dont have direction, no battle plans, no real answer to the question “what do I do now?” Im a liolf who always had a battle plan. Now? It has been a year since my life turned upside down. Im scared about dying…Im scared about the future for myself and my brother and my family. I feel like Im fighting alone and I dont want to trouble others but I am reaching my limits.
Sorry for the rant. I cant afford a therapist right now and I needed to see my thoughts out on paper. Im not suicidal, though Ive battled suicidal depression in the past. Just feels like my body, my life, everything is just foreign to me now. It scares me and Im not sure what to do. Any help or advice is appreciated. Thanks for listening…whoever you are…
If you wanna vent too, you can always send a message. I'm a good listener.
A lot of what you say your going through feels relatable to stuff I’ve been noticing about myself lately, so you definitely aren’t alone and don’t have to be. I know reaching out is scary sometimes, especially when you feel like you are alone in your struggle and don’t want to bother anyone, but I do believe it’s important to try. You can take your time do get confidant about it if you need to. Don’t rush yourself into it.
And hey, you can consider me as someone to reach out to if you wanna. I’m always good at lending an ear. I can’t offer answers, but I can be there for you. 💚
I've been reading your journals this past year but never felt like a good advisor myself when is about situations I never been through... Yet I apologize for the silence, that's never helpful.
You seem like a great guy; you don't deserve a think that happened to you. But when life has ever been fair with the noble and fair?
Still... life is worth fighting for. You are a strong liolf and I bet you can get through everything they throw to you. And you can always talk to me if you need just to rant. I will do my best to be helpful.
Now, please, eat and sleep properly. Do your best to make it true. And reach out your friends, being alone is not the solution.