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A New Year, a (not so new) me
10 months ago
I've been wanting to write this journal for the last few weeks. Now that 2024 is finally over, I find it even harder to write it. I know it probably sounds stupid but the addage "The more things change, the more they stay the same" has never more perfectly captured a year, especially for me. As part of my continued effort to heal and grow, I'm going to try my best to talk about things without letting this journal take a dark turn. Mind you, that's gonna be hard since 2024 was a very VERY difficult year for me but I'll try to keep things as light-hearted as I can. Still, I'm going to put some Trigger Warnings going forward: I will be discussing Suicide Attempts and Politics in this post.
This time last year, I was at my mental lowest. I had let the intrusive thoughts overtake my way of thinking, living as a hollow shell and repeatedly asking "Can I hold on one more day?". I was beyond miserable. I was genuinely a broken person who had rehearsed and repeatedly practiced committing The Big Stupid. I recognize how dumb that sounds but self-strangulation isn't just something you whip up when you're inexperienced. By the end of January, I couldn't hold on anymore and very nearly succeeded in doing through with it, managing to stop myself with the fragment of consciousness and strength I had. Before I knew it, I was Baker Act'd, and sent to a Mental Hospital. There were a lot of people who were fighting the intrusive thoughts and who felt broken beyond recognition there, but they found the power to smile and laugh. I couldn't understand at first but I came to realize that those laughs and smiles were means to escape the dark feelings inside.
As part of my ongoing recovery, I stepped down from my position at work and returned to being a technician. The act of keeping busy and needing to make snap decisions meant that my mind wouldn't be free to wander or latch onto anything dark. Moving from 1st shift to 3rd shift hasn't been easy. It meant my social life, if I can call it that, was going to be almost entirely severed. In the months following my release from the hospital, I'd come to develop much stronger friendships and bonds. My friends were not an escape but a reminder that I was loved and had a reason to keep moving. Every shared laugh, bad joke, and friendly tease meant and continues to mean much more to me than I can put into words. It wasn't that I was losing those things. It just felt like there was now a wall keeping me from enjoying them. That's been my personal challenge over the last 6 months since returning to the field. For me, I always felt like I was sealed away from the world and trapped behind walls, one-way mirrors, and soundproofing. I could see that life and the world was going on but it felt like no one knew I was there. In a way, that feeling came back when I moved to the night shift. The friends and bonds I have are hard as hell to maintain when I am basically operating 12 hours out of sync with everyone. The one difference now is that I am able to genuinely say that the feeling is temporary so I've been trying my best to take care of myself until I can finally share time with them again.
That takes us to November 2024. Trump's re-election raises a lot of questions as he's vowed a term of personal vengeance. He's going to leave a lot of destruction in his wake because that's exactly what he wants. The Supreme Court has essentially given him the Divine Protection of Kings and he's quite prepared to use it to beat the American people. The MAGA Movement is already flexing power that is outright dangerous with them confronting, assaulting, and committing acts of violence and essentially domestic terrorism against anyone they perceive as being their enemy. I can't escape the feeling that I only have 2 fates awaiting me in the next 4 years: I will either be killed by MAGA Zealots or I will be sent to a concentration camp as per orders from Donald Trump. The former seems the least likely but if people die as part of enacting the latter, no one would really bat an eye. These thoughts resulted in a really intense mental breakdown after the election where I simply couldn't function for like a week. I barely ate and really just slept, trying to escape into my dreams because I can't afford to flee anywhere for my safety. Even my Mom, who loves Christmas with all her heart, sent out a text message saying she wasn't celebrating it this year. Him being elected has caused so much trouble and he hasn't even started yet. Much like the tide pulls away from the coast as a Hurricane draws near, the real storm hasn't begun yet.
So that leads us to today. It has been nearly 1 year since I wore the tourniquet to try and snuff out my life. I didn't set off fireworks to celebrate the new year. Instead, I burned the tourniquet. Yes, I still had it. Watching it burn was very cathartic. Telling yourself you won't try again and physically destroying the thing you used to do it creates very different feelings. It isn't about not going back or anything. It was really about destroying the past in a sense. Things are very different now from a year ago. I'm no longer in the closet about being Trans (for the most part), I'm expressing my needs and taking care of them as best as I can, I have an amazing circle of friends who mean the absolute world to me, and soon I'll be able to move to Operational Shift to hopefully be able to spend time with those who mean the most to me. I'm taking care of my mental health by expressing myself in the privacy of my room, something I wasn't doing before because of various paranoid worries and fears.
On the flipside of the coin, I'm trying to break old cycles like not eating. No, it isn't that I can't afford food. My appetite has sharply and severely shrunk over the last few months. I'm back in the habit of only eating once a day, which is a big danger sign for me. My body just doesn't want to eat food, so I'm trying to at least keep nibbling throughout the day to keep food in my system so I don't go back to having literally stretches of time where I don't feel hunger for days. My meal sizes have continued to shrink drastically though so I'm going to have to find a solution for that soon.
...So, what's the plan for 2025? Well, I can't really say I know. Too many unknowns. What is known is that I've put together a rather aggressive action plan to eliminate all my personal debts in the next 2 years. It means lean-living for 2 years but after that, I'll have several things I don't have now:
1. Savings. Part of this plan is actually accumulating savings for an emergency and for major events.
2. The ability to Travel. Might sound really silly but having financial freedom means I can afford to take trips and see the people that matter the most to me
3. The ability to buy a House. Yeah, the housing market sucks (and is gonna get MUCH worse soon) but I'm ready to move out of this apartment and into a new space. I want my own home so eliminating debts and raising savings are going to put me into a position where I can actually try to do it.
4. The freedom to express myself. Yes, I've always technically had this but as my transition continues, I won't be able to hide or conceal it. I want to be able to fully express myself but getting there takes a lot of time and money that I don't really have at the moment.
Right now, 2025 is going to just be about surviving. There isn't much else to say on that front. Yes, the country elected someone who wants to bury and eliminate my existence and has a legion of sycophant's who will carry out their understanding of his words without any hesitation. Doesn't mean I have to die. I've suffered through a lot. I don't intend to give up before I'm free. So, I'm going to survive. That's all I can do.
This time last year, I was at my mental lowest. I had let the intrusive thoughts overtake my way of thinking, living as a hollow shell and repeatedly asking "Can I hold on one more day?". I was beyond miserable. I was genuinely a broken person who had rehearsed and repeatedly practiced committing The Big Stupid. I recognize how dumb that sounds but self-strangulation isn't just something you whip up when you're inexperienced. By the end of January, I couldn't hold on anymore and very nearly succeeded in doing through with it, managing to stop myself with the fragment of consciousness and strength I had. Before I knew it, I was Baker Act'd, and sent to a Mental Hospital. There were a lot of people who were fighting the intrusive thoughts and who felt broken beyond recognition there, but they found the power to smile and laugh. I couldn't understand at first but I came to realize that those laughs and smiles were means to escape the dark feelings inside.
As part of my ongoing recovery, I stepped down from my position at work and returned to being a technician. The act of keeping busy and needing to make snap decisions meant that my mind wouldn't be free to wander or latch onto anything dark. Moving from 1st shift to 3rd shift hasn't been easy. It meant my social life, if I can call it that, was going to be almost entirely severed. In the months following my release from the hospital, I'd come to develop much stronger friendships and bonds. My friends were not an escape but a reminder that I was loved and had a reason to keep moving. Every shared laugh, bad joke, and friendly tease meant and continues to mean much more to me than I can put into words. It wasn't that I was losing those things. It just felt like there was now a wall keeping me from enjoying them. That's been my personal challenge over the last 6 months since returning to the field. For me, I always felt like I was sealed away from the world and trapped behind walls, one-way mirrors, and soundproofing. I could see that life and the world was going on but it felt like no one knew I was there. In a way, that feeling came back when I moved to the night shift. The friends and bonds I have are hard as hell to maintain when I am basically operating 12 hours out of sync with everyone. The one difference now is that I am able to genuinely say that the feeling is temporary so I've been trying my best to take care of myself until I can finally share time with them again.
That takes us to November 2024. Trump's re-election raises a lot of questions as he's vowed a term of personal vengeance. He's going to leave a lot of destruction in his wake because that's exactly what he wants. The Supreme Court has essentially given him the Divine Protection of Kings and he's quite prepared to use it to beat the American people. The MAGA Movement is already flexing power that is outright dangerous with them confronting, assaulting, and committing acts of violence and essentially domestic terrorism against anyone they perceive as being their enemy. I can't escape the feeling that I only have 2 fates awaiting me in the next 4 years: I will either be killed by MAGA Zealots or I will be sent to a concentration camp as per orders from Donald Trump. The former seems the least likely but if people die as part of enacting the latter, no one would really bat an eye. These thoughts resulted in a really intense mental breakdown after the election where I simply couldn't function for like a week. I barely ate and really just slept, trying to escape into my dreams because I can't afford to flee anywhere for my safety. Even my Mom, who loves Christmas with all her heart, sent out a text message saying she wasn't celebrating it this year. Him being elected has caused so much trouble and he hasn't even started yet. Much like the tide pulls away from the coast as a Hurricane draws near, the real storm hasn't begun yet.
So that leads us to today. It has been nearly 1 year since I wore the tourniquet to try and snuff out my life. I didn't set off fireworks to celebrate the new year. Instead, I burned the tourniquet. Yes, I still had it. Watching it burn was very cathartic. Telling yourself you won't try again and physically destroying the thing you used to do it creates very different feelings. It isn't about not going back or anything. It was really about destroying the past in a sense. Things are very different now from a year ago. I'm no longer in the closet about being Trans (for the most part), I'm expressing my needs and taking care of them as best as I can, I have an amazing circle of friends who mean the absolute world to me, and soon I'll be able to move to Operational Shift to hopefully be able to spend time with those who mean the most to me. I'm taking care of my mental health by expressing myself in the privacy of my room, something I wasn't doing before because of various paranoid worries and fears.
On the flipside of the coin, I'm trying to break old cycles like not eating. No, it isn't that I can't afford food. My appetite has sharply and severely shrunk over the last few months. I'm back in the habit of only eating once a day, which is a big danger sign for me. My body just doesn't want to eat food, so I'm trying to at least keep nibbling throughout the day to keep food in my system so I don't go back to having literally stretches of time where I don't feel hunger for days. My meal sizes have continued to shrink drastically though so I'm going to have to find a solution for that soon.
...So, what's the plan for 2025? Well, I can't really say I know. Too many unknowns. What is known is that I've put together a rather aggressive action plan to eliminate all my personal debts in the next 2 years. It means lean-living for 2 years but after that, I'll have several things I don't have now:
1. Savings. Part of this plan is actually accumulating savings for an emergency and for major events.
2. The ability to Travel. Might sound really silly but having financial freedom means I can afford to take trips and see the people that matter the most to me
3. The ability to buy a House. Yeah, the housing market sucks (and is gonna get MUCH worse soon) but I'm ready to move out of this apartment and into a new space. I want my own home so eliminating debts and raising savings are going to put me into a position where I can actually try to do it.
4. The freedom to express myself. Yes, I've always technically had this but as my transition continues, I won't be able to hide or conceal it. I want to be able to fully express myself but getting there takes a lot of time and money that I don't really have at the moment.
Right now, 2025 is going to just be about surviving. There isn't much else to say on that front. Yes, the country elected someone who wants to bury and eliminate my existence and has a legion of sycophant's who will carry out their understanding of his words without any hesitation. Doesn't mean I have to die. I've suffered through a lot. I don't intend to give up before I'm free. So, I'm going to survive. That's all I can do.
