First of all, happy 2024. I hope your year has started out better than mine. Lord knows that mine has basically crashed on takeoff like a Max 9 30k feet in the air, with all hands lost.

I wish I could preface this with just how refreshing my holiday trip to the tropics was, but it's only been a week and a half back home and after this bout of drama I honestly want to go the fuck back. But as I will elaborate, seems like I cannot escape from drama no matter where I am on this beautiful planet.

Let's talk about the elephant in the room.

Or in this case, the grizzly that is writhing in agony after having been doused in gasoline and set ablaze.

I lost more friends in the first week of 2024 than I've ever lost ever since the pandemic. And all that because of something I never asked to be a part of, but what's happened has happened and I cannot do anything to change it.

It all centers around an ex friend who I will refer to as Pyro (all names have been changed for the sake of the involved), as well as a once loyal sidekick who I'll refer to as Jay.

Jay and I met around the beginning of 2022 when I complemented the style of a particular work of art he did, one that I thought was pretty emotionally powerful. We shared common interests, particularly FNaF, and he liked my extensive level of detail regarding worldbuilding. We became fast friends, and I asked him to introduce me to his friends.

He wasn't initially certain, but he acceded to my request and soon, I joined Pyro's group. Now, Pyro and I had a past falling out long before I met Jay, revolving around my inability to verify my age at the time (this will be very important). Pyro forgave easily though and I soon integrated myself into the community, though there were a few bumps in the road. Lord knows that I've said and done things that made some of the moots uncomfortable, leading them to block me and myself to respond in kind. If you are one of those moots, I just want to express my apologies. Not that it matters in the end, though, as will become all too apparent.

Fast forward to my trip. I was enjoying myself in Bali when I received word that Pyro had to expel one of my lesser acquaintances (let's call him Blue) because Blue had been acting weird to minors. I still remember exactly what I said in response.

"Even on the other side of the world I can't escape [friend group] drama lol"

Evidently not...

Had I only known that it would all come crashing down almost the moment I returned home....

The first sign of trouble came to me on instagram, funnily enough. Jay posted something on his instagram that immediately caught my attention and so I came to his dms immediately asking for an explanation. That is when he threw a total bombshell that shattered everything I knew about him:

"There’s too much evidence that I can’t find myself staying w/ [Pyro] any longer.

Needless to say, I was confused and beyond mortified, so I pressed Jay to explain further. As I understand it, Pyro had gotten involved with grooming allegations raised by his former friends, leading Jay to distance himself. He also said that he had made some mistakes of his own, which he had claimed he was taking steps to take accountability for, and so he had made the decision to eschew all social media save for his friends. I then asked him whether I was still among those friends. His response was the first sign that things had already gone past the breaking point:

"Not really much has happened between us but our relationship feels kinda distant for no reason, tbh."

I should have known then and there that it was over. I wanted to believe otherwise, I wanted to give him a chance, and he did agree to that. I told him that I would make it up to him and I meant that at first.

Not even a day would pass before things truly went south between us.

I made the mistake of looking up this drama on, of all places, Twitter. It was there that I saw just how badly things had deteriorated. Everyone was blaming everyone else and emotions were most high strung.
On a side note, allow me to introduce two figures who were of central importance to the whole debacle. I will refer to them as Heidi and Vlad. Heidi had some... problems. She hated Pyro with a passion, at the very minimum since 2021 (which was also the year the two of us had a falling out). She said all sorts of things about him that seemed unbelievably outlandish, and when Jay introduced me to Pyro in mid fall 2022, I did admit that Pyro and I were at an arms' length because of her opinions about him.

Back then, Pyro and I had a complicated past; you see, in 2020 I had joined a server run by his SO who I will refer to as Frost, but due to a key misunderstanding, I failed to verify that I was not a minor and so they kicked me out and cut ties. Jay was the one to vouch for me and allow me to get back in Pyro's good graces, though I never quite made up with Frost. Not that it mattered, Pyro and I became fast friends just like I had done with Jay.

Almost immediately Pyro showed himself to be forgiving and personable and we shared lots of stories and laughs together. Sometimes I would also vent to him about problems in my life, and he would always be the voice of reason that would cool me down (ironic considering the nature of his FNaFsona). Hell, he'd been like that since we first met. And in the beginning, it was good. Now, I will be the first to admit, I was nowhere near perfect. The fact that this was around the time I was frequently on Twitter may have contributed to my hotheadedness, and that often got on his nerves. He was the kind of person who believed that it was better to wait things out and let the dice fall where they may, rather than act now and potentially get ourselves into trouble in the process for no good reason. In fact, the more I hung out with him, the more sincere he felt. He never got into any discussions of an NSFW nature with me throughout our time together, and all around he seemed like the kind of friend I needed at that time of my life. He had this, as he put it, "desire to help 'fix' people" that in part motivated his attitude towards others.

I became convinced that Heidi's assertions about him were nothing more than vicious libel borne out of a bad emotional falling out. On that note, Pyro ALSO wanted nothing to do with Heidi, even asking me to stop "talking about [Heidi], I don't even want to think of them by accident anymore," and that "They've done enough to my other friends, and enough to me"

Vlad was another former friend of Pyro's, though we never really spoke. What I do know is that by the time I had gotten to know Jay and Pyro, Vlad had long blocked me, presumably on Heidi's advice. Pyro had noticed this and at least at the time we had reconnected, Pyro and Vlad were still on good terms. Between then and now however, they too had a falling out, and what Vlad claimed the reason behind this was truly disturbing. According to Vlad, Pyro groomed him in a sexual manner when Vlad was still a minor. As I understand it, the two of them had indeed engaged in NSFW chats (which Vlad for the most part initiated), though at the time Pyro had remained ignorant of Vlad's actual age, and even then had not been diligent or courageous enough to end things right then and there upon learning the truth.

Vlad's idea of kicking off the new year was to, through a proxy, release a statement on Twitter going into considerable detail about what he alleged Pyro did, essentially labeling Pyro as a groomer-HIS groomer.

To say that chaos ensued was an understatement.

The impact was absolutely devastating. A once-cohesive unit basically fell apart almost instantaneously, with multiple once-trusted and loyal companions resigning en masse and scattering into the wind, sometimes even outright turning on Pyro altogether, blaming him for the catastrophe. I was in the midst of it all and was forced to take the reins in order to avoid complete anarchy (something that Heidi somehow discovered despite this not being announced to anyone outside the server). It was as if a jar of acid had been thrown and aimed at Pyro, but shattered all over the entire community at large, showering everyone in corrosive chemicals and shards of broken glass. I don't blame the others for leaving... NO ONE wants to be associated with a groomer. Friends became enemies on the spot, and there were basically four different factions: people who did not believe Vlad's claims at all and sided with Pyro, people who completely shunned Pyro and disowned him, people who chose not to say anything but left to save their own skin, and people who abstained from casting judgment at all and stayed in the server, waiting for the truth to settle. I belonged to the last group... Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about Jay.

Almost the MOMENT he left, Jay immediately denounced Pyro on Twitter and even put together a YouTube video mocking the entire ordeal (which even Vlad thought was in poor taste). He outright shouted that he blames himself for "foolishly believing in [Pyro] and for what he has done, [Jay] would NEVER forgive [Pyro] for this." And I will admit, that was the moment I finally lost control of my emotions. I knew right then and there that it would no longer be possible for Jay and I to remain friends. My last words before I finally unfriended him on discord:

"I think it's time we see other people"

Up to that point I had held onto the hope that I could still remain friends with Jay "if given the chance." The moment I saw what he had to say on Twitter, I was wholly convinced that Jay had blown his last chance at salvaging any form of friendship between him and myself. What I found truly ironic to the point of hypocrisy was that Jay had JUST been called out for similar behavior before this happened (he had compiled a hit list of people who had blocked him and when this was revealed, he was rightfully called out on it for his petty and immature behavior) and to me it seemed as if he had learned nothing from the remonstrations he had received as a result.

I quickly published a statement on Twitter that effectively announced that I was cutting Jay loose, and that this was not due to any resentment I may have held against Jay, but only because I could not see a future with myself remaining his friend. What I did not announce publicly was my precise motivation and this is paraphrased from private conversations with other friends as follows:

The main reason I decided to break things off with Jay is that he was so quick to turn on Pyro even though they had known each other for longer than I had gotten to know either of them. Also, I believed that, despite being called out for being petty about compiling that blocklist beforehand, he showed no remorse for this behavior and failed to convince me that he was taking the steps he claimed to take in order to change and become a better person. I wholly believed that he would only repeat this kind of behavior in the future.

Furthermore, if Jay could turn on someone he claims he has been friends with for years so easily, then I knew that it was only a matter of time before he decided to turn on me as well. After all, I did not immediately side with him and denounce Pyro, because I knew that if I did so I would be lying to everyone just to save face. That alone would give Jay more than enough reason to decide that it was not worth keeping me around as a friend. After all, who wants to remain a friend with a person who would support a groomer? I believed that siding and staying with Jay would only lead to a much uglier heartbreak in the distant future, so I decided right then and there to take myself off the playing field and explain in detail to him why I did so. He deserved at least that kind of closure while it was still possible to do so in a calm and composed manner.

It can be stated that grief and trauma have five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Typically, denial entails an inability to come to terms with the truth, instead clinging to a false, preferable reality. Another important detail is that this is the stage where some might isolate themselves and avoid others who have accepted what is happening. That phase had just ended... the next was about to rear its ugly head.

After I had cut off Jay, my emotions turned from shock to incomprehensible rage. And obviously my one target was Vlad. Tensions were already high between myself and Vlad because of what happened between me and Heidi, and he had to have resented the fact that I was best buddies with Pyro. After this incident, however, I had only one goal in mind: to make sure that Vlad and their entire community got to experience everything that I blamed them for putting us through. I completely blamed them for being the reason why Jay and I could no longer be friends. I blamed them for handling the situation in a way that threw everyone else under the bus when we had no idea about this drama. I blamed them and their cronies for putting a target on my back regarding something that I had nothing to do with just because I did not immediately kiss their boo-boos in front of everyone. I blamed them for taking away from me something truly precious: the ability to rest in the assurance that my friends, no matter how close, could be trusted to be honest with me through thick and thin, and that my friends would not immediately disown me for some trumped up reason when it became convenient for them. In my mind, Vlad threw acid upon all of us and harmed me personally in a way that could never heal. I wanted Vlad to feel the pain I felt a hundredfold and was willing to do anything to make sure that happened, no matter who else I hurt in the process. I literally did not care that I could be potentially ruining SO many lives just so that I could get even. I even did not care if what I did posed a threat to all of FNaF itself, even if I hurt Scott Cawthon in the process.

That's where I ultimately fucked up.

I blasted Vlad on Twitter in a series of hateful Tweets in the native language of my parents using Google Translate (because somehow I thought that they wouldn't try to translate even if they were able to see my vents). I said a wide variety of reprehensible things I should never have said, and shall not repeat here, but what I can say is that I completely let my anger take control and said some of the vilest things I could possibly think of at the time. I thought that since Vlad and I were mutually blocked, they would not see the replies in question and that I was simply yelling into the wind. I was wrong.

I was immediately dogpiled upon for my remarks, particularly from those who were directly involved such as Heidi, Vlad, Heidi's friend (who I refer to as Lucky), and Vlad's SO (who I will refer to as Agate). Most of the replies were basically warning everyone to "please report and block this weirdo" because I was "defending a groomer" and that they "do NOT condone anything they've said towards the victims of [Pyro]", that it was "disgusting that [I] would wish harm upon them and continue to back up [Pyro]." Many TRULY believed that I actually supported Pyro and that I held Pyro "at such a high regard," which was apparently more important to me than "trusting [my] friend's change of judgment." Others thought it was "funny seeing [me] having tantrums cuz hes not friends with [Jay] aymore" and pointing out how pathetic it was that I was at least 30 years old, a "grown ass man", and saying stuff like this. Some of THE most insulting replies outright called me a total idiot for choosing to abandon Jay, saying that "[I] literally didn't have to" and that I "just have to follow him and ... don't have to end [my] friendship with [Jay]", as if I had not already considered where that would lead to.

Looking back at it all, I will only say this: I reacted in a way that was completely inexcusable. I should have known that I would come off in a very, very bad light and that I would be seen as supporting the actions of a groomer and disregarding the validity of their victim's experience. That was never my intention and I am truly sorry I reacted so poorly in the face of these events. Nothing I can do can erase the impression that FNaF Twitter as a whole has of me, and nothing I can do or say can ever earn their forgiveness.

Incidentally, when Pyro discovered what I had done, he was truly mortified that I would go to such unhinged lengths in my anger. He thus did something that I found truly ironic, and formally cut me loose and expelled me from his friend circle, exactly as I had done to Jay. Pyro outright told me that I have "made things more difficult for [him] already with [my] rampaging online, [my] frequent mentions of violence and everything in the server", that he did not have much of a choice anymore, and that he could not let me stay. To my credit, I took this graciously because at least Pyro chose to go the high road and be honest with me about why he chose to do what he did, just as I had done to Jay. And I cannot fault him for that.
Where does this leave me then? What do I do now? And to those questions I say I do not know. What I do know is that I will no longer be using Twitter for any practical applications. I believe that it is not worth fighting for or saving and I am wasting my time and poisoning my mental health just by remaining on there. I have already privated my account, and once I download a copy of all my data, I plan on permanently deactivating altogether.

As for those who have been watching me throughout this whole debacle, I have some statements I wish to make:

To Jay:

I am truly sorry things had to end this way. We both made our fair share of mistakes and I completely understand if you have every reason to abandon me now. I certainly have proved to everyone that I cannot be trusted to provide the support you need during this trying time. I can only hope that time eventually heals the two of us and that maybe, maybe, we can start over anew one day.

To Pyro:

You have my sincerest apologies for my role in all of this. I never wanted to be involved, and I made some truly reprehensible decisions in my anger. I completely understand why you chose to expel me and why you want nothing to do with me anymore. You were right, I have not been making any of this easy on you.

That said, I do not condone at all what happened between you and Vlad. I think you both made some critical mistakes and failed to ask questions or stop things when you had the obligation to. However, I still do not believe that your actions make you a groomer and a risk to minors at the core. I know how hard you have worked to ensure that your server is safe for minors and how strict you have been in regulating accordingly. I just wish that people believed that and gave you the opportunity to change for the better. After all, that's all we can do at this point.

To Vlad:

I cannot pretend to know how deeply you are suffering and how necessary you believed it was to expose Pyro accordingly. I am sorry that I acted so reprehensibly on Twitter and I am sorry that I allowed my hatred to reach such unhinged levels. I never condoned or supported what Pyro did, and I still don't. My friends can attest to where I stand on the topic of exposing minors to adult material and grooming them, and I detest the acts of knowingly engaging with a minor in such a fashion. I can only hope and pray that you find peace and the ability to move on from all of this.