Okay so. I don't really know how to start this. I never really made a post like this anywhere, nor did I talk to someone about this openly

I am in a foreign country, I have no job, no friends no anything, all is left behind. My menthal healf is declining, I feel like it's the matter of time when the physical one breaks loose as well. I'm not trully alone, I live with my mother. We renting a small flat. Well, she does. Is all I have really. And so, our relationship is is getting worse and worse. Before the full scale war I was studying and as one can imagine I had to abandon university as we moved to a different country. We moved to the Turkey at first, and it was decided to stay in there for maximum of 1 or so years. At that time my thought was is to find whatever online courses and try to make mone online somehow. Maybe draw art or whatever. Despite the roadblocks like payment systems, tax, etc. Yeah. It didn't worked out. The online courses, which I yet to finish btw, didn't payed off. I didn't get employed or promoted despite the progress I made. And, these courses has become a subject of judgment/punishment whatever you call it. Like, the only thing she cares is the money. And the progress bar. (in the course) And I get it, I'm desperate too. But I don't get it how can she care so little about anything else. I was drawing for study for like, 6h a day 5 days a week. Then up to 8h. She comes back, asks what did I do today, I show her, she says "you could've done better", "that's not enough", "I don't like it" and so on. At first I couldn't care less, or so I told myself. The pressure started to creep in. At first it was just me drawing, with bad/heavy thoughst, (like, thoughts about what she says, or about recent argues. Then it got to the point where I can't even start working on study drawings at all, just from fear of getting another panic attack from these thoughts. It's very draining. It's already day 2, I just can't do anything. I feel numb. I just can't cope any longer with the fear and emotions I get from yelling that I spent 8 hours drawing this stupid study material to hear it's not enough. It just doesn't have any meaning to me anymore. I tried motivating myself with "it will get me hired" and so on but it's not enough anymore. Besides mom, I also have my own issues, like lack of motivation or overfixating, inability to plan and prioritize, bad sleep schedule or lack thereof. I struggled with all of this pretty much my whole life. In school, university and now. No one gave a single fuck about my problems in school, or even had a single though why I was like this. And now, when I ask myself about these same issues, they get downplayed by my own mom. "your brain is completely fine. You have nothing to worry about. You was lazy in the past, now you just have to work hard to change it". Like, how the fuck do you even know if I never got diagnosed? She can't explain why I can't sleep at nights even when physically exhausted. She can't explain why I forget to brush my damn teeth. Or why I may literally starve untill I finish something, or stress. Why I can't just do something I just mentioned. Anyway. I only have "online" friends atm, and, I wouldn't talk to them about this whole mess myself. But I had enough times people say "you migh have adhd" "you might have autism" "you definitely should get therapy/diagnosing" And, at some point I stopped denying and talked to my mom about getting therapy. I can't say if it's helping, but the guy started from "I'm not a person who can diagnose, I'm a counselor. You might want to find someone else" My mother persisted. I don't have any issues, again, I'm just lazy she says. These "fake" friends (in regard of online friends; The IRL people I can talk only online, people I met online who I know for a long time) are qoute: "Just as lazy as you, they're stupid nerds that don't know what are they talking about. Just like you" end qoute. She threatened to isolate me at some point. Mainly includes cutting off the internet so I can't communicate with friends I have. Bruh. Whatever, the main reason I even wrote this whole mess is

Again, that I'm crying for help. I just don't know what to do. The courses probably won't make me any profit, and I am yet to finish them (it's like half a year left). I can't recieve mony directly from commissions, only via friends. I also have no clue how do I even gain some people to them to buy stuff. I just don't know what to do. I'm open to do collabs or whatever we can think of some benificial help I don't know

I would appriciate any help. If you know where I can get mental care in Belgrade, plese let me know. Or if you want to draw something together. It won't be in vain