I know a lot of these anymore just tend to be some form of venting, but it's at least a way to fully get my thoughts out there.

Things are just so complicated anymore. I also keep coming to more realizations that just feel like they complicate things even more. So it's just a matter or trying to sort things out here so that they make some sort of sense.

One of my earliest memories, especially from school, was in third grade. I don't remember what exactly what happened or who the people were. All I remember is that they were friends, I said or did something they didn't like and they didn't want to be friends/talk to me again. I know I had other issues with people all throughout school, but I almost feel like it became a pattern for me. I'd have people I thought were friends, some issues happen or some stupid fight and they just dump me. Despite me trying to repair the issues, nothing ever worked. Fast forward to now, how I tend to have more issues with trust and everything else anymore. So I tend to get very frustrated very quickly when I feel like that is happening and I'm not being told the truth by someone. I've had very rare instances where I've been on the end of things where I've cut contact with people. There's a few that I do regret. Suka is the main one that sticks out in my mind. I still wonder if I had tried giving him one more chance if things could have gotten fixed. But at the same time, things were bad with the path he was trying to take and he had burned me too many times at that point.

Then I go to the other end of the spectrum with someone like Syn/Yeen. I'm still just sorry and regret so much with her. I know me having those issues just tends to make my mind spiral. So I get stupid and don't always ask the questions that I should at the time. That and I'll take extremes to try and solve a problem, because that's what my mind tells me is the best solution. Instead of asking some of the questions I probably should have asked. Asking, "you say about not being social, but are you talking to these other people in your free time?" "I feel like you're pushing me away for these new people." "Not saying thank you when I sent you those cookies really hurt me." There's so much I should have tried saying, but I didn't. Instead I just got aggressive with her and it was because my mind thought that would be the way to break through to her. That because of how she would act, it would get her to push back and maybe realize some things. Which it obviously just backfired and in the end I lost her. I still think about it and regret it and am just so sorry I said or did anything that I did. Any reasoning I give for it just sounds like an excuse to me. Even with everything I was going through with other people and all my crap I was constantly dealing with from petco.

These abandonment issues just seem to keep piling on. I've even gone back, to a degree, on being the person that contacts others. Because again if I don't, I'm just left in the dark. So I have to constantly fight myself to not snap at people. Though I'm also at the bad point anymore where i just don't care. I expect this to happen, I don't think of myself highly and expect people to treat me like garbage. So why would others do anything else? At the same time, I don't contact others because of how I'm feeling a lot of times. I feel bad messaging people because I know they'll ask me how I am and I just feel bad having to always tell them shitty. So it's better to just stay in my bubble. That and if I don't make new or have any connections with people anymore, then I can't be hurt and abandoned anymore. So I'm just damned if I do and damned if I don't.

The one semi funny thing for me, if it is true, is that kep and I have discussed the possibility of me being somewhere on the autism spectrum. It would possibly explain a few things with me. Mostly my off the wall thought process at times and just my outbursts of anger that I've pretty much always had. But that all is one of many problems that I may never fully figure out or even solve. Just pretty much another piece of the puzzle.

There's just a lot of things and instances where I wish I could go back to being ignorant. Just be like everyone else and be able to ignore or just not see problems that are going on. But I know that I can't and I have to lay in the bed that I've made. I'm just consumed by regret from so many things anymore. I just feel like all I can do with things like this is to keep saying I'm sorry and fucked up into the void in the hopes that some day I'll get an answer back.

To quote Tokien, "I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread."