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Meaning.
11 months ago
I'm tired.
Tired of putting on a happy face every day for people who don't care. Who sometimes say they care, maybe even think they do, but deep down, don't.
It's been so long, I can't help but feel like it'll just go on forever...
It's like... At some point during all of this, I was expected to have matured. To have taken my life into my own hands, live it by my rules. Make my own choices instead of dealing with the ones made for me. There's nothing I wanted more than that, but... I've never grown up. I feel like I can't grow up, like something about me is just inherently incapable of doing it. Maybe that's why I'm into macro/growth? It's a very literal representation of what I lack.
I've been depressed for a while now, and... I've been trying to get more things done recently, to expand my horizons a little more, to engage more with parts of me I previously repressed (like creating this account, for example)... I realize that everything I've been doing has been in search of meaning, in search of someone... But nothing comes of it. No matter what I do, I'm still alone. And things lose meaning very quickly when you're alone...
It hurts so much because... I've lived nothing. I've done nothing.
The world moved on, and I stood still.
All I see every day is people making something of their lives. Working towards their dreams, discovering new experiences, making bonds with others, just... generally living a life of meaning.
Mine is a life of meaninglessness.
I wish I could do something about it, but I feel genuinely inept at making something of my life. I just don't have the strength to keep up with what the world expects of me. I used to have more strength but even then it wasn't enough. It was never enough.
I'm not enough.
I don't know who I'm writing this to or what for... The simple truth is that no one cares. No one wants me around. And why would they? I just wear everyone down. I hurt anyone who ever gets close to me. I can't see how I add anything positive to anyone's lives.
Maybe I'm just writing this for myself, but I'm not sure whether it helps or just makes me feel worse...
To anyone who watched me for the stories I posted, I'm sorry to have bothered you with this crap today. But well, I did say I tried to infuse those stories with some personal meaning, and they did touch (admittedly briefly) on some of these feelings... Either way, yeah, I'm sorry...
I wish things were different. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I had a life of meaning.
But that's the thing with me... I just wish.
Tired of putting on a happy face every day for people who don't care. Who sometimes say they care, maybe even think they do, but deep down, don't.
It's been so long, I can't help but feel like it'll just go on forever...
It's like... At some point during all of this, I was expected to have matured. To have taken my life into my own hands, live it by my rules. Make my own choices instead of dealing with the ones made for me. There's nothing I wanted more than that, but... I've never grown up. I feel like I can't grow up, like something about me is just inherently incapable of doing it. Maybe that's why I'm into macro/growth? It's a very literal representation of what I lack.
I've been depressed for a while now, and... I've been trying to get more things done recently, to expand my horizons a little more, to engage more with parts of me I previously repressed (like creating this account, for example)... I realize that everything I've been doing has been in search of meaning, in search of someone... But nothing comes of it. No matter what I do, I'm still alone. And things lose meaning very quickly when you're alone...
It hurts so much because... I've lived nothing. I've done nothing.
The world moved on, and I stood still.
All I see every day is people making something of their lives. Working towards their dreams, discovering new experiences, making bonds with others, just... generally living a life of meaning.
Mine is a life of meaninglessness.
I wish I could do something about it, but I feel genuinely inept at making something of my life. I just don't have the strength to keep up with what the world expects of me. I used to have more strength but even then it wasn't enough. It was never enough.
I'm not enough.
I don't know who I'm writing this to or what for... The simple truth is that no one cares. No one wants me around. And why would they? I just wear everyone down. I hurt anyone who ever gets close to me. I can't see how I add anything positive to anyone's lives.
Maybe I'm just writing this for myself, but I'm not sure whether it helps or just makes me feel worse...
To anyone who watched me for the stories I posted, I'm sorry to have bothered you with this crap today. But well, I did say I tried to infuse those stories with some personal meaning, and they did touch (admittedly briefly) on some of these feelings... Either way, yeah, I'm sorry...
I wish things were different. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I had a life of meaning.
But that's the thing with me... I just wish.
I.. do need someone to talk to. But mainly I want someone who wants to talk to me, rather than someone who's paid to do it. I have been going to therapy for about a year now, and it definitely helps, but sometimes it's just not enough... Anyway, the last few days were a bad emotional crisis, I think I'm through the worst of it.
Again I want to apologize for dumping all of that on strangers, even if it's how I truly felt, it's not fair to anyone. Sorry.