That last journal I'd made about my mom having time left? She didn't. She passed the next day after that journal... Less than 24 hours after I found out that she had 3 to 6 months left, she was gone. I tried to make it back to at least say goodbye, but she passed 10 minutes before I boarded my plane to get back. So I never even got the chance to say goodbye. We had a service for her in the native tribe she was most influential in, and that lasted for 2 full days to grieve and mourn... Which I did a lot of. My mom was hugely important to the tribe, so the reservation flew all flags at half mast, the entire tribal council came to see her off, and she was adopted into the tribal elders upon her death. My mom was an amazing woman, and despite her and I not always seeing eye to eye, she and I had formed a tight bond in the last few years. She was the only part of my immediate family I got along with even a little bit, and the last few days reminded me of that. My whole family knows I am now out of a 9 year relationship and living in an SUV starting in about a month, and that my whole life has come apart. Their answer? Nothing empathetic, nothing concerned, nothing at all. Just 'Pick up your own pieces'... So I was burying my mother, and burying the low contact relationship with my family to a fairly firm no contact one. So I lost my family and my mom all at once. I'd known the family thing... I'd been low contact for years, but this? This was low for even them so I just kind of finished that write off. But my mom was not like that... Her and I marched to the beat of our own drum, and not the usual conservative religious crap that the rest of my family does. Was she religious, yes. Was she also very kind to myself and my ex, and made sure we were both okay more than anyone else I am related to? Also yes. Losing that connection, that one thing that was family... That hurts, and is going to hurt. It will not be okay, it won't get better, it will just get easier to deal with the shit. It'll scar over, but it will never heal... And that's hard.

So, I need to move forward. I need any help any of you can spare, and I don't mean monetary. Money helps, a lot, but really... Kind words and nudges to just keep going are something that is going to be needed through all this as much as funds are. I've lost every single person by blood in my life; most through arrogance, and the one that mattered through death. I've lost the roof over my head. I've lost the path to getting myself better and getting to a point I can create again. I've lost all that... I really don't know what else there is that can go. My entire life has been ripped out from under me, and I am lost. Like... I've always had a plan, a way to put things into a box and deal with them. Compartmentalizing is my super power, but all this, all at once? 1 month ago, I was okay in a strained relationship but with a roof over my head, thinking my mom was okay, and with a plan to really get writing going again. Now? I'm struggling to do anything and giving up more of myself, my wants, and everything else by the day. This... No one should have to go through all this all at once. I don't deserve this; no one does. And yet... I'm in it. So yeah... I need advice, I need help, and I need friends.

I don't think I'll have to make another one of these journals... I think depressing shit is kind of done for me. Not much else can get added on at this point. I don't need to write about my mental state; it's kind of obvious. I don't need to write about being homeless; that's pretty obvious. I don't need to write about my ex; there's nothing else to say there. So... Yeah, I think you don't need to keep an eye on this space anymore.