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Talking to the void again
a year ago
*sigh*
Oh god where do I even start
As much as I hate talking to the void, I feel so much better just typing this crap out. Just so I don't spin those thoughts in my head over and over. I am also kinda pissed by people or places that, you think are precisely suitable to talk about heavy/deep topics but end up sending you off or straigh up ignoring you
I've been struggling with the fear of leaving no mark, or, fading as a nobody. This just sounds like an insanely task actually, there's literally technology to talk to fucking people from all other the goddamn world, but here I am. Ever since I drew a first ever doodle of a RIO parrot and got a "I like that" reply from a friend, I got addicted to this shit. I wanted to draw more to get those reactions. A few years later me and a bucnh of my close buds started groups where we would post our art. Cat warriors, Balto, Fox in the hood and so on. It was so fucking hurting to see everyone but me grow audiences, get interactions and stuff. "Well, I'm not good enough yet, but I'll keep trying" I said. For about ugh 4 or 5 years untill I burned out. Ofcourse I did lol. Sadly, it got me so bad I didn't just stopped posting my art but completely stopped doing it
I tried myself in other things like music, 3D moddeling and what else but ultimately, returned to digital art. And I had like 2 years to think about it thoroughly, why I came back, why I still wanna do it, what my strategy now and so forth. I said; "I came back to express myself, because I want to have a good time in the process of making art, and my strategy is to focus on telling a story while getting better at fundamentals" And I really want to believe in those words. I still do. However, I'm still haunted by this "I'm not good enough. I'm getting no traction because I'm no special. I'm not good enough" And this "not good enough" or "I didn't try hard enough" is the one of a buzz kill. No other words can throw my mood so quick so hard. And I know I came a long way, I know being such a nuisance to myself I'm trying my best with every piece that I make, those words are still hurting because of that feeling that it doesn't fucking matter how good I got or how good I'm going to get. Part of me is really afraid of going the same path many of creative people, sadly, went. I'm really afraid that even when I get to the top of the mountain, this feeling of emptiness won't go away. A few weeks ago I stumbled on a FA page of a furry artist of my childhood. One that really got me inspired to get into the furry stuff. I liked every re-shared art of their but I didn't knew what FA was even. At some point, I forgot about them. Back to the rediscovering them again, at first, it gave so much warmth and nostalgia, only to get ruined by realising that there's another tragedy involved. They went such a long journey, they were incredibly popular at a time and still considered the staple of community. Yet, they have not found happines in all of this. As much as I hate projecting others on myself, I'm just so afraid to go this way
Anyway
Don't really know how to end this yapping, ughhhh whatever I just refuse to believe I'm alone like this struggling with that kind of shit
Oh god where do I even start
As much as I hate talking to the void, I feel so much better just typing this crap out. Just so I don't spin those thoughts in my head over and over. I am also kinda pissed by people or places that, you think are precisely suitable to talk about heavy/deep topics but end up sending you off or straigh up ignoring you
I've been struggling with the fear of leaving no mark, or, fading as a nobody. This just sounds like an insanely task actually, there's literally technology to talk to fucking people from all other the goddamn world, but here I am. Ever since I drew a first ever doodle of a RIO parrot and got a "I like that" reply from a friend, I got addicted to this shit. I wanted to draw more to get those reactions. A few years later me and a bucnh of my close buds started groups where we would post our art. Cat warriors, Balto, Fox in the hood and so on. It was so fucking hurting to see everyone but me grow audiences, get interactions and stuff. "Well, I'm not good enough yet, but I'll keep trying" I said. For about ugh 4 or 5 years untill I burned out. Ofcourse I did lol. Sadly, it got me so bad I didn't just stopped posting my art but completely stopped doing it
I tried myself in other things like music, 3D moddeling and what else but ultimately, returned to digital art. And I had like 2 years to think about it thoroughly, why I came back, why I still wanna do it, what my strategy now and so forth. I said; "I came back to express myself, because I want to have a good time in the process of making art, and my strategy is to focus on telling a story while getting better at fundamentals" And I really want to believe in those words. I still do. However, I'm still haunted by this "I'm not good enough. I'm getting no traction because I'm no special. I'm not good enough" And this "not good enough" or "I didn't try hard enough" is the one of a buzz kill. No other words can throw my mood so quick so hard. And I know I came a long way, I know being such a nuisance to myself I'm trying my best with every piece that I make, those words are still hurting because of that feeling that it doesn't fucking matter how good I got or how good I'm going to get. Part of me is really afraid of going the same path many of creative people, sadly, went. I'm really afraid that even when I get to the top of the mountain, this feeling of emptiness won't go away. A few weeks ago I stumbled on a FA page of a furry artist of my childhood. One that really got me inspired to get into the furry stuff. I liked every re-shared art of their but I didn't knew what FA was even. At some point, I forgot about them. Back to the rediscovering them again, at first, it gave so much warmth and nostalgia, only to get ruined by realising that there's another tragedy involved. They went such a long journey, they were incredibly popular at a time and still considered the staple of community. Yet, they have not found happines in all of this. As much as I hate projecting others on myself, I'm just so afraid to go this way
Anyway
Don't really know how to end this yapping, ughhhh whatever I just refuse to believe I'm alone like this struggling with that kind of shit
Dunno if this is an acceptable reply. We are all different, stuck in different situations.
Everything in my life kinda sucks rn. Except art, it's the best thing I am at and I'm genuinely enjoying it. I just can't see myself doing anything else, I've tried many times. I wanna draw, I wanna get people inspired, I wanna talk with people about these pixels, to make us smile or argue about whatever, I want to be a part of this community, to be in motion of some sort, and, tell a storry about struggles I have. Because again, I believe I'm not the only one like that, and perhaps this could make someone similar an easier time getting through this mess. Really I'm just too afraid to leave no trace
Makes me think of how I felt, when I left the city I studied art in. Leaving that hotspot and all my artist connections made me feel like going to die in obscurity in some no-where place. And I never entered a "real" art job or made cool freelance projects or did a local gallery show. I just do niche furry art. :/ But that's what makes me happy most. But I still felt alone and like a nobody.
I solved it a bit, by nurturing some old irl connections with yearly visits. And I started a Drink&Draw meetup in my nearest city where we just hang out in a restaurant and scribble and talk. To my surprise 7-8 people regular attended those. It helped aganst feeling isolated and meaningless. But it takes the proper environment and some courage to start that...
Anyway either way, I can relate very much. :') And still think I must do something "bigger" and more meaningful with my life and my art. It is a struggle