So, its been a long time since ive done a journal. Let alone had the drive or incentive to make one i thought was worth posting.

But this has been rattling around in my head for a while and its about time i put it down.

I'm tired of feeling alone. I have never felt so worthless in my life, but its just a collective series of events happening that has led me to feel so unimportant that it hurts.

This isnt Post con depression talking but going to FURther CONfusion opened my eyes to a few things that just felt like a punch in the gut.

Nobody cares.

I have all these contacts and people i enjoy being around, who ask me to text and talk anytime, yet when i do the response time varies between a few days to a few months, to never again UNTIL the next con comes up a year later.

Even then, when we run into one another its like "hey omg i miss you, yeah text me anytime we can hang out" and that will be the last time i hear from them until the next year.

You lie, you never cared, you created false promises and made me feel like im just an occasional bump in but nothing more.

All my actual friends have moved out to other states or further cities away. My closest friend is 90 minute drive away and he is one of the few in my life that actually gives a damn about me, texts, calls, invites , and cares. He is one of few people holding me back from just exploding.

I have always been a social person, usually im the one that initiates conversations. I dont pretend to be anything other than myself.
Is it too much to ask to feel wanted? To have someone think, "hey maybe i should text that guy "

i can count on ONE hand the amount of people that i know that do this. Not counting my husband (hi babe i know you are reading this i love you)

but its like just my very presence is ignored, my time is valuable and im not gonna play to this bullshit anymore.

Im planning to go through a purge of contacts, because im not going to keep holding hope. If someone wants to find me they will.

Im tired of having to be the one that initiates every interaction or text/conversation.

I even went through my old gallery and found a picture from 12 years ago, that had my emotions at the time.

Suffice to say while it HAS changed, (and some stuff on there was scary, i was in a darker place) other things, havent changed at all.

Said image : https://www.furaffinity.net/view/5614687/

sure it was cringe 12 years ago, but you can see the pain simple as it was.

whatever im done now... i'll see who cares.