This past year has been very weird to say the least. It's been very eyeopening as well on so many things.

I kind of figured it wasn't going to be a super great year either way. Mostly with losing a friend of 15 years. I go back and think and look at that a lot. Realizing that I probably could have worded some things a little differently/better. I over reacted a bit with things. But at the same time, I tend to have bad abandonment issues anymore and when I'm not getting a response I want when trying to figure things out with someone I just get really frustrated. There's a big part of me that wishes I could somehow contact her and apologize, but from the things she told me before everything blew up, she tends to ignore problems and just throw "problem people" to the curb and leave it at that. So, I'm just left with this big "what if?"

Though I've kind of circled around to most other people I've known as well. As far as things I've felt and whatnot. I keep trying to be more understanding with people anymore, I really do. But it's just hard when I see the same patterns over and over and nothing has changed. Outside of Kep I've had one person actually make an effort to change things. I might hear from him once a week, I might hear from him a few times a day and then go to once a week. But I feel like there's actual effort being made. Compared to people saying I mean something to them, but they're always just too busy or can't hold up a conversation or whatever else. Like Kep has said, it's just sadly how people are anymore. It's just frustrating and goes back to the abandonment issues. So, I've pretty much just come to the point where as frustrating as all of this is and how it just goes back to me feeling that the only way I'll hear from anyone is if I'm the one to make any effort, I guess that's just what I'll have to do. As frustrating and uncomfortable it makes me anymore. It's either that or being frustrated that I don't hear from anyone and as soon as someone does just going, "well, someone wants something from me if they're contacting me."

There's obviously the big event which was losing my job. It's just hard to believe that it's been over 6 months at this point. I have been looking for work for at least a few months here now. I'm also to the point where I just need to suck it up and attempt to apply for unemployment. The only real issue with that is that I'm expecting petco to reject it and I'm going to have to fight it. Which I know will be a whole headache. It's just something that I don't want to deal with, but I may have to. It's also the worry that they will fight it, so I'll fight it and then I might have to deal with the shit GM if she shows up. I just don't want to have to deal with all of that once again. Though if I go through with all of that I will try to bring along my old department manager. Assuming the GM shows up, I can use my manager as a witness to how abusive and toxic the GM was to try and help my case. But only time will tell with all of that.

Otherwise it's been frustrating trying to find another job. I'm getting the frustrating bit of places saying they're hiring and then get nothing from them. I have been trying to reach out to different restaurants and other places at this point. Mostly attempting to avoid retail and factory jobs like the plague. I had one place actually reply, but nothing past that. It's frustrating that none of the places have actually attempted to give me an interview. I figure mostly because I don't have any actual restaurant experience. Though for the most part it's not like I'm applying for line cook positions. Mostly prep or dish washer. The few that I had to email my resume to I did start sending photos of the food I've made as part of it and still nothing. I figured I'll still just keep pushing some of these places either way. That and I'm still trying to not travel too far out of town. Because that's just going to add another layer on top of things.

The one good thing is that I've at least been able to spend more time with Kep and the dogs. Tsume hasn't had to stay in his crate, aside from a few rare occasions, and now that it's cooler out I'm able to take them on walks much more frequently. That and despite everything that Kiba has been through, I've been able to take him along as well. So, there's a lot of instances where he's gone on hour long hikes through the woods as well. Then we'll get home and he'll flip out before going into the house. So he's at least not hurting or anything after all of that. At least not that he's showing anyways.

I've also been able to get a lot of much needed practice with my cooking and baking, which has been really nice. I've needed to watch what I actually purchase, since everything is so expensive and I don't have money coming in, but I've still been able to experiment either way.

That and I've been able to get a lot of the yard work done I had been meaning to do. I at least have most of the sections cleaned up. I just need to pick up all the clippings still and get all that drug back into the woods. Which will end up being a whole thing since it's a lot.

I figure at least this past year hasn't been a complete waste. Yes, I still have lots of issues, but I've been thinking clearer than I have in a long while. It's just a matter of trying to figure out so much still. At this point I'll see what next year holds. I don't want to hold my breath or make any goals or anything. Because for me, if I try to set goals and plan for me to do something or complete something and then I don't, it's worse for me. It just personally makes me feel worse when things don't pan out and I'm really hoping for something to happen. I can go, "oh, that would be neat if that happened" and then if something went the way I was hoping, then it's a pleasant surprise.

So, we'll see what happens with everything. Everything in our little bubble as far as this house goes is great. This house has issues, but I love it and the little bit of land it's on. I love Kep, our dogs and everything else. It's just stepping outside that becomes the problem. It's something that I can work on, but I'm not holding my breath. I'd like to connect better with people, make new and good connections with people and even try to repair friendships with some older people. But I know that bit is way easier said than done in a lot of situations. I'd also like to find some sort of work where I don't hate myself and everything every time I go in. It depresses me that I can't do what I really want to do. But, you know, since I'm not rich, I can't just move and go to school and get the job I really want. I just have to not focus on it, because it'll really make me feel like shit.

But yeah, we'll see what happens this next year. Hopefully something works out for us. Because I'm just tired of being kicked down at this point.