Wanted to write a journal to just get an update out to everyone, especially since I know most of my friends are using this to gauge how I'm doing. I should probably also explain a bit behind my logic when it comes to writing these journals since they happen kind of infrequently and they are tonally all over the place (Sorry for that!)

So, when I write these journals, it is usually because I want to get something off my chest that I don't really know how to talk to anyone about. I'm honestly pretty terrible about sharing my thoughts on things in a healthy way so I tend to bottle things up. Since everything that happened earlier this year, I've learned just how terrible it is to bottle up your thoughts and emotions. As a kid, I was always thought that it would just keep piling up until you break, which is extremely on the nose given that's how it eventually hit me. I'm doing my best to not keep things bottled up, whether the feelings are positive or negative. I'm learning what it means to self-regulate and honestly, some days are better than others. I've had days where I've been struggling terribly and other days where everything seems fine. The last journal I wrote was in the midst of one of those struggling periods which was actually self-inflicted. I had been feeling so good for about a month straight so I thought I no longer needed the help of my anti-depressants. That was a HUGE and really stupid mistake. I'm back on my medications now and have a meeting with the Psychologist later this morning. Timing couldn't be better since tomorrow night is my first night in my new position.

It still feels so strange to finally be back in the field as a technician. It'll be a few weeks before I'll be allowed to conduct maintenance on my own since I need to undergo a secondary set of certification known as PQS (Personal Qualification Standards) wherein I have to basically be taught the inspections and then prove to someone who is certified that I can perform the work. If they are satisfied, they sign off on that particular inspection. Inspections are broken into several "Modules" based on what aspect of the area I'm training in. The whole process can take about a month to complete "Mod Zero", which certifies me to complete the basic inspections. It'll be an interesting period to be sure. Gives me time to figure out how I am going to haul my toolbox back into work since I took it home years ago when I got out of the field.

Overall, I'm decently optimistic. The only major downside is working the night shift (10PM to 8:30AM). I struggle with not feeling lonely as is and it is really a struggle to avoid feeling lonely when you're awake while all the people you care about are asleep. I'm trying to keep myself positive, telling myself I'm something like I'm the night nanny, checking in on my friends while they sleep and making sure they're ok, adjusting pillows, making sure they're tucked in. The thought gives me a great deal of comfort even if its just an illusion in my head. Unfortunately, this also means I don't really have the capable of letting myself slide into Little Space. While I have the luxury of spending long nights to myself, I haven't really found a way to go into Little Space on my own. Even indulging my Little Side on my own is extremely difficult for own. I'm very dependent on someone else to help me slide into Little Space, which is probably not the most healthy thing but given that I've only recently been able to connect with my Little Side, I suppose it's to be expected.

I guess I'm just at a proper transition in my life. Soon, I will be fully Out as being Trans (which comes with its own immensely terrifying worries). I'm starting a new role. I've got wonderful friends who support me and love me for who I am, in spite of my flaws. I have the support of family who understand my struggle and have chosen to support me. All that really remains is for my have faith in myself. That's always been the one thing I struggle with but I guess this is a good time to start learning.