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Me, LiveStreaming, and Health
2 years ago
TL/DR; I suck and may continue to suck under increased pressure.
So, a few people have come out and said a few things to me, inquiring about the following:
1. You don’t seem to be making as much art as you used to.
2. You don’t seem to be streaming as much as as you used to.
3. You don’t seem to be around as much anymore.
All of these are absolutely true.
I’m not really all that well and it is just now that I’m able to lift my head out of a dark cloud and see that there is a ton more dark clouds on the horizon coming my way. This has not been a great year for me, job wise, personal wise, or mentally. It started earlier this year and I had something go snap in my brain and I’ve never been the same since. Like, literally -- I heard something go pop in my head. Since that moment, my focus has been shot, my concentration is dead, and it’s hard to really engage in doing – well, anything. Yes, it has been checked by a doctor but they’re really not investing a lot in me in helping isolate this. The effects have been noticeable though: Work noticed that I am merely producing ‘acceptable’ levesl of work which for me was unheard of and caused a small intervention of work with my managers. Giving them my feedback, I was switched to a new role -- to something a little more practical. It’s difficult work but it’s actually somewhat more rewarding. And it will be like this until the layoffs in a month or so – I may or may not be part of that, no one knows, but I’ve had this particular sword of Damocles over my head – and it’s been there for quite some time -- I’d really prefer it if it would either just outright kill me or just go away.
Streaming used to be a joy and something I loved and enjoyed doing – but in the last few months, it’s been distracting and just a burden getting in the way of me producing, well, anything. Don’t get me wrong, I love you all and you’re all awesome – but you’re also distracting with various things that make you all special but regretfully get in the way of me completing the stuff that I want to do. I do have a few patrons that I will do very small group Discord streaming for, when we’re extremely laser focused on a task or a situation – or individual streaming when I need direct feedback on something we’re focused on .. but that’s about all. Outside of that (and this is the majority of the time), it’s just me, myself, and I – and my drawing tablet now. I may return to more public streaming, and perhaps soon, but we’re going to need some strong ground rules if I open things up fully again. If it comes to life and I return; try not to take it personally if I ask people to stop a behavior: I just want to get shit done and I have limited energy now. To be clear: the primary purpose of my streaming is to try to get things done, socialization is absolutely secondary and should be considered a bonus activity.
I am not quite as available anymore because when I am talking with everyone, I’m usually stuck in my office. I live in a small room on the ground floor of my house sometimes 16-18 hours a day … or had been for quite a while and things finally … well, I want to be in that room as little as possible now. So, with the help of my loving household that attempts to keep me together in one piece (and is largely successful) – I manage to get escape time. So, I am not around. I am somewhere – anywhere else – because the studio in which I create, make, and generate all the things is no longer, in many ways, a studio – it’s a prison cell. And not a very fun one.
Also, I am becoming more and more afraid of sharing things that are meaningful to me. It's why I haven't shared in a while: I've been drawing things for ME that I'm almost horrified to share -- although I should. I would be addressing this in therapy except my therapist of 6 years died unexpected and I'm just now re-establishing baseline with a new guy. He's good, but he's not ready for the paraphernalia wagon that is my mind yet.
With that said, I’m trying to be better and trying to fix things. Some of the above are ways to fix it.
-- Tikke Lightfoot
And for all of you, keep being awesome. I still have some duct tape left to keep me going.
So, a few people have come out and said a few things to me, inquiring about the following:
1. You don’t seem to be making as much art as you used to.
2. You don’t seem to be streaming as much as as you used to.
3. You don’t seem to be around as much anymore.
All of these are absolutely true.
I’m not really all that well and it is just now that I’m able to lift my head out of a dark cloud and see that there is a ton more dark clouds on the horizon coming my way. This has not been a great year for me, job wise, personal wise, or mentally. It started earlier this year and I had something go snap in my brain and I’ve never been the same since. Like, literally -- I heard something go pop in my head. Since that moment, my focus has been shot, my concentration is dead, and it’s hard to really engage in doing – well, anything. Yes, it has been checked by a doctor but they’re really not investing a lot in me in helping isolate this. The effects have been noticeable though: Work noticed that I am merely producing ‘acceptable’ levesl of work which for me was unheard of and caused a small intervention of work with my managers. Giving them my feedback, I was switched to a new role -- to something a little more practical. It’s difficult work but it’s actually somewhat more rewarding. And it will be like this until the layoffs in a month or so – I may or may not be part of that, no one knows, but I’ve had this particular sword of Damocles over my head – and it’s been there for quite some time -- I’d really prefer it if it would either just outright kill me or just go away.
Streaming used to be a joy and something I loved and enjoyed doing – but in the last few months, it’s been distracting and just a burden getting in the way of me producing, well, anything. Don’t get me wrong, I love you all and you’re all awesome – but you’re also distracting with various things that make you all special but regretfully get in the way of me completing the stuff that I want to do. I do have a few patrons that I will do very small group Discord streaming for, when we’re extremely laser focused on a task or a situation – or individual streaming when I need direct feedback on something we’re focused on .. but that’s about all. Outside of that (and this is the majority of the time), it’s just me, myself, and I – and my drawing tablet now. I may return to more public streaming, and perhaps soon, but we’re going to need some strong ground rules if I open things up fully again. If it comes to life and I return; try not to take it personally if I ask people to stop a behavior: I just want to get shit done and I have limited energy now. To be clear: the primary purpose of my streaming is to try to get things done, socialization is absolutely secondary and should be considered a bonus activity.
I am not quite as available anymore because when I am talking with everyone, I’m usually stuck in my office. I live in a small room on the ground floor of my house sometimes 16-18 hours a day … or had been for quite a while and things finally … well, I want to be in that room as little as possible now. So, with the help of my loving household that attempts to keep me together in one piece (and is largely successful) – I manage to get escape time. So, I am not around. I am somewhere – anywhere else – because the studio in which I create, make, and generate all the things is no longer, in many ways, a studio – it’s a prison cell. And not a very fun one.
Also, I am becoming more and more afraid of sharing things that are meaningful to me. It's why I haven't shared in a while: I've been drawing things for ME that I'm almost horrified to share -- although I should. I would be addressing this in therapy except my therapist of 6 years died unexpected and I'm just now re-establishing baseline with a new guy. He's good, but he's not ready for the paraphernalia wagon that is my mind yet.
With that said, I’m trying to be better and trying to fix things. Some of the above are ways to fix it.
-- Tikke Lightfoot
And for all of you, keep being awesome. I still have some duct tape left to keep me going.
"gives you a squishy bear hug*
I had an idea which may be more or less difficult to accomplish, but may help some of what you wrote about. I will strongly consider doing it for myself once i'm working again. (I've been out of work since November last year, but that's here not there.) Could you separate your work space from your creative space? Even if it's two different desks in the same room. Use the work desk for work. Then at the end of work, don't use it any more. Switch to the other desk for arting.
Everyone Else: We all benefited from the social aspect of Kyro's livestreams. Chatting about all sorts of stuff while watching Kyro make art was a lot of fun. How about we set up regular {Shye | Zulu Sector | Panoculus | Crimson/Wolfheim | Black Gazza | … } social hours on { Zoom | Discord | … }? Ping me here or on The Quarantine -- Back Room Discord. I'm a Starship Captain; I can make these things happen.