Howdy toons, it's been a while since I dropped some awkward, reflective thoughts. I've had a particular thought spinning for the last two months regarding Inspiration & Others. More precisely, I've been experiencing extreme bouts of lack of motivation to draw despite clear abundances of desire to draw and how those emotions interact with the way I socialize, or rather don't as of late. This sorry state exacerbates itself when I recall the youthful exuberance of being 10 years younger and drawing like mad everyday. Sadly, everyone experiences this...withering feeling towards their passions with age, I think, some sooner than others and all in varying weights. But there's something more beyond that general malaise of aging impacting one's ease of impulse to create, and it's that little bit beyond that I want to talk about.

It wasn't just that I was younger and therefore more lively that made me draw so much in a day, day to day almost every day for months on end. It was horniness. No wait, I'm kidding!(mostly)

I was talking with alot more people back then, and regularly talked with friends far more frequently. And I streamed, talking with people quite regularly there and met many people. And all those conversations created moments of joy, conflict, and connection are a huge part of what inspired me to create so many things. Especially things I never would've thought to create, but on occasion even more especially unexpected things that I would come to cherish deeply through my years. ...At a certain point through those years I sunk myself into the horrible comfort that I've had enough of casually allowing new people near me. Being "on the spectrum", it was easy to convince myself to get comfy with that idea.

But that idea was poisonous, it just felt alot more comfortable in comparison to dealing with the overwhelming force of charisma that is other living, thinking beings. The poison poised me with poor posture towards people, slowly sapping me even further of my mental fortitude while also rotting my emotional health. So I feel damned if I socialize, damned if I don't...

Clearly, I have a problem with moderating my engagement healthily. Because I do want to engage with people, I'm just terrified of others, and scared of myself for how I'll handle it all. I burn myself out terrifyingly often, and do extremely foolish things sometimes when I'm all ashes.

When I was younger I hoped handling this feeling would get easier, but time has taught me well. Now that I'm older, I think, "I should've gotten good at playing with others when I was young." It would've been that easy, I imagine against all reason. ...Perhaps it would've, in a different life.

But I'm living this life, and I'm here doing this, because it's just what I like to do, against all reason. And I like being able to share that with others and celebrate the absurdity that is what we enjoy together.

So I'm going to try streaming again, -that's right this was all an advertisement! Get BONKED, fools! But seriously, thank you so much for reading this far.

My goal is to stream every friday afternoon for a few hours at https://picarto.tv/JARDToons to draw whatever.

Also, this year I would like to do a monthly YCH picture. This month's is a group picture, and next month's will be a group picture too. Next month I'm thinking of the theme of a factory flattening.I think I've got alot of fun ideas to explore some settings in my mind with group YCH pictures.

(Also I'm still only dump posting every month or so unless it's a YCH)

To return to the topic, though...

People and friendships are just terrifying and difficult, as much as they are exciting, as well as chaotic for some, and at times. But people really do breed life in one another, and it's important to cherish the genuine spark of life being with others creates. Even if it's...harder to feel the warmth of...or even see at times.

I think it would be worth being around people more often. But not too often. Just keep your distance, you wild animals! I know what you're all into! I'm afraid!