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the toughest days of my life
8 months ago
ever since I posted the last journal, things have taken a nosedive for me.
I may have seemingly stabilized work and some other life matters, but my mental health had been pushed to the brink, where no other methods that previously worked for me -- would work now.
I have been flip-flopping between wanting back into that group, or just wanting to wipe the slate clean and just walk away and never look back.
my biggest issue is that I'm so co-dependent, as well as being so reliant on others' opinion of me, and I tie my self-worth to that.
and it has been nothing but poison to my well-being. It has gotten to a point that seeing their names on social media brings such discomfort and pain...
As of today, I have cut contact with 90% of the people involved with that group.
and I've taken steps to look into seeking therapy in my city.
Though as you may know, Vietnamese culture still heavily stigmatize seeking mental help as a negative thing. That you're weak, helpless, unworthy.
Now, regardless of how you may feel about it, that has been deeply-ingrained into me, someone growing up in that culture -- as such, it as been so difficult, so unimaginably painful, to even broach the topic.
though I did manage to talk about the whole thing with my mom, who now understands and sympathizes with my plight. Whereas previously she would judge me for paying too much attention or caring too much about these mere "online relationships".
It has been so difficult for me. I have come to neglect my body, everything just felt numb. And meaningless.
I have extreme trouble focusing on work, or even feel motivated enough to do work.
It's also gotten to a point where I just feel shame. A lot of shame, that I am unable to deal with my own issues, that I am unable to conform to what people in society deems normalcy.
That everyone in the old group and still have fun and live their lives and achieve happiness, despite the lies and facade they keep up amongst each other.
I am deeply shameful of myself, and thus, feeling defective that I cannot do the same as they all do. That I am so inept and ineffective at navigating through life the same way they manage to.
I suppose that is where I feel extremely antisocial, even the thought of reaching out to others for help gives me such discomfort.
Though thankfully, my mom agreed to help me out, and called the mental health institute (suggested to me by a different friend), and they wanted me to come by for an evaluation this Sunday.
So there's where I'm at right now.
It has been so difficult, and I genuinely don't understand how or why I'm still existing right now. When I've had dark thoughts about myself for a while now.
I may have seemingly stabilized work and some other life matters, but my mental health had been pushed to the brink, where no other methods that previously worked for me -- would work now.
I have been flip-flopping between wanting back into that group, or just wanting to wipe the slate clean and just walk away and never look back.
my biggest issue is that I'm so co-dependent, as well as being so reliant on others' opinion of me, and I tie my self-worth to that.
and it has been nothing but poison to my well-being. It has gotten to a point that seeing their names on social media brings such discomfort and pain...
As of today, I have cut contact with 90% of the people involved with that group.
and I've taken steps to look into seeking therapy in my city.
Though as you may know, Vietnamese culture still heavily stigmatize seeking mental help as a negative thing. That you're weak, helpless, unworthy.
Now, regardless of how you may feel about it, that has been deeply-ingrained into me, someone growing up in that culture -- as such, it as been so difficult, so unimaginably painful, to even broach the topic.
though I did manage to talk about the whole thing with my mom, who now understands and sympathizes with my plight. Whereas previously she would judge me for paying too much attention or caring too much about these mere "online relationships".
It has been so difficult for me. I have come to neglect my body, everything just felt numb. And meaningless.
I have extreme trouble focusing on work, or even feel motivated enough to do work.
It's also gotten to a point where I just feel shame. A lot of shame, that I am unable to deal with my own issues, that I am unable to conform to what people in society deems normalcy.
That everyone in the old group and still have fun and live their lives and achieve happiness, despite the lies and facade they keep up amongst each other.
I am deeply shameful of myself, and thus, feeling defective that I cannot do the same as they all do. That I am so inept and ineffective at navigating through life the same way they manage to.
I suppose that is where I feel extremely antisocial, even the thought of reaching out to others for help gives me such discomfort.
Though thankfully, my mom agreed to help me out, and called the mental health institute (suggested to me by a different friend), and they wanted me to come by for an evaluation this Sunday.
So there's where I'm at right now.
It has been so difficult, and I genuinely don't understand how or why I'm still existing right now. When I've had dark thoughts about myself for a while now.
You must find the virtue of patience to endure long enough to establish the foundations of how you will protect yourself in a world that sees you as defective and wrong. It is what I had to do, and what allowed me to endure long enough to find help and hope. You are of course not imagining the discrimination, and it is excellent news that your mother is supporting you during this time and helping you reach out to find spaces that will help you address your mental health concerns.
You should be aware that if you are having dark thoughts and "i want to end it all" type of thoughts for prolonged period, it is urgent to make inventory of the things that make you happy. The small things that stimulate all 5 of your senses individually, such as a favored cologne/perfume, show you like, food type, animal, physically write everything you can think of.....and this is a list to help you remind why you exist still. But making the list is not enough, you must also seek these things out, and notice the things that you may have been trained to see as "background". I compiled this list myself, analyzed it, and tried to be patient with myself as I sought out these small joys. Over time, the pursuit of these small joys led me to situations that brought larger joys. While I was still depressed, the will to live and endure was able to be cultivated and burned on. I even got married to someone who knows my struggles and has experienced them as well.
At the end of the day, this comment is long but since this is such a scary time in your life you deserve to have a response that I hope is genuine. There is hope, and it can feel scary to know that things can get so bad that you have to make hope yourself, and create it from scratch. Push past that fear. Bravery is facing a danger with no fear. Courage is facing a danger *with* fear, and pushing forward regardless of it and striving for victory. Often this small difference in english is overlooked. However, for situations like this, it is not allowed. It's okay to feel scared and helpless while having the courage to move through it and take a peaceful journey to recovery. It will be difficult and you may feel like giving up here and there. But from my perspective, the day I was finally able to grasp at that metaphorical rope I wove together myself, I felt relief without even being out of my pit. There will be sensations of relief for each inch you ascend, even if you slip down a whole foot before you get your grip back. Eventually you will grab the ledge and leave yourself out of the pit. That relief you feel as you reflect on the accomplishment of your journey coupled with rest, water, and food....it will feel nice. I wish you luck on feeling nice, and eliminating excess suffering, is all I can say for now. Peace upon you and your mother during this time. 💐💐💐
It has genuinely helped so much, even though I still wake up with a sense of dread, and a pit in my stomach.
And sitting through the quiet hours of the night with just me and my thoughts, I am still drowned in that nightmare of what others might be thinking of me. As there are still people from that group who I haven't cut off completely yet, typically the ones that remained neutral, or at the very least, somewhat amicable towards me.
With that said... I have not given up yet, despite how difficult everything is. I still do not know how I will continue to navigate through everything, but maybe I will figure out a way somehow.
I still have the mental health evaluation test to take the next afternoon, so there's that.
I went to the evaluation. Though the results won't be sent out in several more days, and I also won't get my first proper therapy session until after Lunar New Year (which lengthens the wait time to more than 10 days)
It kinda sucks, but I'm still here, so that means something, I suppose