I'm still just sitting here, not able to go to sleep tonight and I keep crying my eyes out. I haven't felt like this since my dog had died.

Later the other night after I posted that last journal, his sister had gotten back to me. The thing that I was most worried about was true. That Zertagh had ended his own life. I didn't want to ask anymore details than that. I knew it had to be hard for her to think back on it and tell me as much as she did. It's only been a little over two months for them, but it has to sill feel fresh either way. We really want to somehow be able to do something for him and his family, especially his dad. She had told me he was the one to find him.

She had also offered and sent me photos of the letter he left everyone. One specifically for his family and one to his local friend. And at the very bottom of it was a PS to let Kep and I know what happened. I don't blame no one for not reaching out to us and me having to do the digging to find out. This was hard enough on all of them without having to reach out to essentially complete strangers and let them know as well. Honestly, if I had found out in October I probably would have freaked out a lot more.

Either way, I still can't help but blame myself. I know I shouldn't, I know others will tell me that I shouldn't, but I can't help it either way. Because I know how things suck. I know how it is to feel like crap over so many things. That this all seemed so sudden that I should have somehow been able to help. I should have been able to stop it somehow. I should have seen something, but I didn't. This shouldn't have happened, but it did. I know it's one of those things that I've seen and talked about with others before. That it someone wants to do it, they'll just do it and not ask for help or reach out. He's just gone now.

I've had several people tell me that if I ever did that they'd yell at me or hit me or something along those lines. I wouldn't do that with him. I couldn't tell him things will be better, that things will be alright. But I could tell him I'm sorry. That I wish I could have done more. How much he meant to me. That he wasn't just someone that we'd get together with and play games together. That he was a friend and that's not something I say to very many people. I just wish I could have done something to change the outcome. But I couldn't, I didn't. And I'm just sorry that you're not around anymore.