They are indeed tough. Painful and revealing, or just painful and changing, since people can change with the seasons in response to storms. Anyway, Just thinking again. Idk if I've always been this person, or just broken/beaten down to the point I've changed into this person and don't wanna go back cause the turtle shell is safer than a repeat, but, Is what it is ig, idk. Shit happens. It's scary in any kind of relationship(friendships are also relationships) to have another person look up to and count on you, lean on you. Some aren't up for that pressure, or want it with another at a different point in time. I've fallen under that too when questioned about feelings. I don't want to be depended on and to take care of anyone anymore, to be a beacon held to a standard that isnt comfortable. I'm there when shit hits the fan but that's different imo. That's a treat, wanna be a treat, instead of oxygen.

I think I'm the ladder and just beaten down to this. I was fine being a pillar to lean on and a necessary needed part of folks life/lives not long ago, brought smiles to my face and purpose to my experiences and wisdom, felt good. Boywife type things too. Now that just is a straight up no thanks. I'll listen if ppl come to me, but if they need or lean on me for anything more than that, I shut down. And if I notice I'm Starting to lean, I run away and stop myself from feeling, until I'm upright on my own again so I don't depend on anyone either and the standard/expectation is the same mutually.