So its been a while, and ive had plenty of time to see my life in the mirror. It's led me to have a sort of epiphany, not a pleasant one at that.

I suppose some precursor should give context.

Im a pleaser.

I was raised and shown to put everyone else above yourself, even if its detrimental to yourself. I've been doing this my whole life thinking that it was how to make friends.
Almost like i had to pay for peoples attention and friendship. I've been doing this for a long time and i thought i had stopped. But it just took a different form.
In grade school i was never likable, always bullied and picked on because i was weird. Struggling with control over ADHD before i was even diagnosed with a brain SPECT imaging scan.
It makes sense if i think about it, i probably wouldnt want to be friends with me either, i was **weird** . But that isolation and seclusion from groups and social interaction left me wanting the very thing i was shown i couldnt have. When i look at myself now i can say i have about 5 friends who i could trust with my life (excluding my husband who is 100% there for me).
And i mean friends that would drop everything to help me if i was in a tight spot and rush over.
Im grateful to have those people in my life because it would have been impossible for me find any reason to be around on this planet anymore otherwise.

Life was dark for me growing up, and between getting beaten consistently at school and getting beaten at home, it left the impression in my mind that nobody wanted me around unless it was to take advantage of my naivety. Child protective service didnt help me at all when i got taken from my mother at a young age. I got put in a place i dont even wish upon my worst enemy. The experiences i had in that place are among the few that occasionally still haunt my nightmares. Suffice to say i had another chain of emotions feeling not wanted, i began to question what was wrong with me. Was bullied more for being there, had food stolen, jumped while sleeping, and many other things i cant forget. But also crying myself to sleep to the question " why me?" Why was all this happening to me? I've been nothing but a nice person i was raised to be, but it seemed i was just the punching bag for the world.

However, it did toughen me.

Taught me that nobody was going to be there for me except myself.

Got this new mentality, that i have to do it all myself. Cant take help because i couldnt trust anyone not to stab me in the back. I worked hard, got through highschool and a year of college, still hesitant to trust anyone. But it was at this time i was tired of always being on guard so i decided to try opening up to a single person, who is now married to me <3. This helped my mentality improve greatly and gave me motivation to keep going.

Now at 19 years old i finally had someone who could reciprocate my feelings and wanted me around, which was a first. It was a new intoxicating feeling i felt i would give anything for more of.
I worked hard from here on, got job after job to climb the financial ladder to be able to support myself. Finally having the self confidence to say that im worth it and i deserve to be happy, to be loved.

Fast forward to now, i have a job that supports living in our area, living with my husband, doing decent enough in life.

Except, i realized ive fallen back into old habits in lack of social interaction.

Most friends i did have either moved soo far away its not plausible to see them on a regular basis.
One moved to Arkansas, another moved 2 1/2 hours away, one went into the Navy and wont be out for 6~8 years, one is working all the time and our schedules rarely allow time together, and the last is an hour and a half drive away, but now has a girlfriend thats been occupying his time now.
Add this to working from home alone for years including the 2020 lockdown. I went a little crazy starved for interaction.
So ive been trying the same thing i was shown to do at a young age, provide for other people. Dont care about yourself, just make others happy. Buying peoples affection and friendship.
I just want to feel appreciated, thought about, remembered. I've been trying to make new friends for quite a while, people i get along with at various jobs ive had, schoolmates, etc.

I had to tell myself that what i was doing wasnt working, i was throwing the label of "Friend" around too loosely at people i thought cared. When in fact... NOBODY CARES.
Is it soo hard in these times to make a friend? Everyone either introverted as hell, doesnt have time, or doesnt want to be friends.

Im a simple, honest and kind person. I just want a friend i can go and hang out with, talk about my day, go do things and have fun. Some form of regular interaction.
I go through the internet daily (as one does in the fandom) and frequently find pictures or videos that trigger my mind to go " hey XXXXX would love this" or " XXXXX would find this funny".
Still thinking about other people all the time, and it comes to my point, that hardly anyone in my social circles thinks about me.

Am i just putting too much effort in? Am i just forgettable? Is something wrong with me? Am i doing it wrong? Did i say the wrong thing?

These questions attack me again for the first time in many years and i am not happy.

Is it soo much to ask to be thought about on occasion? Or appreciated for what i DO.
I dont even feel appreciated at my job despite breaking my ass to get a lot done.

Feeling that nobody cares has kind of broken me, so now im in the mindset to not care. And i can feel a part of me that i love fading back into that darkness that swallowed me as a kid.

IDK if this all even makes sense i just needed to get it out.

Whatever. TL:DR fuck you

(yes husband i know you see this, none of this applies to you)