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I hate this place
a year ago
I thought it was just post-vacation depression but I've felt completely shattered in miserable at work, outside of work, and in basically every aspect of life every since my Norwegian friends left me to go home.
I see them again later this month but it's not the same as living there. I see how happy they are in their lives, their jobs--everything. I envy it, I want it so badly, but it's a seemingly impossible goal to achieve.
I'm thirty in less than a month and I'm stuck in a dead-end retail management job that I completely despise, for a company that is the most unethical and horrid in their treatment of their employees and in their policies. I'm looking at career changes to move abroad and actually be with my friends but they are so astronomically expensive and/or guarantee no means of getting there.
I want to do welding school, but people say I'm too "soft" and wouldn't last through the process. And even if I did, the starting pay is even less than what I make now, and with what I make now, I can barely make ends meet. The only reason I even want to consider this is because it seems SOMEWHAT interesting and Norway would consider it a skilled trade, although I'd need to do it for six years and then have to compete with welders from EU/EEA that don't need visas.
I want to go to Norway to get my MA in History, but almost all the programs require you to have advanced knowledge in another language (I'm slowly learning Norwegian, but I won't be fluent for a very long time). That, and the out of EU tuition costs for Americans are almost $40,000 for the full program. I barely make that much in a year. Might not seem like a lot in contrast to American education, but it is when my rent for a shabby apartment in a backwater city costs almost $1200 a month, my car insurance is $90+ a month, electric and telecomm bills are almost $200+ a month, a grocery run (even at Aldi) is almost $150, and I have to pay almost $50-$60 for gasoline every time I fill my car up. I've also not done anything history-related for over six years, and I'm scared that if I get into it I won't know what I want to do, where I want to go, or I won't be able to network well enough with people there to land a job.
I'm hesitantly staying with the company I'm at because I'm on the verge of getting into the corporate world, where it would pay better and I don't have to be stuck in the store level that I hate so much any more. But the bottom line is that this is not considered skilled by Norwegian/European standards, and the only thing it will permit me it more money to visit them. It won't alleviate my desire to be there living, it won't get me a job there. Nothing.
But if i give it up to try something new in the unfounded hope that it MAY give me a better chance of moving there, I lose all the vacation time I've accrued that DOES afford me the opportunity to see them once or twice a year, all my PTO, everything. What if I get into these new fields and I hate it? Too bad! I've lost all my perks from my old job and it will be years before I get that much time off back, and now that I'm about to turn thirty, I'm going to only be aging more and more severely.
I'm so tired of everything here. My parents and family say they love me but they hate my rubber pride and my sexuality. They don't understand "why I hate this country founded on Christian values and why I want to move away from my family and friends".
My friends and my rubber sister abroad accept me for everything that I am, never once judged me, and encourage my dreams.
My family wrote me an email outlining all these concerns, and I responded why:
"I've always felt attracted to this since I was a kid but feel like I've constantly been under a spectre of proper appearances, upstanding image, Christian behavior, and your own expectations. Perhaps you've made them as offhand comments or as an aside, but I remember so many of the things you say/have said in the past that tell me your attitude towards these lifestyles. I remember explicitly when I was younger your disgust at an offhand comment of saying "I wish I was goth" and you said "Promise me you won't go goth." You probably don't even remember that because it was such an afterthought of a comment, and I barely remember it myself, but I do. I've seen your revulsion of same-sex romance or interaction on television if we're watching shows. I've seen and heard the way you think or show your inner feelings about people that are "rougher around the edges", so to speak, or don't fit the bill of "mainstream". Being made to go to church most Sundays and praying nightly as a child. The reading of sex education books when I was a child about "what God's plan is for sex" has especially wreaked havoc on my psyche because I've been raised to think about it in a certain way that is incompatible with what I've always been attracted to, or why I've struggled to date or find a significant other here (Heaven being the exception) because the way of thinking about sexual relations in Kentucky, by and large, is "mainstream". I could probably list more examples, nor am I trying to turn things around on you or say you are a bad father or have done me wrong (you haven't, and I love you), but suffice it to say I am listing these things to explain why I feel the way I feel and why my "coming out" was so traumatic and why, irrespective of what happens, you will constantly have a fear in your mind that I am bringing shame to this family or to myself. Even if you say that "you don't judge" or that "you love me now matter what", subliminally I am never able to fully feel this because of these behaviors and mannerisms on your part.
Because I cannot fit this "mainstream" appearance, I constantly feel as if I am failing you and this family. I know I am. And I'm sorry. But I have always felt attracted to these things, and I am not going to change or apologize for being that way. This is what has always made me happy, I am proud to be that way, and it is why I am so happy when I am with my Norse friends and when I am there, because they do not judge me, nor do I feel compelled to act a certain way in the society there that is so much more open-minded, worldly, and accepting. They are able to hold jobs and careers in that place and still fall under the umbrella of the "alternative". They're living proof that one doesn't need to be in the mainstream to succeed. I envy that. I wish I could have that; it's why I want to be there so badly. And/or maybe that's why a career change is in order.
But it saddens ME to be told that "I am ok with this if you are happier in the alternative lifestyle. Know that Mom and I will always love you as our son and nothing will ever change that" when I know that inside, based on your attitudes and perceived behaviors about it, you wish I wasn't that way. Everything I needed to know about yours and mom's feelings about it was confirmed to me on that very traumatic night when you sat me down to almost have an "intervention" of sorts. I saw the disgust in mom's face when she said "I'm not stupid" in her knowledge that people had been telling her about my rubber love, and that has never left my memory. And it hurts. It will always hurt.
I know you mean it when you say you love me. And I love you all too. But in the back of my mind there is always hurt because I know I can never fully be your "mainstream" son.
Not only am I wanting to leave for reasons of being with my friends or being able to live the lifestyle that I've wanted since I was a kid, but I cannot take pride in a country that does this to their people and champions itself as "democratic and free". And after working in retail for six years, I've seen the absolute worst, most disgusting parts of American capitalism utterly destroy people, likely kill somebody from the stress and mistreatment, completely disregard worker safety and rights, discourage union participation, treats its hourly associates like animals by not permitting them overtime, not paying them living wages, and not caring about their wellbeing. The worst part about this in particular with Hobby Lobby is the self-professed "Christian values" that they preach and have their shoppers believe they stand by. I cringe each time I hear somebody say they love shopping there because it's a "Christian company". How is it Christian to treat workers like this? How is it Christian to conduct shady dealings under the table to get artifacts stolen by terrorists to put into your museum? How is it Christian to deny healthcare to your employees? How is it Christian to get 99% of your products from a Chinese communist regime that hates organized religion?"
I can't stand it anymore.
And don't get even get me started on the predatory nature of this country.
Parents recommended therapy to me, and sent me to Betterhelp.com. I was under the impression the credit card information I would be submitting was going to be used when sessions were actually completed, at around $65 per session.
Nope!
As soon as I entered all my information they charged me $260 for four weeks that I didn't even agree to. No signs anywhere that I could get my health insurance involved to try and reimburse some things.
This triggers an anxiety attack; I spent almost two hours just on the floor sobbing because I cannot pay $260, and feeling that this whole healthcare system is predatory and dishonest. I called them this morning trying to get my money refunded, and they said they'd respond in email within 1-2 days.
On top of that, I've been sick with something since Friday, and went to the urgent care center, thinking it was in network for our health insurance. Then they tell me it's $145 to pay TO ONLY BE TOLD OR TREATED FOR A COLD/FLU. BECAUSE I HAVEN'T MET MY FUCKING DEDUCTIBLE OF $850!!!!!!!
I just took my cards back and walked out of the place on the verge of tears again.
And I despise this state I live in. I hate its people, I hate its obsession with college sports and how it takes precedence over anything else, I hate looking at its disgusting, gaptoothed, meth/heroin addicted hillbillies, I hate its bible-thumping bigots everywhere, I hate seeing a church on every street corner and how they get tax exemption and inject their poison into public policy, I hate the unintelligible Appalachian speech I'm subjected to hearing them speak all the time, I hate their fucking trucks on the highway revving their obnoxious engines and blasting their country music. I hate it.
My friends enjoy their time here but they say they look forward to returning home to Norway. Not once can I say that I am "looking forward to returning home to Kentucky/the USA". I've cried in the airport knowing I have to return to what's awaiting me.
I hate this place.
I hate this place.
I hate this place.
I hate this country.
I hate Kentucky.
I miss my friends.
I hate my job.
I hate who I work for.
I want to get out.
I'm trapped.
I can't escape.
I see them again later this month but it's not the same as living there. I see how happy they are in their lives, their jobs--everything. I envy it, I want it so badly, but it's a seemingly impossible goal to achieve.
I'm thirty in less than a month and I'm stuck in a dead-end retail management job that I completely despise, for a company that is the most unethical and horrid in their treatment of their employees and in their policies. I'm looking at career changes to move abroad and actually be with my friends but they are so astronomically expensive and/or guarantee no means of getting there.
I want to do welding school, but people say I'm too "soft" and wouldn't last through the process. And even if I did, the starting pay is even less than what I make now, and with what I make now, I can barely make ends meet. The only reason I even want to consider this is because it seems SOMEWHAT interesting and Norway would consider it a skilled trade, although I'd need to do it for six years and then have to compete with welders from EU/EEA that don't need visas.
I want to go to Norway to get my MA in History, but almost all the programs require you to have advanced knowledge in another language (I'm slowly learning Norwegian, but I won't be fluent for a very long time). That, and the out of EU tuition costs for Americans are almost $40,000 for the full program. I barely make that much in a year. Might not seem like a lot in contrast to American education, but it is when my rent for a shabby apartment in a backwater city costs almost $1200 a month, my car insurance is $90+ a month, electric and telecomm bills are almost $200+ a month, a grocery run (even at Aldi) is almost $150, and I have to pay almost $50-$60 for gasoline every time I fill my car up. I've also not done anything history-related for over six years, and I'm scared that if I get into it I won't know what I want to do, where I want to go, or I won't be able to network well enough with people there to land a job.
I'm hesitantly staying with the company I'm at because I'm on the verge of getting into the corporate world, where it would pay better and I don't have to be stuck in the store level that I hate so much any more. But the bottom line is that this is not considered skilled by Norwegian/European standards, and the only thing it will permit me it more money to visit them. It won't alleviate my desire to be there living, it won't get me a job there. Nothing.
But if i give it up to try something new in the unfounded hope that it MAY give me a better chance of moving there, I lose all the vacation time I've accrued that DOES afford me the opportunity to see them once or twice a year, all my PTO, everything. What if I get into these new fields and I hate it? Too bad! I've lost all my perks from my old job and it will be years before I get that much time off back, and now that I'm about to turn thirty, I'm going to only be aging more and more severely.
I'm so tired of everything here. My parents and family say they love me but they hate my rubber pride and my sexuality. They don't understand "why I hate this country founded on Christian values and why I want to move away from my family and friends".
My friends and my rubber sister abroad accept me for everything that I am, never once judged me, and encourage my dreams.
My family wrote me an email outlining all these concerns, and I responded why:
"I've always felt attracted to this since I was a kid but feel like I've constantly been under a spectre of proper appearances, upstanding image, Christian behavior, and your own expectations. Perhaps you've made them as offhand comments or as an aside, but I remember so many of the things you say/have said in the past that tell me your attitude towards these lifestyles. I remember explicitly when I was younger your disgust at an offhand comment of saying "I wish I was goth" and you said "Promise me you won't go goth." You probably don't even remember that because it was such an afterthought of a comment, and I barely remember it myself, but I do. I've seen your revulsion of same-sex romance or interaction on television if we're watching shows. I've seen and heard the way you think or show your inner feelings about people that are "rougher around the edges", so to speak, or don't fit the bill of "mainstream". Being made to go to church most Sundays and praying nightly as a child. The reading of sex education books when I was a child about "what God's plan is for sex" has especially wreaked havoc on my psyche because I've been raised to think about it in a certain way that is incompatible with what I've always been attracted to, or why I've struggled to date or find a significant other here (Heaven being the exception) because the way of thinking about sexual relations in Kentucky, by and large, is "mainstream". I could probably list more examples, nor am I trying to turn things around on you or say you are a bad father or have done me wrong (you haven't, and I love you), but suffice it to say I am listing these things to explain why I feel the way I feel and why my "coming out" was so traumatic and why, irrespective of what happens, you will constantly have a fear in your mind that I am bringing shame to this family or to myself. Even if you say that "you don't judge" or that "you love me now matter what", subliminally I am never able to fully feel this because of these behaviors and mannerisms on your part.
Because I cannot fit this "mainstream" appearance, I constantly feel as if I am failing you and this family. I know I am. And I'm sorry. But I have always felt attracted to these things, and I am not going to change or apologize for being that way. This is what has always made me happy, I am proud to be that way, and it is why I am so happy when I am with my Norse friends and when I am there, because they do not judge me, nor do I feel compelled to act a certain way in the society there that is so much more open-minded, worldly, and accepting. They are able to hold jobs and careers in that place and still fall under the umbrella of the "alternative". They're living proof that one doesn't need to be in the mainstream to succeed. I envy that. I wish I could have that; it's why I want to be there so badly. And/or maybe that's why a career change is in order.
But it saddens ME to be told that "I am ok with this if you are happier in the alternative lifestyle. Know that Mom and I will always love you as our son and nothing will ever change that" when I know that inside, based on your attitudes and perceived behaviors about it, you wish I wasn't that way. Everything I needed to know about yours and mom's feelings about it was confirmed to me on that very traumatic night when you sat me down to almost have an "intervention" of sorts. I saw the disgust in mom's face when she said "I'm not stupid" in her knowledge that people had been telling her about my rubber love, and that has never left my memory. And it hurts. It will always hurt.
I know you mean it when you say you love me. And I love you all too. But in the back of my mind there is always hurt because I know I can never fully be your "mainstream" son.
Not only am I wanting to leave for reasons of being with my friends or being able to live the lifestyle that I've wanted since I was a kid, but I cannot take pride in a country that does this to their people and champions itself as "democratic and free". And after working in retail for six years, I've seen the absolute worst, most disgusting parts of American capitalism utterly destroy people, likely kill somebody from the stress and mistreatment, completely disregard worker safety and rights, discourage union participation, treats its hourly associates like animals by not permitting them overtime, not paying them living wages, and not caring about their wellbeing. The worst part about this in particular with Hobby Lobby is the self-professed "Christian values" that they preach and have their shoppers believe they stand by. I cringe each time I hear somebody say they love shopping there because it's a "Christian company". How is it Christian to treat workers like this? How is it Christian to conduct shady dealings under the table to get artifacts stolen by terrorists to put into your museum? How is it Christian to deny healthcare to your employees? How is it Christian to get 99% of your products from a Chinese communist regime that hates organized religion?"
I can't stand it anymore.
And don't get even get me started on the predatory nature of this country.
Parents recommended therapy to me, and sent me to Betterhelp.com. I was under the impression the credit card information I would be submitting was going to be used when sessions were actually completed, at around $65 per session.
Nope!
As soon as I entered all my information they charged me $260 for four weeks that I didn't even agree to. No signs anywhere that I could get my health insurance involved to try and reimburse some things.
This triggers an anxiety attack; I spent almost two hours just on the floor sobbing because I cannot pay $260, and feeling that this whole healthcare system is predatory and dishonest. I called them this morning trying to get my money refunded, and they said they'd respond in email within 1-2 days.
On top of that, I've been sick with something since Friday, and went to the urgent care center, thinking it was in network for our health insurance. Then they tell me it's $145 to pay TO ONLY BE TOLD OR TREATED FOR A COLD/FLU. BECAUSE I HAVEN'T MET MY FUCKING DEDUCTIBLE OF $850!!!!!!!
I just took my cards back and walked out of the place on the verge of tears again.
And I despise this state I live in. I hate its people, I hate its obsession with college sports and how it takes precedence over anything else, I hate looking at its disgusting, gaptoothed, meth/heroin addicted hillbillies, I hate its bible-thumping bigots everywhere, I hate seeing a church on every street corner and how they get tax exemption and inject their poison into public policy, I hate the unintelligible Appalachian speech I'm subjected to hearing them speak all the time, I hate their fucking trucks on the highway revving their obnoxious engines and blasting their country music. I hate it.
My friends enjoy their time here but they say they look forward to returning home to Norway. Not once can I say that I am "looking forward to returning home to Kentucky/the USA". I've cried in the airport knowing I have to return to what's awaiting me.
I hate this place.
I hate this place.
I hate this place.
I hate this country.
I hate Kentucky.
I miss my friends.
I hate my job.
I hate who I work for.
I want to get out.
I'm trapped.
I can't escape.
It's really put me in a deep psychological prison that's hurt my ability to actually focus on my German and finding a study program, but things are finally progressing smoothly now that I realized it's more of a prison of my own making, the best revenge you can have against this abusive system is caring for yourself and finding a way through regardless of how much it tries to keep you down.
If your objective is more so to get out of the USA and into the EU rather than move to Norway specifically, perhaps Germany could be a solid option? Tuition in most states in Germany are free of charge even to foreigners, and there are private colleges that can get really expensive tuition wise, but are taught in English and give out loans, which is unideal and the reason I'm trying to go public but it's a valid option.
stay strong my rubber-loving friend. you deserve better then this
Then I hear stories from my friends about all the procedures they've gotten done for free and hardly had to wait.
Why the fuck is everything in this godforsaken country built for profit.
I hate this place.
I hope you at least find something that can bring your spirit up again. watching your fa account, you seem like a really cool guy
This all sounds familiar, I saved up several months worth of money and moved to the PNW on a lark. Great decision tbh, it takes awhile to build up a support network but it works. Norway isn't as easy, but possible. I can't tell you anything that you don't already know, but it does get better with enough perseverance.
I don't know how much perseverance it's going to take because I cannot tell if it's going to actually get me where I want to go. I should be content with what I have right now and that I can see my friends as often as I do. But it doesn't feel like enough. It's not enough.
I would be a fool to give up what I have right now because it permits me to visit them, but I despise it because it's not "skilled" per Norway's standards and it won't get me to where I want to go, and worse yet I absolutely hate the company and everything it stands for and the customer base it attracts. But what's to say getting into something "skilled" is going to work, either? I'm paralyzed by fear and wasting more of my life in an effort to try and change careers for the sole purpose of just getting me somewhere else and it not coming to fruition.