This is something I've been wanting to type up for a while now. Mostly just didn't feel like taking the time to do it or just feeling like I didn't have the time to do it either way. It's also a matter of starting this here.

Learning about our friend killing himself was a larger blow than I thought it was. Going through a lot of emotions still of feeling frustrated, irritated and just sad about it all still. Mostly in that I never knew things were all that bad with him and wishing we would have talked more. Rather than just getting together to screw around while playing games and such. I don't want to think or say that I hate him for doing what he did, but I know a part of me does. Mostly because I feel like I'm in the same situation as he was and I'm still here dealing with everything. That as miserable as I am, that I would have done more to try and help him if I knew he was as bad as me. It just frustrates me so much still that it all came down to that for him. When I feel like I've been reaching out to people for a while now and it mostly hasn't mattered. I've never expect people to fix any of my issues, but just everyone feels so distant anymore. The sad part is I get anxiety anymore messaging most people or even replying to something from them. In part because of everything that has gone on with me, I'm just super destroyed mentally. I feel like I've just been fighting for so long now and I just don't want to anymore. I'll have people tell me that they care, but then I never hear from them or if I do message them, I just feel like I'm bothering them either way. I've had multiple people just tell me they're busy or something along those lines. But if you're too busy to actually contact someone you say you care about, then what's even the point? Pretty much everyone is busy with something or another anymore, but if your job or whatever else keeps you that busy to even send a message to someone? Then the job is literally sucking your entire life away and isn't worth it. Hell, even as much as I was working at petco and everything going on there I'd still contact people. I guess the real problem is that I've just given way too much of myself to people I thought were friends over the years. And yet I've still attempted to find more people to talk to and try to be friends with. But the sad part is I really feel like I can't anymore even if I did. I keep everyone at arms length anymore, I pretty much don't trust most people anymore, I'm sadly not really given a reason to. Either way, I'm not perfect myself, I'm far from that. Even thinking on that while ago when I was starting to have issues with Syn. It's when I was really starting to have a lot of internal issues with myself. Questioning almost everything when it came to people I knew. Feeling like I wasn't being told the truth on a lot of things and just being lied to. Instances when I'd try to have a talk with someone about how I was feeling and feeling like it was just being brushed off. Then nothing really changed and it would always feel like all the problems were just on repeat. In the end of a lot of instances I would just blow up. Because it felt like it was the only way to get things across that I was really serious about this and they should take it seriously too. Of course it would just go more south at that point and I was always the bad guy in the situation. Again, I'm not perfect, I have and have had my issues. A chunk of them are brought on by myself and I know I'm not the best friend or person that I could be to others. It's always been difficult for me to try and be with people. I know family has never really helped with that. But I've always had issues where someone would happen between me and someone else and no matter how much I tried to fix the situation I was always left. I've rarely had it where someone wanted to make things right and it actually work things out and I wasn't just the bad guy in the situation.

All of this stuff is just the tip of the iceberg anymore. I'm just unhappy. Yeah, there's plenty of things I'm grateful here. Kep, the boys, the place we live in. But at this point we're a bit stuck. This area is horrible and I wouldn't have the money or ability to transplant us somewhere else. So I can't look for a job that I'd really love to have, I can't get away from these shit people here. I told Kep at one point that I just feel like I'm at a midlife crisis at this point. Because I just feel stuck with everything. Everything in this world sucks so much. "Just concentrate on what you have and what you can do" or whatever else people like to say. But it's not that simple. This is literally a ignorance is bliss moment. I feel like compared to so many others, I can see so many things that are bad and wrong and it just drives me crazy that things can't be better. And I'm not just talking about this current election and everything. Things have been bad for a long while and I don't see any way out of it. Pretty much everything, at least in this country, need to be burned out. We'd have to overthrow all these rich assholes that cause all these peoples and I don't ever see that happening. Even seeing crap like, "oh if you work full time or more a week you could be able to afford the nice things in life. If you work part time you should still easily be able to get by and have a good life." But when it comes down to it, you shouldn't have to work full time either way, that shouldn't be a thing. You should be able to work maybe 25-30 hours a week, be able to live a good life and be able to actually live. But things are just so fucked that it would never happen. It's why so many people are so miserable and burned out, even if they don't realize it. I sadly almost wish I could go back to not being able to see things how they are. Because I hate being able to see and know all these things and do nothing about it. I hate the fact that this is my life at this point. Yeah, there's plenty of people that didn't get what they wanted out of life. But what's the point then? People should always be given the option to get out of life what they want. I can't see continuing on this path for however much longer until I die. I used to have instances years back where maybe once or so a month I'd just feel like garbage and depressed. Now a lot of times it can be multiple times a week. It's just become unbearable in a lot of ways anymore and I don't know what to do about it at this point.

There's just so many things going through my mind anymore and I feel like I can't do anything to fix it. I hold onto so much regret about my life as a whole, wishing I could have done more for my dog before he died, about work, about friends, about family. It's just like screaming into the void now, but it's even worse because I see people there and it's just falling on deaf ears. Kep does know about a lot of this, we've talked about a lot of this. Frankly, if I didn't have him, I would have killed myself a long while ago. Even then it still scares me for when we loose one of our dogs that we have now. I know that's a good many years off still, but it's still something that I worry about. Because it's going to break me even more.

I don't know. I just wanted to get this out here. I know I don't post a lot of journals anymore, I don't talk to people a lot anymore and it's really hard for me to post anything on here anymore. It all just feels pointless at this point.