FA+
Shop
the path forward (warning: sad)
3 days ago
hey again. i was hoping my last journal would sorta be the default state of my being, but life isnt always so nice. ive been away from most of the internet for close to 4 months now or something? ive been busy trying to finish animated YCHs, and nothing but animated YCHs, not even my own art. ive taken on 80 of them. i did it because i was about to go bankrupt form not being able to afford taxes, which started happening last year. so, because im not an expert accountant, so fuck me forever i guess. and while im in the middle of grinding these and trying my hardest not to jump out the window due to being completely destroyed by the workload, the news comes out that payment companies just woke up one morning and decided to wipe a bunch of 18+ creators. so far im still here, but who's to say i will be tomorrow, or next week, or next month? I've seen other 18+ artists get wiped from Paypal a few times now.
on top of that my student debt is catching up to me and demanding i pay more money than i have.
im exhausted, and im tired of all of this. theres only so much i can take. the other day i didnt even wanna be around anymore, at all, and still i dont. theres no way to win any of this, its impossible, all im doing is making my way through a pointless bunch of tasks and challanges that i cant even win, all while the looming threat of "will i lose my livelyhood tomorrow?" hangs over my head constantly. so, as i understand it, im losing no matter how hard i try right now.
all of this while im alone, always alone, trying to talk myself out of spiraling, trying to pick myself up when i break, trying to distract myself from hurting myself, every time, especially these days. theres no irl friends, or roommates or family or support system, nothing. I grew up being alone my entire life honestly, i never knew how to act normal around people, whether it was me being fucking weird and stupid from an unstable upbringing, or me putting on a performance all the time in fear of being judged, or hating feeling vulnerable, who's to say. i always wanted someone who just.. sees me, sees my flaws and stupid quirks, and still stays with me, thats all i ever wanted.
i always wanted to do something in my life that would bring me joy, something creative, like art, music, youtube, game design, whatever, i always wanted to, and despite people always pointing out that its impossible and im living in a fantasy, i did it anyway. ive been doing art full time for a living for the past 5 years now, and even though its not always sunshine and rainbows, there were times i didnt wanna get out of bed because things were so challanging at times, it was still something i created myself. it was me proving that i COULD do something that brought me joy for a living. but now im wondering if i was just delusional this whole time. maybe i WAS just living in a fantasy this entire time, maybe these 5 years was just something for me to exist in until i had to fall back down to earth and find a job that i dread going to every single day like i used to.
ive tried to think of things i can do, like switch to SFW art or apply for a financial support system or something like that, but even in the best case scenario, its all just a dead end.
for the past 4 months its just felt as if this is the end, and if im honest, i dont know what to do from here, im struggling to even... be here anymore. i just want to disappear. truthfully i dont even know why im even writing this, i know this may not be the space for it. maybe i just want to be seen by literally any person rn.
on top of that my student debt is catching up to me and demanding i pay more money than i have.
im exhausted, and im tired of all of this. theres only so much i can take. the other day i didnt even wanna be around anymore, at all, and still i dont. theres no way to win any of this, its impossible, all im doing is making my way through a pointless bunch of tasks and challanges that i cant even win, all while the looming threat of "will i lose my livelyhood tomorrow?" hangs over my head constantly. so, as i understand it, im losing no matter how hard i try right now.
all of this while im alone, always alone, trying to talk myself out of spiraling, trying to pick myself up when i break, trying to distract myself from hurting myself, every time, especially these days. theres no irl friends, or roommates or family or support system, nothing. I grew up being alone my entire life honestly, i never knew how to act normal around people, whether it was me being fucking weird and stupid from an unstable upbringing, or me putting on a performance all the time in fear of being judged, or hating feeling vulnerable, who's to say. i always wanted someone who just.. sees me, sees my flaws and stupid quirks, and still stays with me, thats all i ever wanted.
i always wanted to do something in my life that would bring me joy, something creative, like art, music, youtube, game design, whatever, i always wanted to, and despite people always pointing out that its impossible and im living in a fantasy, i did it anyway. ive been doing art full time for a living for the past 5 years now, and even though its not always sunshine and rainbows, there were times i didnt wanna get out of bed because things were so challanging at times, it was still something i created myself. it was me proving that i COULD do something that brought me joy for a living. but now im wondering if i was just delusional this whole time. maybe i WAS just living in a fantasy this entire time, maybe these 5 years was just something for me to exist in until i had to fall back down to earth and find a job that i dread going to every single day like i used to.
ive tried to think of things i can do, like switch to SFW art or apply for a financial support system or something like that, but even in the best case scenario, its all just a dead end.
for the past 4 months its just felt as if this is the end, and if im honest, i dont know what to do from here, im struggling to even... be here anymore. i just want to disappear. truthfully i dont even know why im even writing this, i know this may not be the space for it. maybe i just want to be seen by literally any person rn.
If it helps my words feel more genuine, I have autism, have trauma with something that is a daily fixture in my life, and I’m struggling to find the time and energy to do much of anything I want to do with me. Therefore, I know how you feel.
You are doing nothing wrong. You are surrounded by stupid, delusional, stubborn, rude, miserable people who have worked for nothing and think they can only cater to themselves, but there are also kind, empathetic, bashful, and aspiring people. You are one of the latter, and one of the troubles is that you don’t always have the answer. You put time and effort into your decisions.
I love your art, and even though we’ve never met before, I want to be your friend. I‘ve lost two people to whom I looked up this year with autism, my father has died, and I’m at college burnt out and afraid to go back home because of damage that’s been done to me permanently, thanks to the people I’ve always tried to care about most. I don’t have a job at the moment, and I barely create art because I’m always so overwhelmed with existence. I know how much you suffer. Let’s become stronger.
I don’t mean to seem weird. You don’t have to be my friend. Maybe just give a reply and tell me more. You matter more than you’ll ever realize, and I won’t lose another fun goofball. Quirks interest me, because I’m just like you. Also, please don’t interpret this as me making this about myself. I’m trying to empathize with you. I want you to believe my words to you because I’ve experienced these pains too.
Don’t give up your passion. I know there are ignorant idiots inconveniencing you, and I don’t have all of the answers either, but I’ll ask other people in this community what they’re doing. Just don’t give up on me. Just let me know that you read me. If you want to talk more then, I’d be happy to do so with you.
Sincerely,
The Cheshire Cat's Master
I think the biggest issue is you did not charge enough for your work. I know pricing oneself is one of the hardest things ever for an artist to do, as we have low self-esteem or confidence. But you'd be surprised that you'dve had much more support than you'd expect and probably wouldnt have had to take on so many comms at once. Animation is HARD WORK and very time consuming and is something many people would love to have, especially YOUR work.
Once this queue is cleared and you're able to at least think about your next move, strongly consider a SUBSTANCIAL raise, no less than 50% price increase if not doubling it. If you manage to pull off 80 commissions that will PROVE without shadow of doubt your ethic and consistency. Thereby absolutely earning such a raise in my book.
I can understand feeling like an outsider sometimes because of your own weirdness, and that's fine. I personally look at it as something not living a boring life, and by now, I think you know, here in the furry fandom, you can come across and find people sharing a common weirdness and bond.
Online groups, servers, chats, and going to cons are the best at giving you the experience of handling more communication and bonding with others. I think creating such journals when you can is a great way to reach out to people who genuinely care for you !
I hope all goes well for you.
And yes... these student debts fucking suck