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Not a good combination
2 years ago
Mental Illness and attention. What an awful combination to receive.
Some days, I really just want to disappear from my life, and take away everything good I've ever done. Like a deep, powerful impulse to hurt everyone while destroying myself by taking away any and all goodness I might've possibly sent out into the world.
It's hard to continue sometimes, continually feeling that way, knowing it's spurred on by a diseased spiral caught in my mind, being spun on faster and faster like a steamroller crushing the goodness out of everything until all that's left is flat, ghostly decals of joy, substanceless and wafer thin.
I hope one day I'll stop feeling this way, twisted up by my insanity and my pain, but until then, I'll just keep doing my stupid little dance and jig, trying to create joy when I feel so little of it.
Some days, I really just want to disappear from my life, and take away everything good I've ever done. Like a deep, powerful impulse to hurt everyone while destroying myself by taking away any and all goodness I might've possibly sent out into the world.
It's hard to continue sometimes, continually feeling that way, knowing it's spurred on by a diseased spiral caught in my mind, being spun on faster and faster like a steamroller crushing the goodness out of everything until all that's left is flat, ghostly decals of joy, substanceless and wafer thin.
I hope one day I'll stop feeling this way, twisted up by my insanity and my pain, but until then, I'll just keep doing my stupid little dance and jig, trying to create joy when I feel so little of it.
Though I did delete almost all of my twitter gallery the other night, because of the upcoming privacy policy changes. So I think that ritual put me deep back into this feeling.
Everything on the inside is just...noise. Meaningful noise from time to time, but most of the mental illness thoughts are at the end of their day, noise. Maybe it's the kind of noise I could dance to though. What I do is going to mean alot more.
And I don't mean performative happiness, I mean: the dance is to create happiness, or goodness, or something more. Doing what I do despite the thoughts and feelings that come from the diseased spiral. Most if not all of the goodness in my life has come from me doing what I do against the negative thoughts to bring people into my life.
Like a faithful ritual.