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My thoughts
a year ago
Feeling like a useless contributor to my family and society is normal
Yet, rarely I get hit with the reality of what person I am, that every problem and issue starts and begins with me. Seeing so in my mother's tears should be more than enough proof that genuinely, I'm not a good person. I wonder what is that everyone sees that's good in me, what's that part of me that makes them think I'm an actual kind, empathetic and compassionate human being.
Only a few have seen the real me, and they said the same things I got told "You never change"
Guess I in fact never changed at all, maybe that's why she left, maybe that's why everyone else is leaving, because even though life passes, I'm still stuck, thanks to my self-loathing and lack of will, dreams and goals in life. Stationary, rotting slowly from within.
To all of those that I've ever wronged and hurted, I'm a deeply sorry. To those I've failed, betrayed and ran off from when you needed me the most, I'm really... really sorry...
I hope that, at least, my current misery and upcoming death, may be the proper apology you all expect from me.
I am a failure, I am an idiot, I am a monster, I am a victim and victimizer of my own struggles.
If you ever feel bad, you can come to this journal, and read the self-pity I have for myself and think: "What a pathetic excuse of a human being this guy is", trust me, you'll feel ton times better, that you at least, are way better than me, just like everyone is. Everyone and everything is better and will be better than me...
Yet, rarely I get hit with the reality of what person I am, that every problem and issue starts and begins with me. Seeing so in my mother's tears should be more than enough proof that genuinely, I'm not a good person. I wonder what is that everyone sees that's good in me, what's that part of me that makes them think I'm an actual kind, empathetic and compassionate human being.
Only a few have seen the real me, and they said the same things I got told "You never change"
Guess I in fact never changed at all, maybe that's why she left, maybe that's why everyone else is leaving, because even though life passes, I'm still stuck, thanks to my self-loathing and lack of will, dreams and goals in life. Stationary, rotting slowly from within.
To all of those that I've ever wronged and hurted, I'm a deeply sorry. To those I've failed, betrayed and ran off from when you needed me the most, I'm really... really sorry...
I hope that, at least, my current misery and upcoming death, may be the proper apology you all expect from me.
I am a failure, I am an idiot, I am a monster, I am a victim and victimizer of my own struggles.
If you ever feel bad, you can come to this journal, and read the self-pity I have for myself and think: "What a pathetic excuse of a human being this guy is", trust me, you'll feel ton times better, that you at least, are way better than me, just like everyone is. Everyone and everything is better and will be better than me...
