Yeah that's what it is I suppose, for lack of a better word. Kind of ironic, or "funny" I guess... the more I try to be useful and helpful, the more trashy, useless, and in the way I feel... especially if or when I ask for anything at all back. No, that's not why I am helpful. I don't help or support just to get back, but, it is a hope that reciprocation would happen, when I need... but irl, it never really does. I'm treated like a bother for needing, for even asking, instead of being more "independent". If I was any more independent I'd be a hermit in the middle of nowhere doing my own farming even, instead of going to the grocery, and stitch my own injuries instead of go to the drs for that.

Lovely state of affairs out there. Lovely folks out in the world. Irl, seems all too common, only growing in number. Still, I help anyway. Exploited for that kindness I suppose. Frankly the more I do, after all this on repeat, less I feel I deserve reciprocation. More evil I feel, for even hoping for it instead of being more independent