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a personal journal
7 months ago
so, i figured i would write something personal for a change. im just gonna write whatever comes to mind so it's not going to be very interesting or organized (or joyous) to read lol. Things have for a while now been pretty bleak and depressing, and im facing the possibility of me being clinically depressed, the reason i think that is because i've been taking note on how i view things, im not gonna write out all the details but basically i dont have a lot of optimism or hope for the future. obviously i dont claim to have any illness or anything since i havent gotten diagnosed by a doctor, but its been weighing on my mind a bit.
things seem pretty business oriented these days i think, rather than going online to talk to friends, i go online to either give some art update on patreon or answer peoples commission questions or some other business related matter, I mostly go into hiding until i have something to post. for the past 5 years i've thought that everything has been fine and none of this has been secretly making me emotionally starved, but it has. Doing art for a living is not something i'll ever take for granted, but i also cant deny that this empty feeling have been growing more and more in the past couple years. while ive been busy building an independent life for myself i've neglected my own social and emotional needs.
ive always prefered spending my time online since i was a kid since i got along better with people online as opposed to people irl, so its not something i could easily break away from overnight. but i honestly dont know if its worth it anymore. Something as simple as talking to people now is a privilege to me, it seems like everytime i wanna talk with someone they either have their own stuff to worry about and dont have time talking with me or arent interested or some other reason we can't really hang out, and i will fully admit its likely that im the problem, maybe im the weird awkward one, who knows. Either way this life im living where i do exactly the same thing every day, wake up, do art, chores, cook dinner, relax until bed, repeat every day, is not very fulfilling. I dont feel much different from a lifeless drone if im being honest. very rarely do i actually talk to people or do anything a normal human being is supposed to do.
the thing is, even if i did delete all my accounts right now and placed my bets elsewhere, i most likely would just end up in the same isolated possition ive always been in. i think the problems lie with me, but with no way to really fix it. trust me when i say ive tried reaching out to people a lot and it doesnt really go anywhere.
i think this whole thing looks a lot worse when you also factor in that 9/10 people you see online have relationships with someone lol. im the odd one out. ive always felt that i was different from everyone else, not in a le epic quirky way but in a challanging way, ive failed to connect and relate to people really, i think the fact that im writing this rn highlights that too. I think when people see me they think i have some secret grudge against them or im in a bad mood because im quiet, or maybe they just think poorly of me. I dont really care about being part of a group, in fact i dont really like it at all, it just seems like people are constnatly competeing with eachother of who gets to talk the most while people like me dont really get the chance to say much, and its especially shit now on discord where you dont even know half the people in the groups. If you prefer group settings thats completely fine btw, im just speaking from my own view and explaining why i personally dont like it. I prefer talking 1 on 1 and actually getting to know the person, but it doesnt seem to be a very popular choice anymore, which is another reason i see little point in trying to reach out to people because i know its most likely going to be a waste of time. I also think most people already have established relationships and friends, so they dont want to spend time and energy trying to make another one i suppose.
im not sure if i have a ton (or tonne? idk) more to say, its not a particularly happy journal, i guess it reflects my mental state lately. i just wanted to write down my thoughts, and also for once be my real self and write about something more emotional and vulnerable rather than art updates.
so uh yeah, have a nice evening
Commissions:
Surgelion 80% complete (on hold)
things seem pretty business oriented these days i think, rather than going online to talk to friends, i go online to either give some art update on patreon or answer peoples commission questions or some other business related matter, I mostly go into hiding until i have something to post. for the past 5 years i've thought that everything has been fine and none of this has been secretly making me emotionally starved, but it has. Doing art for a living is not something i'll ever take for granted, but i also cant deny that this empty feeling have been growing more and more in the past couple years. while ive been busy building an independent life for myself i've neglected my own social and emotional needs.
ive always prefered spending my time online since i was a kid since i got along better with people online as opposed to people irl, so its not something i could easily break away from overnight. but i honestly dont know if its worth it anymore. Something as simple as talking to people now is a privilege to me, it seems like everytime i wanna talk with someone they either have their own stuff to worry about and dont have time talking with me or arent interested or some other reason we can't really hang out, and i will fully admit its likely that im the problem, maybe im the weird awkward one, who knows. Either way this life im living where i do exactly the same thing every day, wake up, do art, chores, cook dinner, relax until bed, repeat every day, is not very fulfilling. I dont feel much different from a lifeless drone if im being honest. very rarely do i actually talk to people or do anything a normal human being is supposed to do.
the thing is, even if i did delete all my accounts right now and placed my bets elsewhere, i most likely would just end up in the same isolated possition ive always been in. i think the problems lie with me, but with no way to really fix it. trust me when i say ive tried reaching out to people a lot and it doesnt really go anywhere.
i think this whole thing looks a lot worse when you also factor in that 9/10 people you see online have relationships with someone lol. im the odd one out. ive always felt that i was different from everyone else, not in a le epic quirky way but in a challanging way, ive failed to connect and relate to people really, i think the fact that im writing this rn highlights that too. I think when people see me they think i have some secret grudge against them or im in a bad mood because im quiet, or maybe they just think poorly of me. I dont really care about being part of a group, in fact i dont really like it at all, it just seems like people are constnatly competeing with eachother of who gets to talk the most while people like me dont really get the chance to say much, and its especially shit now on discord where you dont even know half the people in the groups. If you prefer group settings thats completely fine btw, im just speaking from my own view and explaining why i personally dont like it. I prefer talking 1 on 1 and actually getting to know the person, but it doesnt seem to be a very popular choice anymore, which is another reason i see little point in trying to reach out to people because i know its most likely going to be a waste of time. I also think most people already have established relationships and friends, so they dont want to spend time and energy trying to make another one i suppose.
im not sure if i have a ton (or tonne? idk) more to say, its not a particularly happy journal, i guess it reflects my mental state lately. i just wanted to write down my thoughts, and also for once be my real self and write about something more emotional and vulnerable rather than art updates.
so uh yeah, have a nice evening
Commissions:
Surgelion 80% complete (on hold)
And as for social aspect... I should speak more about kinks I love with other people who love it.
And break that wall that keeps us separate. Be it varying timezones, or busy time.
The question of interests is certainly a struggle, can attest to that. Well, that is when your interests are niche and hard to find anyone sharing them. Not talking about the kinky stuff of course, even if that bit is niche there's so many of those even there. But for things outside of the things this fandom is often built on it's difficult to find anyone. Don't have recommendations as to what to do in this situation because I myself don't know where my social interactions would be if not on my own server for the most part, and in DMs with people I met through there, and I'm not even originally responsible for most of the people showing up there, when it was a joint venture with someone else. Would say you are always welcome to join that little cozy place, but you made it pretty clear that that kind of approach is not to your liking.
Hope and long term goals are hard to come by these days, but that's really what one has to go on. Having something you want to achieve or maintain, and the hopes that you can do that. One makes their own purpose, and I hope you find yours beyond what you explain feels little more than being a robot.
If nothing else, a diagnosis helps you understand what's going on, instead of things being eh without any proper reason!
and i appreciate you reaching out to share your side
Even if you just wanted to see about connecting with someone online or in person, you could check game store websites and see if there is anything you are interested in that others also are.
I saw a quote once that I enjoyed, “It’s hard to get out and find the person that likes what I like because they are also at home chilling on a Friday night” and well… that’s true. Feel free to reach out and see what you may find, whether it be just more friends or a partner
and yeah it would be good to reach out, in any direction where you may have interest and may find likeminded people. for me im just intimidated by it and i find it difficult to take those first few steps i guess
I apologize if this isnt helpful. I've just had some similar thoughts in the past and the isolation situation sounds startlingly familiar. They started getting better when I started sticking my neck out to do stuff IRL, hear other human voices, speak and be spoken to, etc.
Don't dismiss this as a "go outside lol" post, a lot of your mindset right now reminds me of how I was even as little as a year ago and I want you to do well and break out of it.
i appreciate you sharing this
I will say that there's a high chance other's views of you aren't negative and that that's most likely the pessimism affecting your perspective. And, having been in a similar state, I'd say it's relatively easier to just chill with others, you'll naturally develop some familiarity and, depending on how well you vibe with them, a meaningful connection can be established. At least that's what worked for me. It might have taken a lot of time, but I did end up with some pretty good friends in the end. Combine that knowledge with the standard "spend time with people who have similar interests" and whatnot and it'll probably expedite the process to an extent.
Either way, hope things get better for you.
youre probably right that my negative self-perception makes it difficult not to think people think poorly of me, i think being in a bad mood like i was when writing this makes me especially think that. i think its important to not give into those emotions and focus on something enjoyable, even if it is easier said than done.
I can relate to a lot of these feelings and would like to talk to you about them in more detail over dms if you want, but no pressure.
Thank you for opening up and laying stuff out. Its not an easy thing to do for some people. I know I struggle with it myself.