FA+
Shop
The Silence Is Hard
a year ago
Hey everyone,
First of all, I'm really grateful that so many of you have followed me over the years. It's wonderful knowing that my content has impacted so many people, even slightly, over the time I've been a part of the fandom. Recently, however, I've felt compelled to make a post about my lack of activity on FA.
Several things prompted this, the first of which is that many artists that I've looked up to have commented in some form or another about being in a similar situation to what I'm in. That situation is not being able to post completed work often. It's frustrating because I have SO many ideas I wanna write. I CRAVE being able to put all these ideas onto paper, even more so if they involve kink or my characters or other characters having kinky adventures. But that's part of the problem. I have too many ideas, how do I prioritize them? Initially, I've prioritized my writing based on my commissions but unfortunately, that's fallen through. For the past two commissions I've done that I intended to write a story for, I've failed. I'm so embarrassed about it I haven't even posted those commissions here on my FA page at the time of writing. Although I attribute that to me holding hope I finish those stories eventually and then post them on FA. I've tried writing lots of other ideas, partial stories linking multiple commissions together, short stories with no art to go with them, stories to commission art for later, and yet as of late nothing has been getting done.
I've always been fine with my vanishing writing time in the past. I've told myself that it is the reality of having a full-time job, having the freedom to hang out with my friends, and the responsibility of having my own place to live. But now, it's getting to me. It's getting me because I know that it's not entirely true. I have time. I see it clearly when a friend cancels plans when I get home from work early when I get my chores done. I stop and the dread sets in.
I can write now, but for some reason, I can't do it.
The ultimate reason for this post came unexpectedly. I have ADHD. A professional diagnosis confirmed this. I've started taking medication recently. This has helped some but it's amplified the awareness of my time that I have to write a ton. I can see the space in my schedule coming. I can make time to write. So why can't I do any of that?
This problem is complicated, there's no one set right answer as to why I can't find the mental energy right now. I know that. But I know that sitting on it is going to eat at me. Ultimately, I hate asking for help because I feel like I don't deserve it. I mean, come on. I'm not a full-time artist who does this for a living. I'm well off, financially and socially stable. Surely there are thousands of those on this very website with less visibility than me going through the same things I am who actually NEED this sort of help? Why should I get advice when they don't? What gives me the right?
It's not fair.
The thing that ultimately kicked me over the edge into writing this was being reminded of how many people I know struggle with these issues. And that the solutions for them and the discussions around them don't belong to just the person that asks for them, they belong to everyone. Posting here, publicly, means anyone can see this and find solace, comfort, and maybe a solution.
I don't know what exactly to ask for. I don't know what would benefit me in my position or if any advice would help. Maybe putting my thoughts together in a post is all that I need. Maybe some solid sources on ADHD would help. Maybe I just need to take a break for a little while. I don't know. But what I do know is I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep having good story ideas, and I'm sure as hell going to try to publish them. I'm going to do it while living my life, and I won't sacrifice the time spent with the ones I've loved to do so. I can do both, I know I can.
I'll find a way.
Somehow.
First of all, I'm really grateful that so many of you have followed me over the years. It's wonderful knowing that my content has impacted so many people, even slightly, over the time I've been a part of the fandom. Recently, however, I've felt compelled to make a post about my lack of activity on FA.
Several things prompted this, the first of which is that many artists that I've looked up to have commented in some form or another about being in a similar situation to what I'm in. That situation is not being able to post completed work often. It's frustrating because I have SO many ideas I wanna write. I CRAVE being able to put all these ideas onto paper, even more so if they involve kink or my characters or other characters having kinky adventures. But that's part of the problem. I have too many ideas, how do I prioritize them? Initially, I've prioritized my writing based on my commissions but unfortunately, that's fallen through. For the past two commissions I've done that I intended to write a story for, I've failed. I'm so embarrassed about it I haven't even posted those commissions here on my FA page at the time of writing. Although I attribute that to me holding hope I finish those stories eventually and then post them on FA. I've tried writing lots of other ideas, partial stories linking multiple commissions together, short stories with no art to go with them, stories to commission art for later, and yet as of late nothing has been getting done.
I've always been fine with my vanishing writing time in the past. I've told myself that it is the reality of having a full-time job, having the freedom to hang out with my friends, and the responsibility of having my own place to live. But now, it's getting to me. It's getting me because I know that it's not entirely true. I have time. I see it clearly when a friend cancels plans when I get home from work early when I get my chores done. I stop and the dread sets in.
I can write now, but for some reason, I can't do it.
The ultimate reason for this post came unexpectedly. I have ADHD. A professional diagnosis confirmed this. I've started taking medication recently. This has helped some but it's amplified the awareness of my time that I have to write a ton. I can see the space in my schedule coming. I can make time to write. So why can't I do any of that?
This problem is complicated, there's no one set right answer as to why I can't find the mental energy right now. I know that. But I know that sitting on it is going to eat at me. Ultimately, I hate asking for help because I feel like I don't deserve it. I mean, come on. I'm not a full-time artist who does this for a living. I'm well off, financially and socially stable. Surely there are thousands of those on this very website with less visibility than me going through the same things I am who actually NEED this sort of help? Why should I get advice when they don't? What gives me the right?
It's not fair.
The thing that ultimately kicked me over the edge into writing this was being reminded of how many people I know struggle with these issues. And that the solutions for them and the discussions around them don't belong to just the person that asks for them, they belong to everyone. Posting here, publicly, means anyone can see this and find solace, comfort, and maybe a solution.
I don't know what exactly to ask for. I don't know what would benefit me in my position or if any advice would help. Maybe putting my thoughts together in a post is all that I need. Maybe some solid sources on ADHD would help. Maybe I just need to take a break for a little while. I don't know. But what I do know is I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep having good story ideas, and I'm sure as hell going to try to publish them. I'm going to do it while living my life, and I won't sacrifice the time spent with the ones I've loved to do so. I can do both, I know I can.
I'll find a way.
Somehow.
